Tottally off-beat answers to normal questions.

Inspired by on of the coffee threads, I remembered something that happened between me and my dad. My dad had a weird sense of humor, and was full of one-liners and odd-ball remarks, but this one threw me for a loop.

He was over at my place for a couple of days, helping me with some stuff around the house. I was making coffee, and innocently asked him;

“Dad, how do you ussually drink your coffee?”

The answer?

“At the kitchen sink, in my boxershorts, scratching my ass…”
Totally true answer, since the doctor only allowed him one cup a day to get started in the morning. But still delightfully weird.

I miss you, Dad.

I think I miss your Dad too. He sounds like a good guy.

The story is told of a sax player in Jimmy Dorsey’s band in the 1940s who cultivated an aloof, intimidating hipster persona (apparently women loved it). Anyway, whenever he met some square who greeted him with “How do you do?” he’d glare at them and growl, "How do I do what?"

A waitress once looked at my dad’s unfinished meal and said, “Do you wanna box for that?”

He said, “No, I’ll take it peaceably.”

After her triple take she said, “I’ll never be able to say those words again.”

In the car with my husband and brother, listening to the radio, some ad for something or other starts off with the line “Good things come in threes”

to which my brother witting replied…

“Like TWINS!”

Made us crack up for the rest of the weekend…all it took was someone saying “Threes!” and we’d lose it!

My favourite of these is the classic restaurant one:

“Do you have any reservations?”

“Yes. We nearly didn’t come.”
Was that Groucho?

I make a point of occasionally completely failing to understand questions my kids ask me; for example, yesterday, they came in while I was halfway through watching a TV documentary about the Galapgos Islands; my daughter pointed and asked 'what’s that?"
I replied “It’s a television set”.

The alternative strategy for this particular kind of question is to look not at the object they’re pointing at, but instead look closely at their pointing finger and answer “It’s your finger”.

Keeps them on their toes and I think it has actually helped them to learn to frame unambiguous questions.

“Can I ask you a question?”

My reply: “You just did.”

Said while driving by a Holiday Inn Express:

Husband: We should stay at one of those our next vacation.

Me: After that we would be able to take over the world! Bwahahaha :cool:

My college campus is often crawling with young representatives of banks, LDS churches, etc. trying to win over converts and customers. When the church people try to give me a bible or a Jesus card, I tell them “Sorry, I’m broke” without breaking my stride and walk right on by, ignoring their protests. :smiley: I play it the other way around for the bankers: I tell them that my god, Zorastra, despises banking and that they should really not be trying to piss Him off any more than they already are, and did I mention he’s the God of Fire? I also tell the people pushing political causes that I’m an illegal immigrant from Vietnam (I’m white as bread).

From an old Rose is Rose, from memory :

Kid : “Why are old pictures and TV shows black and white ?”

Dad : “They aren’t. They are color pictures of a black and white world. Then some time back in the 50’s, everything started turning color; pretty grainy color too, for a while.”

When my cow-orker hears her phone ringing from across the room, she calls out, “Is that me?” I invariably shout back, “No, it’s your phone!!!” No one has ever laughed at this. Not. Once.

A frequent question at a grocery store I frequent is, “Would you like your milk in a bag?”

I always answer, “I’d prefer you left it in the jug.”

I also broke my wife of using that annoying question, “Ya think?” by responding, “All the time.”

I’m not sure that this counts as a normal question, but I’m teaching information literacy and the first day of class I passed out an assessment sheet for the students to fill out.

One of my questions was “Name an information literacy skill you already posess”

Answers varied, from none, to using google, to “Mouse clicking”

OK, I just finished telling the class that information literacy skills include computer usage, as well as research skills . . . but mouse clicking is kind of a stretch. It did make me smile, and I think I wrote “cute” on his assessment.

I was kinda dissapointed that the guy who wrote A+ next to grade on his quiz didn’t in fact earn anything resembling an A±-but not surprised.

That was Calvin and Hobbes. Unless Pat Brady stole it. Or unless Bill Watterson stole it from Brady.

From the Young Ones:

“Is that the time?”

“No, time is an abstract concept; that’s a wristwatch.”

Co-worker: “Did you get a haircut?”

“No, I got all of them cut.”

My best line ever was when a woman earnestly asked me, “Do you know Jesus?”

“Sure! He and I used to play baseball down at the annex!”

Don’t know why I said that-- it just popped out as soon as I open my mouth. I think I was posessed.

Of course, the best answer for that question probably comes from the movie Dogma. “Know him? Nigger owes me twelve bucks!”

What is it about Dads??

“Anyone want dessert? There’s ice cream in the freezer if anyone wants it!”

My Dad: “Actually I think you’ll find that there’s ice cream in the freezer even if no one wants it”
I also went to school with a guy whose favored response to “How do you feel?” was “With my hands”
I myself will confess that when the dentist’s office had me fill out one of those multipage questionnaires in the waiting room, I answered the inquiry “How do you brush your teeth?” by writing “With a toothbrush” in the blank.

“Are you letting your hair grow out?”
“No. It’s doing it on it’s own.”

“Will you watch my purse?”
“Why? Is it going to do a trick?”

“Will you save my seat?”
(to chair) “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour?”

My family’s eye-rolling muscles are very highly developed.

“Are you trying to grow a mustach/beard/goatee”
“Yup ::making pushing/grunting sounds:: I was working on it all last night, this is as far as I got”

Whenever a waitress asks me “How would you like your eggs cooked?” I am compelled to reply “That would be great, otherwise they’re a bit of a health hazard!” So many deer, so many headlights… :stuck_out_tongue:

The usual answer to “What’s up?” is either “The way things don’t fall” or “Grubby acoustical ceiling tiles, why do you ask?”

For some reason answering “How are you” with “Simply spiffy!” or “Absolutely topping!” throws most people off their rails–perhaps it’s mean to mess with the less caffeinated…