About 8 years ago my husband and I “adopted” a dysfunctional 17 year old. Mike was a good kid – he just had the misfortune of having a couple of self-absorbed narcissistic parents who failed parenting 101. When we met Mike, he had been living on his own for several years while attending high school and working odd jobs. His girlfriend had just left for Europe after trashing his heart and his interaction with his father was strained Needless to say, Mike was one pissed off kid. He embraced the Goth lifestyle fervently, spent most of his days in a dank hole of an apartment smoking pot and lavished his considerable artistic talent on drawing people retching and/or with sharp objects protruding from their bodies.
Flash forward to 2000. Mike is now making decent money at a job he likes. He’s living with woman and has established a working relationship with both parents. Life is O.K. Maybe not consistently spectacular but O.K. Then SHE reappears- the EX girlfriend. All of a sudden-they’re back together and he’s moving out of state with her. Fine and dandy.
Except that there are a few issues with MS EX that he neglected to mention before they left. 1) She’s a bulimic 2) she has a history of suicide attempts and 3) she has been earning her living in London as a dominatrix. Yep that’s right folks, despite a university degree, that was her employment method of choice. And she’s now decided that earning a living as a graphics designer is too passé-she’s opening up a dungeon here and returning to her prior career.
Mike- wake up and stop acting like a complete FUCKING idiot. This is hardly the basis for a healthy relationship. This woman is on highly destructive path and she’s sweeping you along with her. You can choose to ignore the fact that she’s already staged one suicide attempt since you’ve been back together. You can pretend that she doesn’t blatantly try to control your every move. But come on- how can you a possibly accept that she’s going to be earning a living by having sex with other men? And do not give me that shit about how she doesn’t actually “do it” with them! I can just imagine the scene when she gets home from work-
“Hi honey, how was your day?”
“Oh just fine sweetie-whacked a couple of willies, dropped hot wax on a nipple or too, and had my toes licked for fun and profit. What’s for dinner?”
Yes, with bulemia and a history of suicide attempts, it’s clear she has some issues. But operating a dungeon does not in itself automatically make one evil, bad, self-destructive, or insane.
I think I’d be quite a lot more concerned about her bulimia and suicidal tendencies than her supposed employment in London – even if the latter were true (and not some kind of ‘look at me, aren’t I interesting’ thing), she seems to have a number of serious issues.
One imagines she is crying out for attention – or to be the centre of attention – at the very least. The dominatrix thing is just the tabloid headline, IMHO.
concerns.However, I have viewed her web page and yes indeedy, this was and is soon to be again, her method of support. I wish that it was just as ploy but it’s not.
I,too, see this as a desperate cry for attention and I would be inclined to be more compassionate were she not involved with someone that I love. That brings out my rip her throat apart she-wolf persona. Don’t fuck with the people I care about. Period.
I just can’t see anything positive rising from their current situation.
I would say that her career (which, like others have said, does not necessarily include sex with clients) is less of a problem than the eating disorders, suicide attempts, and controlling behavior.
Being a dominatrix in itself doesn’t make a person evil, mean, or even undateable.
Some people are just poison, sounds like your young friend/son has found one of those people, and unfortunately he won’t learn until it runs its course.
Unfortunately, some people also mistake being controlled for being loved. Maybe your Mike is one of those people. He likes the attention, he likes to be needed, he gets off on the treatment, whatever.
Hope the course isn’t too devastating for him financially or emotionally.
I don’t know you, or know if you want advice, but you can probably engage him better if you:
a) Stop denigrating her profession. Think what you like about it, but if you start in with that he’ll tune everything else out in his need to defend her.
b) Explain that you want him to be happy, you love him, and you are always there for him - no “I told you sos” if things don’t work out.
c) Again, leaving judgemental comments about the profession out of it, explain to him clearly that eating disorders and suicidal behavior is not normal. Tell him you recognize his kindness and compassion in wanting to help this woman and give her every chance, but come armed with eating disorder and depression counseling resources.
d) Consider telling him “I’ll shut up about her behavior the second she gets herself into counseling.” Explain that as kind and loving as he is, he is unequipped to give her the help she needs and that without counseling he is just enabling her self-destructive behavior.
