To my Brother in Law: Drama will not bring this relationship back together

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It was around 10pm, and I was struggling with a programming problem when my phone rang, the screen showing an unfamiliar number which my caller id had failed to identify. It turned out to be my brother in law, and he was sobbing and threatening suicide.

It turned out that BIL and sis had frequent quarrels. “She picks fights over the smallest things” was my BIL’s summary. It was after one such quarrel she stormed out to my mum’s place, three weeks ago. I told BIL that I would find out what’s wrong. He wanted a date when he could meet with sis. I said I would try, but no promise.

From my sister and mum’s accounts, this is a frequent event. BIL would lose his top over small matters, and would cuss foully at my sister. My sister would then be unhappy and move out, and BIL will repent, beg for forgiveness amidst tears and suicide threats. This could be the seventh times or more this had happened, since they were married late last year.

Yes, 7 meltdowns over a period of less than a year.

Meanwhile, as I was talking to my sister, BIL continued to bombard my phone, and finally sending me a SMS which sums up, “Why aren’t you helping me? Why don’t you answer my call?”

I got a SMS each day after the incident. One can be shorten to “Can you imagine how I feel? Please help me”, while the most recent today is “I am involved in another car accident as I cannot think. I need a date to see your sis. Can you imagine how hurt I am?” My annoyance meter raised a notch each day.

Mum also told me BIL called up sis’ workplace, through the office phone, even though sis told him not to. Even though I have told him to give her room. The boss yelled at him. I hope my sis kept her job.

Honesty, BIL, this is not a soap opera. Stop whining, expecting that your tears will somehow set things right. No amount dramatic posturing on your part would change the situation. What my sister wants is someone who is able to give her security, stability and understanding, not the romantic sappy kind of relationship. I don’t know who is right or who is wrong, but if you are having melt-downs these often, one of you isn’t doing right.

And looking at your behaviour just over three days, I have a hunch that the fault is up your sorry ass. You think just crying, swearing to heaven and trying to get my sis’ sympathy is going to work after ten (or more) massive melt-downs? Don’t think so.

Finally, if you take your own life, it’s your own fucking responsibility.

2

I hate this. I’ve been through this. It’s like they expect YOU to do something to make their lives all better, when they KNOW they’re so F’d up…but it’s like they’re trying to drag others in to spread the drama around. They want observers to take sides. Give advice. MAKE the offending party see the error of their ways. TALK to the offending party. I’m willing to help people if they need actual physical help, I will listen to them vent once in a while, but this stuff you are going through is beyond the limit. It’s all theirs, (or his) and unless they seek the advice of a professional counsellor, it’s not up to friends or relatives to referee explosive drama. Sounds like he could use some meds as well as a marriage counsellor.

3

Amen! He needs help and unless you have at least a masters of social work, it’s probably not you… offer to help him find help and then wash your hands of him.

4

This sounds like obsession, not love. I would cut myself off from it. Screen your calls. I hope your sister is ok.

5

Sounds like an ex of mine. For once I agree with Perc.

6

Almost sounds like he belongs in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder thread. “But what about MMMEEEEE!!!”

7

Why is he assuming you’re on his side? He pissed your sister off. That means he pissed you off, right?

8

IANAL, but it sounds like it’s time for your sis to get a restraining order. I’ve been through this, and they don’t understand what they’ve done. This is abuse, and she does not need to stand for it. She is also not alone.

I’ll be praying for your sis, you and the family.

9

If he’s harassing her and threatening suicide, call him on it and call the cops. The next time he makes a hysterical call like that, hang up and dial 911, let the cops handle it.

He may be an ass and a loser, but he does need help too, and suicide sucks for all those left behind.

10

Tell him he needs more help than you’re qualified to give him. And tell him that YOU’RE tired of his phone calls, SIS is tired of them, and that both of you are thinking about restraining orders.

Tell him to call back after he’s had about half a year of therapy. Half a year won’t be enough to cure him, but it might be enough that he can interact somewhat rationally with other people.

