Today's Top Tip

My tip for the day -

If you get a puncture on a bicycle, don’t stop at the side of the road and put your right foot on top of a fire ant nest :smack:

Anyone got any other tips??

Look left and right before crossing a street.

And * mind the gap! * :wink:

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and the French love it, it’s probably Jerry Lewis.

Trust me.

When taking both muscle relaxers and pain-killers for two separate ailments, even when both are prescribed by the same doctor, cancel your plans.

For the day.

[sub]Unless, of course, your plans involve a great deal of television watching through closed eyelids on the living room couch, and simultaneously being a cat perch and climbing toy for your child.[/sub]

Don’t eat your boogers in public.

When visiting a store called the “House of Celts,” make sure you have thoroughly researched it first. You may drive an hour to find out that is an avocado green house with kilts in the garage.


Don’t run with scissors.

Don’t walk directly into a beehive.

Never sniff your armpit at an auction.

Don’t keep your dishwashing liquid in the garage. Leave it next to the kitchen sink where it’s nice and handy.

It is impolite to inquire about the vintage of the wine at the Communion Rail.

If you’re going to kill someone, do not wear his clothes when you go into battle with his adoptive father.

Just a FYI.

If you’re in an airplane, the only time you can have too much fuel is if you’re on fire.

Here’s one I learned today:

Remove the large piece of toilet paper from your shaving cut before walking around the office for 3 hours.

Dont put a sock in the toaster.
Its always got me throught life.


When planning any action, consider if you might later be using the phrase ‘I just assumed…’ . Then un-assume.

I quote Joe Walsh:

“It’s really hard to meditate on amphetamines.”

Cats do not appreciate being used as doorstops or towels.

Don’t shit where you eat.

Hasn’t stopped me from dating at work before, but I’m hoping I wise up.

“Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt cheeks.”

“And remember-when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Good night!”