Good luck - you must feel awful watching him repeat painful mistakes.
Gotta go with jlzania on this one. Intercourse is not the defining aspect of the client::whore relationship. Material reward == sexual gratification defines the transaction.
The crack addict offering $20 blowjobs is a whore.
The exotic dancer giving handjobs in the dark corner is a whore.
The dominatrix taking cash to step on someone’s scrotum with 6-inch spiked boots is a whore.
to alienate in my very first rant (I’ll be tactful and wait until my 3rd or 4th for that) but I cannot accept that the exchange of money for sex is a healthy or good thing.
Some things in life eat your soul.
This, I believe, is one of them.
Now as to my attitude,magdalene, your advice is wise-however, I don’t denigrate her profession or bad mouth her in general. I very much want to keep the lines of communication open and leave him an escape route should he need it.
As long as we’re all clear you’re speaking from your own opinion and not making some kind of sweeping generalization, then I’d say we’re ok. What might not work for you might work for someone else - ya never know…
Umm, jlzania, I understand that you’re pretty upset about all this, but it hasn’t actually been established yet that she’s going to be exchanging intercourse for money, right? Several people have responded to your post to point out that there isn’t necessarily a connection between being a dominatrix and being a prostitute.
If you have more info that you haven’t mentioned, bring it up; we’re not shy here, and chances are more people will agree with you if that’s the case. However, I don’t really see a connection between
Esprix-this is indeed my belief system or opinion if you prefer. There are certain moral actions that I believe have a very negative impact on a person’s being. I am fumbling clumsily for an example. Consistent dishonesty-either with oneself or with others comes to mind. Lie often enough and you won’t recognize the truth when it slaps you in the face. I cannot compartmentalize sex.
And Ethilrist,I agree with Spiritus Mundi that “Intercourse is not the defining aspect of the client::whore relationship. Material reward == sexual gratification defines the transaction.” To me-the point is not necessarily insertion.
jlzania-
I don’t know how long you have been lurking around, but as
a fellow newbie, I have found that the posters here tend to be extremely liberal and, to me, somewhat approving of, the type of lifestyle to which you’re referring.
I agree with you. I think that these days, people tend to
relish in being so PC that they refuse to examine the possibility that exotic dancing, prostitution, sex-related
careers may not be the healthiest paths in life (generalization of course.) I think that most psychologists;
learned observers of human behavior might agree that there
are more private, personal, healthy outlets of sexuality.
But thats just my opinion.
I got flamed a couple months ago for making a similar statement (a guy was complaining about a stripper being out of his league, I found that statement ironic, and was taken to task for being judgemental.)
I tend to believe that more often than not, if it walks like
a duck…
Anyway, sorry for rambling. My reason for posting was just to make sure you know that this is a group that will definitely will respect your right to your beliefs, but will challenge your notions in a heartbeat.
(Which-hey-is never a bad thing! to each his own…)
Good luck with Mike. Sounds like she’s got some serious issues in her personal life. I hope he can get past this
thing and get back on track with someone more suited to him.
jlzania, I’m going to join magdalene in urging you to get past the domme bit (I think this whole thread should get past it too), and talk to Mike about the bulimia, the suicide attempts, and the depression and screwed-upness that surely underlies them. As she said:
scredle-thanks for voicing support. I appreciate it as we are obviously on the same page-at least regarding this issue.
I having been lurking for aproximately 2 months and am aware of the generally liberal views espoused and while I may not agree with all of them-hey that’s what makes this board so interesting, right?
And as a sidebar-I have just no interest in being PC-jsut too damn old and too damn mean.
Jlzania, what can make being a dominatrix different from being a prostitute is that a dominatrix can limit her act to a performance. A performance that imparts physical pain on the payor, certainly, but that’s very different from having to open your own body to false intimacy. Consequently, I suspect more dominatrices than prostitutes are able to keep their psyches relatively intact.
In this case, though, it’s a distinction without a difference. This young woman has a profound, unhealthy need to be the center of attention, and her profession just exacerbates it. Toxic, indeed.
