Tough blow [gf leaves me and moves out all while I am gone from the house]

[cmyk]

Yep. We believe my MIL has BPD with a side order of codependency. It’s been hell on my wife all her life. In my observations, she seems to make up an entire different reality out of whole cloth based on some perceived negative emotion or slight. Sometimes it’s just an all out assumption on how she or others must be feeling toward her, until there’s a HUGE WTF moment when she accuses her or others about stuff that never happened or was completely misinterpreted from the most innocuous comment that no one ever gave a second thought about.

Moving from the Detroit area to Memphis has helped take a lot of pressure off my wife alone, but still, everything about the move she took personally, and everything is always about her.

[Doctor_Jackson]

Ambi, I have no experience here and few words. I can say with certainty that it will get better. I wish I could tell you when, but I don’t know. It will, though, in due time.

[TruCelt]

I’m so sorry Ambi. This sounds just awful.

In case it’s any consolation, I’ll tell you about a friend of mine. She is brilliant, educated at Boston U and later at Cambridge. She is successful, first as a journalist (had a byline in the Washington Post) and later in the Government contracting field - earning a six-figure salary.

She is sweet, and loving, and loyal. And she has BPD. She can turn on a dime, hear things you’d never even think, much less say, and go off at a level that blows your mind with its vehemence. She will go three days drinking nothing but coffee and eating nothing but sweets, and then when she feels utterly shaky and exhausted and anxious, she will lock onto some tiny movement or comment of somebody else’s and decide that’s what made her upset. Then she will build interpretations upon each other like an upside-down pyramid balanced upon that tiny movement or comment and suddenly ten tons of toxic emotion come down, crushing both her and the unfortunate other.

And she has NEVER ended a relationship without police involvement. If she told me she had quietly gathered her things and left a boyfriend without a word I would jump for joy at the improvement she was describing. If she told me she wanted to break up with someone, I would advise her to do exactly that, and consider myself as his saving angel if she actually followed the advice.

pwBPD have an extreme difficulty letting go of relationships. exGF has done the best she can for you. She was not capable of being happy with a person of your temperament. Your personalities did not mesh in a way that would ever be healthy for either of you. She knew that hiding herself was a daily lie that you would be horrified by when you inevitably found it out.

She set you free quietly. And, thank goodness, she let you know that she was all right so you don’t have to worry about her. For someone with these challenges, that is absolutely the best gift she could manage.

I hope you will nonetheless make it a non-returnable gift. She may get lonely and start missing you. She may try to come back. Please do not engage. You did well to block her communication. Stand by that decision. There is no where to go from here except a black hole of drama and hysteria. She will eventually need to make it all your fault, so she’ll invent levels of anger and perhaps even physical abuse that never happened. (Sounds like she’s already headed that way.) Let it go. It’s what she needs to believe to avoid the suicide-inducing reality that she failed yet another relationship. She can’t see 50-50 scenarios. It’s black or it’s white, so let her have what she needs to survive.

And hang in there. The silence will be echo-y for a while. Make sure you play with the dog at least 30 min. per day, and feed yourself yummy healthy food. Get plenty of exercise, slacking off would be a terrible plan right now. And go to that anger management class - get ready so you can start off on the right foot when Ms. Right does come along.

I hope that’s helpful, please ignore anything that isn’t.

Wishing you peace and quick healing.

TC

[Ambivalid]

@TruCelt

I’m so sorry Ambi. This sounds just awful.

In case it’s any consolation, I’ll tell you about a friend of mine. She is brilliant, educated at Boston U and later at Cambridge. She is successful, first as a journalist (had a byline in the Washington Post) and later in the Government contracting field - earning a six-figure salary.

She is sweet, and loving, and loyal. And she has BPD. She can turn on a dime, hear things you’d never even think, much less say, and go off at a level that blows your mind with its vehemence. She will go three days drinking nothing but coffee and eating nothing but sweets, and then when she feels utterly shaky and exhausted and anxious, she will lock onto some tiny movement or comment of somebody else’s and decide that’s what made her upset. Then she will build interpretations upon each other like an upside-down pyramid balanced upon that tiny movement or comment and suddenly ten tons of toxic emotion come down, crushing both her and the unfortunate other.

And she has NEVER ended a relationship without police involvement. If she told me she had quietly gathered her things and left a boyfriend without a word I would jump for joy at the improvement she was describing. If she told me she wanted to break up with someone, I would advise her to do exactly that, and consider myself as his saving angel if she actually followed the advice.

pwBPD have an extreme difficulty letting go of relationships. exGF has done the best she can for you. She was not capable of being happy with a person of your temperament. Your personalities did not mesh in a way that would ever be healthy for either of you. She knew that hiding herself was a daily lie that you would be horrified by when you inevitably found it out.

