Tired of...well, everything really (too long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ugh, I feel so silly for wanting to post this, but I really need to vent and get some of this out in a non-judgmental setting. Sorry for the blogginess and the length.

I moved 2,500 miles from my home in NJ to Tucson, AZ about four months ago to be with someone I met online and talked to daily for about a year. I had ended a seven year long relationship (and an engagement) in May, and I was feeling happy and secure in starting a new life somewhere else. Needless to say, things haven’t worked out quite as well as I have hoped.

There are so many things wrong with where I am currently, and I feel stuck. My whole sense of self is different. Before, I was confident in myself both physically and personality-wise. I am an art person, and just graduated with my BA in studio art; I went to Michael’s today and nothing inspired me or made me want to create anything. One of my biggest pleasures previously was cooking and baking; now, I almost never feel like making dinner. I am sure this is partially related to my job, as I am working retail, (that bachelor’s degree is really helpful in finding a job, apparently) and the post-Christmas rush means I’m working top speed all day, every day. I’m also highly prone to seasonal depression, which I didn’t think would happen in the Arizona sun, but there you are.

My relationship is completely unlike what I imagined it to be. My boyfriend doesn’t work (he has a business of selling paintings, all 20 of which are currently sitting on our living room floor), and doesn’t talk to his family. He also has no friends. Because of this, I am the recipient of all his emotional ups and downs. I feel sick of dealing with another person’s myriad issues and insecurities. I walk on eggshells, paranoid that one thing I say may be taken wrong and then that one thing I said thoughtlessly will come up three days later in a fight he picks with me. By that point, I will have forgotten what I have said, and have no ready explanation for my seemingly offensive comment. I’m also constantly accused of looking at other men in public, even ogling them, when I have no recollection of ever doing so. It sucks a lot to have put so much of myself into this and end up treated less than what I feel I deserve.

I miss so much about where I came from. I miss my family more than I ever thought I could, and I miss the East Coast culture. I’ve lost about ten pounds with no effort whatsoever, and they aren’t really pounds I can afford to lose. I look at this beautiful landscape I live in, and I have no joy in it. I’m trying so hard all the time, and I feel like I am getting nowhere with any of it.

I really don’t want to tap out and move home, and I also don’t want to abandon work when they really do need me there. I don’t know what I can do right now, as I can’t afford to move out, and really don’t want to. Things aren’t THAT bad that I feel like I need to be out of this house. When things are good, they’re really good, but when they aren’t it feels awful.

This has gone on too long, and I’m sorry, SDMB readers. I just feel like I have nowhere else to turn. If I had a blog I could call out to, I would, but even if I made one I wouldn’t have any readers anyway (much like my sad little Twitter), so I guess you guys are stuck with me (ha ha, sucks to be you guys).

2

Between this post and the thread you started about your lousy birthday, IMHO, you need to start socking away money in an account that he doesn’t know about so you have options. Don’t let yourself be stuck in a downward spiral. It sounds like you were, and could be again, better off on your own. Good luck.

3

Go home. It seems like a very bad move for you, honestly.

4

Going home isn’t “giving up,” staying in the environment that you hate is “giving up.”
Dump the insecure loser, pack your bags, and move on with your life.

5

He doesn’t have any access to any of my money. I am at least making that kind of move for myself. It just doesn’t feel good to have tried so hard at something and to have failed.

…God, that sounds emo.

6

These two parts both sound like the start of a cycle of abuse. I was one of the people who thought your bf sounded like a lunatic in the birthday thread and I am only more convinced now that this relationship isn’t healthy. You should be planning out an escape route.
Don’t worry about “abandoning” work. I promise you that there is another person in AZ who would happily take over the job.

7

That sucks. I’m sorry.

You need to get out of this situation and away from this guy. I don’t like anything you’ve ever said about him, no sirree, red flags everywhere, and I have had a bad bad feeling since your other thread that he’s going to get much worse. I didn’t know you’d only been together 4 months - that makes it even more worrying that he’s like this already (usually you have a bit of a honeymoon period, say 6 months to a year, before the controlling crazy comes out). Of course you do not deserve to be treated like this, no one does. What you deserve is a rewarding relationship with a stable man who does not imagine things to scream at you about - and you can have it. But not with this guy. You’re wasting precious time, emotion, and mental resources trying to work around his irrationalities and abusive tendencies.

It may take a little while for you to save up, move out, and cut ties, but do so ASAP please. There are alternative options to saving up a down payment for your own apartment - moving into a shared living arrangement where no one picks fights and tries to control what/who you might rest your eyes on momentarily, for instance.

The job situation is difficult, but if you miss your family, friends, your home, have no joy in this new state and no new friends - I think you should quit and go back to the East Coast. Better things await you.

8

Thank you everyone. Replies mean so much to me, more than I thought they would.

I’m a stubborn person, and I try to stick things out as much as I can. I am always determined to make things work, no matter the situation. When I moved out here, I really thought this would be different from what they turned out to be. However, I know in my heart I shouldn’t have to spend nights on the couch, and I shouldn’t have to be the only one working, and I shouldn’t have to look at the ground any time a male walks by.

I’m saving money and working on things. I just feel like I shouldn’t be working this hard, both literally and emotionally.

9

Staying somewhere too long and getting beaten up emotionally for no good reason is the real failure.

