Tldr you are warned
The person i refer to in the following can and never will know what i am about to say. Think of this as my way of putting it out into the universe good or bad i need it out of me and i need to tell someone. I think it will feel more real if other human know about it and it is not just some more crap in my head that will end up as a jumbled mess. Ok back on track.
Hating you is making me sick. It is eroding into my life and is having a significant impact on what quite frankly is and was a pretty fucked up life anyway (dont like swearing i am sorry but it is the best avaiable descriptin).
So I have decided to try to stop hating you. This is not forgiveness - i am not ready to do that. I will not stop hating what you did. No unselfish reasons either - how can i preach love when i want you to die, how can i be angry at christians that judge when i have signed your death sentence in my heart? I dont want to be that sort of hypcrite there are too many in this world as it is.
I dont know how to forgive you. Saying i did would just be lying words. I dont know how to forgive myself. But maybe just maybe if try to stop hating you i may be able to stop hating myself. Maybe not. I can try at least.
Sorry for typos it is late and im having a hard time focusing. Gonna take my meds and try to sleep.
Feel free to ignore i think i am just talking to myself anyway.
Tldr you are warned
Sometimes “forgiveness” isn’t saying that what a person did was OK. Sometimes it’s just deciding that you’re not going to let it affect you anymore.
Clinging to anger is a way for your brain to try to protect you from getting hurt again, but it’s bad for your mental health. If I knew how to exorcise that demon completely I’d let you know, but it still rears up in my brain now and again.
I’d actually not even call “saying that what a person did was OK” forgiveness. That’s being mistaken. Forgiveness requires you to accept that what the other person did was wrong. It only becomes “OK” in the sense that it stops affecting you.
I’d also say that letting go of the hatred for the person is a good first step from being able to stop letting something affect you. It’s not like you ever have to like or trust the person again. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness does not mean that you must act like it never happened.
Letting go of hate is always a good idea. Good luck to you.