She set you free quietly. And, thank goodness, she let you know that she was all right so you don’t have to worry about her. For someone with these challenges, that is absolutely the best gift she could manage.

I hope you will nonetheless make it a non-returnable gift. She may get lonely and start missing you. She may try to come back. Please do not engage. You did well to block her communication. Stand by that decision. There is no where to go from here except a black hole of drama and hysteria. She will eventually need to make it all your fault, so she’ll invent levels of anger and perhaps even physical abuse that never happened. (Sounds like she’s already headed that way.) Let it go. It’s what she needs to believe to avoid the suicide-inducing reality that she failed yet another relationship. She can’t see 50-50 scenarios. It’s black or it’s white, so let her have what she needs to survive.

And hang in there. The silence will be echo-y for a while. Make sure you play with the dog at least 30 min. per day, and feed yourself yummy healthy food. Get plenty of exercise, slacking off would be a terrible plan right now. And go to that anger management class - get ready so you can start off on the right foot when Ms. Right does come along.

I hope that’s helpful, please ignore anything that isn’t.

Wishing you peace and quick healing.

TC

Thank you for this.

One thing that she was very, idk, convinced of, is her ability to read people from the facial expressions they made, they way they simply held their faces. I believe this is related to her bpd, it was extremely prevalent in her personality. She made snap decisions about people just from looking at them. And, in the case of it happening with people that I was familiar with, she was usually dead wrong.

[Ambivalid]

She has been attempting communication. I’ve been getting repeat calls from a “private” number, which I don’t answer. Since I’ve blocked her number, calling private would be the only way to get thru. She leaves no messages however. I haven’t answered, eitherf. In my final communication with her, she said some extremely awful things, not just about me but about my entire family. That was certainly the nail in the coffin. It’s what convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt to block her and be done.

[SeaDragonTattoo]

You’re right to do that, hope you stay strong and keep going forward. You have a lot to offer the right person, IMHO another strong personality is needed to mesh with yours! I wonder if an extra therapy session might be possible/helpful here in the beginning. When I had a spectacular fallout with a long-time close friend it really helped to talk to a therapist about it.

[iiandyiiii]

@Ambivalid

She has been attempting communication. I’ve been getting repeat calls from a “private” number, which I don’t answer. Since I’ve blocked her number, calling private would be the only way to get thru. She leaves no messages however. I haven’t answered, eitherf. In my final communication with her, she said some extremely awful things, not just about me but about my entire family. That was certainly the nail in the coffin. It’s what convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt to block her and be done.

Good luck and stay strong. I would advise you to resist any temptation to communicate in any way – if she sends an email or text (maybe from an unblocked address or number), try to delete it before even reading it.

[Acsenray]

@Ambivalid

She has been attempting communication. I’ve been getting repeat calls from a “private” number, which I don’t answer. Since I’ve blocked her number, calling private would be the only way to get thru. She leaves no messages however. I haven’t answered, eitherf. In my final communication with her, she said some extremely awful things, not just about me but about my entire family. That was certainly the nail in the coffin. It’s what convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt to block her and be done.

I endorse this decision. By disappearing on you like that, she either (1) thinks you are a dangerous monster, or (2) is extremely cruel herself. Regardless of what she might try to say to you at this point, you should never forget that.

And, just to echo what others say, there’s no way to make this suck less. It hurts and it hurts bad. Live with the hurt. It becomes like a friend or lover in and of itself. At some point you’ll realize you are sometimes missing the hurt. That’s when you know you’re getting over it.

[Ambivalid]

@SeaDragonTattoo

You’re right to do that, hope you stay strong and keep going forward. You have a lot to offer the right person, IMHO another strong personality is needed to mesh with yours! I wonder if an extra therapy session might be possible/helpful here in the beginning. When I had a spectacular fallout with a long-time close friend it really helped to talk to a therapist about it.

I already see a therapist, the anger-management is in addition.

[Ambivalid]

@Acsenray

By disappearing on you like that, she either (1) thinks you are a dangerous monster, or (2) is extremely cruel herself.

I don’t agree. She’s definitely not cruel, she’s the sweetest girl I’ve ever known. Her view of me seemed to change, quite rapidly. Almost in a cyclical fashion. I think she is not well. That is why she disappeared on me like that. Her brain is a constant whirlwind and she thinks I’m evil one day and a saint the next. But I was aware that it was symptomatic of her condition and I weathered the ups and downs. Because I loved her.

