A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
What did the cow say to the masked robber?
Moo.
What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins?
Fred.
What’s black, highly dangerous, and lives in a tree?
A crow with a machine gun.
What did the tie say to the neck?
I think I’ll just hang around.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
Did you hear about the fly who flew through a screen door at full speed?
Strained himself. It was another fine mesh he got himself into.
Q: Why was George Washington buried on the side of a hill?
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A: Because he was dead.
Hahahahahahahahahhahahaahahackhackcoughhackhackarrrgh!
(Maniacal laughter dissolving into maniacal coughing).
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene.
Make sure you stop by the gift shop in the lobby on your way out, you’ve been a great audience.
A man walks into the bar with a duck on his head.
The bartender says, " What’ll it be?"
The duck says, " Get this guy off my ass."
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo”
she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You are on the other side.”
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
What is a dentists favorite instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.
Q: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
A: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette.
With a very pissed-off look the egg said, “Well… I guess that answers THAT long asked question!”
A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman “have you seen my brother?”. The barman asks “what does he look like?”.
Did you know that Baseball is mentioned in the Bible?
Genesis 1:1
“In the Big Inning…”
Q: What do you call the drivers in an Egyptian traffic jam?
A: Tootin-car-men.
A chicken in the hen-house decided to lay an orange instead of an egg. One of her chicks came in and saw it, and said “Look what marmalade!”
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
A guy accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose and discovered that he had no ill effects. Apparently he was ambidextrose.
Q. What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous Wreck!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to keep it down. “But why?”, they asked. “Because,” he said, "some of the guests are irritated by chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Ya got any grapes?”
The bartender looks roughly at the duck and replies, “No, we don’t have any grapes. This is a bar, and we don’t serve ducks anyway. Now get out of here!”
The duck walks away but returns to the same bar the next day and says, “Ya got any grapes?”
To this the bartender looks very roughly at the duck and replies, “No, we don’t have any grapes. I told you yesterday that we didn’t have grapes and that we didn’t serve ducks. Now get out of here. If you come in here again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!”
The duck walks away unfazed and again returns to the same bar on the next day. He walks up to the bartender and says, “Ya got any nails?”
The bartender replies, “No, we don’t have any nails! This is a bar!”
So the duck says, “Ya got any grapes?”
Q: Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
A: So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherrys?
Q: How do you know if your wife had an affair with an elephant?
A: Well, if she’s been pregnant for about two years…
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: He was stuck to the chicken.
Q: What does “DNA” stand for?
A: National Dyslexic Association.
<climbs into handbasket>
Q. What do you call 400 penguins in South Abbey?
A. Lost.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”
“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”