11

What Lynn said. To start with, this is between him and his wife, not his wife’s family (although your support of your sister is a good thing). If you’re still being civil to him after all that pestering, you’re a more patient person than I am.

12

Time for sis to cut her losses. Restraining order, followed by a divorce filing.

He sounds like he has a personality disorder, frankly. If that’s the case, there’s zero anybody other than a qualified mental health professional can do for him.

13

Thanks for the support and advice. And now, here’s the scheduled plot twist. Man, I feel like I am in a middle of a soap opera.

He got busted for taking some illegal drugs just today or yesterday. Sis was feeling sorry for him and Mum was worried that would make her go down to visit him and eventually forgive him. Drug abuse is taken seriously here (see my location) and the shocker is he was convicted and did jail time before, for the same crime. Leopard, spots.

The first thought in my mind is “Gee, did he do this intentionally?” Mother in Law said most probably. OMG, does this guy ever think of anyone else but himself?

Anyway I have called up a marriage counselor to help sis to sort out her feelings and decide what she want. Mum is supporting divorce, but I want sis to make her own choice.

This guy is obviously not a thinker. He came to me through sobs and tears, maybe to get my sympathy. For a while I do, till I listen to my sis’ side of the story. I guess he’s desperate. He also knew that my mum and sister are both depressed, and hinted that they were making things up and he is the victim.

A really low blow, now that I think about it.

Of course, things may not be as bad as my mum or sister made it out to be, because I wasn’t involved in this drama till now. But my sister is really tired, worn out and emotional - I can hear it through her voice. If she wants time away from BIL, she got it. What irks me is that BIL shows no concern for anyone’s boundaries and it’s just “But I can’t sleep! I got into a car accident today, and I SMSed her. Why didn’t she call me? Let see what other trouble I could get into today so she would pay attention to me! Wawawa~”

14

Your sis does have to decide to cut her losses on her own - she’ll keep taking him back until she’s had enough of his drama (hopefully it will be soon).

15

You have a choice.

You can simply reply to one of his communications with “I am not going to get in between the two of you. You will need to talk to her, if she will let you. I will not respond to any more of your communications about this.” I think that is a completely legitimate position for you to take, and it sounds like the position you’re inclined to. However, if you want to be fair about this, you shouldn’t talk to your sister about any of this relationship yet either.

You can reply to him and say, “I support my sister. I am not going to help you.”

If you are willing to take a larger role, you should talk to your sister first and see if she is ok with this. If so, I would start by saying to him, “What I hear from my sister is that you have verbally abused her repeatedly, to the point where she leaves you and moves back in with our mother. According to her, it has happened 7 or more times since your marriage. And then you beg forgiveness, she returns to you, and the cycle repeats. How do you respond to this? If you think she is misstating your relationship, how would you characterize it?” And then go from there.

16

This.

She needs to get a whole lot of gone between her and him.

17

Well, it’s worked for seven…why not eight or nine or ten or more?

It takes two, Grandma always said. If your sis wants to be rid of him, she can (divorce, restraining orders, calling the police whenever he threatens her or himself, moving away in the middle of the night and changing her identity…). The fact that she hasn’t means she doesn’t really want to be rid of him.

Stay. Out. Of. It. He can’t make drama in *your *life unless you let him, anymore than he can make drama in your sister’s life unless she lets him. Drama takes two or more; turn this into a monologue.

18

I wonder if it’s been a drug problem all along, and the drugs caused his initial behavioral issues, as opposed to just being a way to try and get her sympathy now?

19

There should be posters printed up with this. The answer to why does he keep calling/emailing/coming over is, so often, because she keeps answering/replying/letting him in. Feel free to reverse the genders where appropriate.

20

My sister has cut communication from her husband for the past three weeks. Which had lead to the current meltdown.

Some updates: We have met a counsellor and sister is under-going some therapy/counselling, mostly to settle her nerves and guilt, and to provide advice on how to proceed with BIL. I am going to step out from this and just show support - reminding my sister about her appointment and calling to check now and then. I can’t solve their problems and shouldn’t attempt to, I believe.