Save as much money as you can until you have a little cushion, and meanwhile quietly start looking for a job back home and making plans to move. If it gets really ugly, move without the cushion.

My sister ended up engaged to a guy who started out as a sweet artist/architectural restorationist (would clean and restore art in historic buildings), and who ended up a complete pothead who would regularly lose jobs, fail pee tests for union jobs, and would occasionally get jobs painting walls at big box stores and the like. He just wanted to smoke pot and work as little as possible, and turned into a real jerk to her. He went away on vacation with his brother, to Mexico, while he was unemployed - we half suspect he was there in search of a big pot score or something - and she called our mom crying, saying she needed to move out, and basically apologizing for “failing” in the relationship. :frowning:

Don’t ever apologize or think you’ve failed when a relationship crashes and burns. What you have to do is realize that it’s crashed and pull yourself out of the wreckage before you get hurt even worse.

Oh, and my sister? She ended up falling in love with and marrying the “rebound guy” after her previous engagement, and they’ve been married for several years now. He’s an awesome guy, and they’re great together.

10

Go home, girl, as quick as you can. Be kind to yourself!

If you need a (free) place to stay on the drive home, I’ve got a comfy couch for you! (I’m in Tulsa, OK, which would be on the way, right?) I’ll even make you pancakes in the morning! :slight_smile:

Could you stay with family or friends in NJ until you save enough for a place of your own? I’m just afraid if you stay where you are for too long, you’ll get caught in that horrible cycle of abuse, and never be able to get out. You should go ASAP, while you’ve still got the motivation and desire.

11

I could go home as soon as I wanted. It’s just like I said, I feel like work needs me and I’m stubborn. I really wanted this to work, and I still do. I have to work on resisting my urge to fight for what I want, and instead fight for what I know I need.

It certainly doesn’t help that I feel like I drink all the time now. Ugh. I’m being a stupid Meg!

12

You’re like the frog who sits in the pot while the water heats up to boiling.

It’s not going to work. You hooked up with a douchebag. Pack your bags and go. Stop hoping and dreaming and get the hell out of there before it goes too far.

13

I dunno, I think if I were stuck 2000 miles away from everyone and everything that I know and care about (and who cares about me) I would be having a few drinks on occasion as well.

You don’t sound like you are in a good space, but I wish you the very best, and hope that things look brighter soon!!!

PS—I should add that in order for things to get better for you, you might need to take some decisive action before too long; I am sure you know that a situation like this will not get better on it’s own…

14

I totally understand where you are, I’ve been there myself (relationship-wise, but not cross country). I know it would be a kick to your pride, but going home is probably the best route to go for now. You have family and friends there who will support you so you can get back to the person you are.

If you decide to stay, I’d try to make friends with co-workers or others around just so you know some more people out there. If possible, start looking for somewhere else to live.

I see a lot of my boyfriend in yours and I have felt the same things you are feeling. I stayed even when I felt stuck, because the good days were great and I kept thinking things would get better. And eventually they have…but it’s been a long 2 1/2 years. I think if someone were there to push me to get out in the beginning it may have saved a lot of pain. But who knows? No one. I hope it works out for you and I’m giving you a cross-country hug! {{{{Meg}}}}

15

Another vote for leave. I read the birthday thread too and thought the whole situation sounded terrible. Especially the part about his thinking you are looking at other guys. That is a definite red flag. And do you support him financially, or how does he get by without a job? Your drinking is also a red flag. Please leave. You can always patch things up later, but you can never get back the time you waste in a dead-end relationship. Take it from someone who wasted 9 years in a bad relationship with a cheater. It will not improve. Please leave and make a future for yourself. And your loyalty to your retail job, why? Do you think they would have any loyalty to you if things went south for them? Of course not.

16

Well said!

17

Meggroll, you wrote:

Now you understand why many people stick around in abusive relationships: the good feels so good in contrast to the bad so that people keep hoping that things will revert to being good all the time-- provided, of course, that they figure out what they’re doing wrong that makes things turn bad.

I had started to write “women” instead of people, but over the course of my life I’ve known a few men in this type of relationship too, and the thinking is the same.

Get out of that relationship, it’s abusive. Things will never get better, they will only get worse. It’s not your fault, the flaw is in him.

I wouldn’t even tell him I’m going, I’d just leave and head back home. If you feel bad about that, send him an email saying that things weren’t working out for you. If you tell him in person, either he’ll turn on the charm to try and keep you, or he’ll turn extra nasty.

You say you have some money, so I assume that you can make it back east. So just leave.

18

I understand stubborn, but don’t let stubborn become blind and foolish. It can be a good trait or a miserable one and I’m afraid it’s being more of the latter than the former for you right now.

Git while the gittin’s good.

19

I also say get out of there pronto. Prince Charming is not going to be supportive and understanding of your decision so I suggest disappearing without warning and leaving a goodbye note.

20

You didn’t fail. You did your best, and others - namely your boyfriend - failed you. He did not do his share, and so it’s time to move on.

You succeeded at your job; you’re probably right, they need you and will struggle without you. But you don’t owe them anything, and success in this job will translate to another successful job somewhere else.

You have not failed, so there’s nothing to be stubborn about. Now move on to a better situation - be stubborn about living the best life you can have, and where you are now, with this boyfriend, isn’t it. He is a failure, not you.

Get it?