How can you tell if a train has just past?
By its tracks!
You want a bad elephant joke? Fine.
Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
When you’re 10 feet tall, 6 inches isn’t enough.
What is it that looks like an elephant and flies?
A flying elephant.
What is it that looks like an elephant and flies and is very dangerous?
A flying elephant with a machine gun.
Bwahahahaha
thought I’d share my evil fact for the day
Imthecowgodmoo
Registered: Apr 1999
Posts:…666
back to the bad jokes…
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you . . .”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in your pregnancy.”
"No, that’s not it at all, Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
OK. Pregant jokes.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“Like this?”
“A little more…”
“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head.”
Q. How many women were in the Boston Tea Party?
A. None, they threw all the bags overboard!
Q. How do tell which jet at the airport belongs to the Itialian Airlines?
A. It’s the one with hair under its wings!
Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a
frying pan.
“What was that for?” he asks.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with
the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replies.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the
name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explains.
Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking
him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, “What was that for?”
“Your horse phoned today.”
An aging billionaire hated all of his greedy family, and couldn’t bear the thought of leaving his money to those money grubbers. So he had the top scientists in the world make a clone of him in his earlier years. He thought his plan was foolproof. He’d just leave his vast wealth to a younger version of himself.
Things didn’t exactly go as planned. The clone had a slight defect! He would go around acting lewdly, spending tons of money on wine, women, and … women. He was always getting arrested for indecent conduct or public drunk or public lewdness. The aging billionaire realized that he wouldn’t be able to leave his wealth with his clone. The clone had to be disposed of. The billionaire lured the clone to the edge of very tall cliff, and pushed him over the edge to his death! A short time later, the billionaire was arrested. Do you know what the charge was?
Making an obscene clone fall!
After the end of the Muppets Show, Kermit the Frog landed on hard times. As a last ditch effort to get back into show business he gathered up his remaining belongings into a carpet bag and headed to the bank for a loan. The loan officer, Patricia Whack didn’t know if Kermit’s belongings counted as collateral, so she showed her boss the contents of Kermit’s carpet bag, and asked if she should give him a loan. What did her boss say?
Those are knick-knacks, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!
Once there was a king of a small tribe of pigmies that lived in grass houses. He was so loved by all his people that they built him a throne made of gold and jewels. The king didn’t want his throne to be stolen, so he surrounded it with poisonous bugs and snakes, and deadly spikes, razor wire and anything else dangerous. One day he was taking the secret path to his throne, when he tripped and fell into one of his own traps. Of course he died immediately. What’s the moral of this story?
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
A guy went into a bar with a monkey. The bartender was talking to the guy while his monkey went over to the pool table and started playing with the pool balls. The next thing they knew, the monkey was swallowing the pool balls. The bartender asked the guy why his monkey was eating the pool balls. The guy replied that he eats anything and everything - and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Well, a few days later, the guy came back into the bar with his monkey. This time the monkey stayed at the bar with the guy. While the bartender and the guy were talking, the monkey was picking up peanuts, sticking them up his butt and then eating them. The bartender asked why the monkey was doing this. The guy replied, “After those pool balls the other day, he sizes everything before he swallows it.”
Did you hear about the guy with square balls?
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He had cubic hairs.
Mr Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, asked during class,“Miss Smythe, would you name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr Perkins, I don’t think that is proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with complete composure replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.” “Correct”, said Mr Perkins.
“And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lesson; two, you have a dirty mind; and three, you will, someday, be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
So this guy is sitting at a bar in the convention hall when in walks this gorgeous woman and sits down right next to him. The man is astonished by her beauty and tries to get up the nerve to start a conversation with her… : “Are you here on business?” he asks. She says “Yes, as a matter of fact Im here for the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention being held here this weekend.” He cant believe his ears and asks " And what kind of ‘business’ role are you doing for this convention?" She replies " Well, I’m actually a speaker for a seminar in the convention entitled “The Myths of Sex and Sexuality in Our Society Today” She continues “For example, its commonly been told that the African American man is the one who is gifted with the largest penis… when in fact, it is actually the American Indian. And its been said for many generations that the French men are the best lovers of the world, when it is actually the Jewish men.” She paused and said " I do apologize, here I am blabbing away and I haven’t even asked your name or told you mine." The man smiles and says “Tonto. Tonto Goldstien.”
A man sees a sign on a restaurant that says: “We pay you $100 if you can order something we can’t serve.”
“Wow” thinks the man, “this will be easy money!” He goes into the restaurant and orders an Elephant Ear Sandwich. A short while later, the waiter hands him $100. The man says “I knew you wouldn’t have any elephant ears!”, to which the waiter replies. “Actually we just in a fresh shipment, but we’re all out of those big buns!”
A man walks into a bar and sees a giraffe behind the counter. He thought it was a little weird, but didn’t say anything. The man approaches the bar and the giraffe talks to him! The giraffe says “What can I getcha, mac”? “Oh MY GOD, IT’S TRUE!!! That Giraffe just spoke to me!”, thought the man. He takes off running as fast as he possibly can! Finally he’s totally exhausted and passes out by the side of the road where a farmer finds him. The farmers asks him if he’s o.k., and the man gasps weakly, “There’s a, a, a giraffe tending bar back there!” The farmer says, “What’s wrong with that, son?”, and the man says “I didn’t know the zebra quit!”
“I think I have a problem, Doc,” says a patient. “One of my balls has turned blue.”
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn’t have his testicle removed.
“Are you crazy?!” bursts the patient. “How could I let you do such a thing to me!”
“You want to die?” asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. “Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too.”
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
“Hey, you want to die?” asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, “I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.”
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
“You want to die?” asks the doctor.
“But…how do I pee?”
“We’ll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.”
So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor’s office again. He is very angry.
“Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!”
“What?”
“Can you tell me what the hell is happening??”
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, “Hmmm, I don’t know. Could it be the jeans?”
Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. “Look! a pair of tracks” The first blonde said while pointing to the ground. “Those are deer tracks,” the other blonde replied. "Oh no,"she said to the first, “Those are definitely moose tracks.” With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Q: Why was the artist mad at the museum?
A: Because they gave him the brush off.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the clarinet recital.
What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
oh what the hell, why not a couple more…
What’s the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.
What’s the difference between a musician and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
::::quickly running away and hiding::::
I feel chicken jokes coming on.
How does a chicken cross the road?
NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken: You see different coloured feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken.
Microsoft Chicken ™: It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken: It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road…
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets).
Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken: Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across in your pocket.
Cray Chicken: Crosses the road faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the other side of your course.
Lotus Chicken: Don’t you dare try to cross the road the same way as we do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.
Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it’s finished, assuming he’s re-elected and the Republicans don’t gut the program.
COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS0-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
Q: How did the wealthy rubber chicken cross the road?
A: In her Cadillac stretch limo.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crossed.
If a ram is a sheep and an ass is a donkey, why do we call a ram in the ass a goose??
Q. What’s the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?
A. Having to cough up someone else’s phlegm.