As you have probably seen, a Trump aide has said he is going to start his own social media platform. I’ll believe it when I see it. But in the meantime, let’s try to guess the top 10 features of a social media platform designed by Donald Trump. I’ll start us off
It will be called Trumpr
Trumpr will have a dating feature. Trump will be the only male allowed to put up a profile. Swiping right on his profile will be a compulsory part of the registration process for women who wish to join Trumpr. Women will only be allowed to put up a profile if they look like a Stepford Wife or a porn star
The only allowable posts will be (a) those by Trump, or replying or forwarding his posts; and (b) posts about Trump. The only acceptable ways of referring to him will be as “The Donald”, “Sir” or “Mr President”.
Trumpr reserves the right to sanction users for inoffensive posts.
For a $300 upgrade (payable to “Mr President”), you get the Gold Premium Platform. It looks just like the regular platform, but the word TRUMP is automatically capitalized in red font whenver used.
If this ever does see the light of day, the company will pay Trump a licensing fee for the use of his name and face, another for management and consulting, and anything else Trump can think to squeeze out of them.
Sometime after those checks clear, the company will go bankrupt, cease operations, and the investors will lose everything.
Serious: The Trumpr board will be very in favor of section 230, Trump and the Trumpr members will be against it.
Trumpr will be set up as a separate entity paying fees to Trump so he wont be liable for any problems.
Also the built in autocorrect will not allow the word “orange”, replacing it with “manly tan”. Trumpr posters will insist that yes, they intended to post about having manly tan juice for breakfast.
The captcha system will have you identify confederate soldier statues rather than the standard bicycles or boats.
Passwords will be eight characters or less and only allow lower-case letters of common dictionary words like “penis” and “boobs”.
To join, you’ll have to pass a QAnon knowledge test.
Some of the first user accounts will be names related to “John Barron”, “John Miller”, and “David Dennison”. All three will go on an on about how perfect the word “covfefe” really is.
The new “We’re being muzzled!” talking point will be that twitter hasn’t introduced a separate field for conservative politicians to put in their Trumpr user name and that they aren’t preventing librarl users from generating automated block lists for twitter users with trumpr-handles in their profile.
There will be a “donate” button right next to the “post” button. They will be almost indistinguishable. They will be in a different order in the browser and desktop apps than in the phone apps. The “donate” button will be set up for One-Click donations.