But, in hindsight now, I see that the relationship never really stood a chance in the long run. Yes, I contributed to the problems, no doubt. I lost my temper a few times and yelled when I shouldn’t have. But I never, in any capacity, was abusive. She was so sensitive to my anger, however, that she felt harmed by that anger. It took me a while to come to terms with this. So while it’s for the best that we’re done, I still care about her. She is like a ship lost at sea. But it’s not my war. I have my own battles to fight.

[Cazzle]

Terminating communication seems like a healthy choice. Stay strong.

[Pantastic]

@Ambivalid

One thing that she was very, idk, convinced of, is her ability to read people from the facial expressions they made, they way they simply held their faces. I believe this is related to her bpd, it was extremely prevalent in her personality. She made snap decisions about people just from looking at them. And, in the case of it happening with people that I was familiar with, she was usually dead wrong.

My ex- was similar. pwBPD are really good at picking up on emotional changes and upset in other people, and will often react to a shift in posture or tone that you weren’t even aware of. But they genuinely don’t understand how people without BPD’s thoughts work, and tend to project their own thoughts and feelings onto other people and think they’re really empathetic when they’re really miles away.

Before you worry about what you contributed to the relationship, let your therapist know what was going on, and run scenarios by him or her. It’s easy to blame yourself for a huge blowup when you really either did nothing wrong or did something only mildly wrong.

[Penfeather]

@Ambivalid

I don’t agree. She’s definitely not cruel, she’s the sweetest girl I’ve ever known. Her view of me seemed to change, quite rapidly. Almost in a cyclical fashion. I think she is not well. That is why she disappeared on me like that. Her brain is a constant whirlwind and she thinks I’m evil one day and a saint the next. But I was aware that it was symptomatic of her condition and I weathered the ups and downs. Because I loved her.

That’s fairly characteristic of BPD, somebody is either their best friend in the entire world, or their worst enemy, and it can be the same person. It can switch back and forth with almost no notice, as well, and on the tiniest of pretexts - except for them it isn’t a pretext, it isn’t calculated, that is absolutely their reality. There is little room for anything between the blackest of blacks and the starkest of whites, and the slightest of disagreements - even a difference of opinion - is often taken as a a personal slight and proof of rejection and betrayal. And everything, but everything is examined and interpreted personally, there is no such thing as a neutral conversation.

[Sicks_Ate]

My ex wife had all of the indicators of BPD. She hadn’t been diagnosed as of the last therapy session we attended together, so I don’t know if that had changed.

I do know that everything I’ve read about BPD, including this thread, is spot on.

She too packed a bunch of shit and left while I was at work. She had previously decided she wanted a divorce, but I thought maybe we were working towards thinking otherwise. Apparently not!

ETA: But of course this isn’t about me.

Sorry OP. I wasn’t aware off your relationship status, that’s a long time to invest for it to end so quickly.

[HoneyBadgerDC]

No advice here but possibly some support. My second wife did something very similar after 5 years of marriage. I wasn’t surprised or unhappy about it though. I related to the pathological non confrontational aspect. She always perceived herself as being repressed. Nice and sweet as pie all the time. She couldn’t even tell you if she liked a particular food or not. In her mind she felt that I or any other man she was with would not allow her to express herself honestly. It is an impossible situation and there is nothing you could have done about it.

[Ambivalid]

@HoneyBadgerDC

I related to the pathological non confrontational aspect. She always perceived herself as being repressed. Nice and sweet as pie all the time. She couldn’t even tell you if she liked a particular food or not. In her mind she felt that I or any other man she was with would not allow her to express herself honestly.

My fucking god, the similarities continue to mount. This one especially. “Pathologically non-confrontational” is the perfect description of her. She would rather put on a smile and say what she believed to be what I wanted to hear, simply to avoid a possible negative reaction. In her mind, she was keeping things “calm and peaceful” (her understanding of those terms). However, she was often trying to keep the momentary peace at the expense of resolving whatever issue it was that I was trying to broach with her.

So she’d say everything was ok, even though everything wasn’t ok, not really. But I never had a way to know this because she was so scared of what she imagined my reaction would be (back-handing her, for example) that she never told me her true feelings on certain matters. And on the many times where I knew that something was wrong, despite her claims otherwise, it was always nearly impossible to get the truth out of her.

These were very often not even really significant matters, either. It would be trivially, mudane things too. Amazingly, something like asking her if I had missed a spot on the back of head after shaving it. She’d look and point to the lower end of the back of my head and say, you missed the hair down here. So, I’d go back to the mirrors, to finish it up and I couldn’t see any missed hair. I’d call her back and ask her where this hair was she saw, as I couldn’t see it with my crappy little hand held mirror.

Her response was immediately to acquiesce and say, “Oh, ok, I’m sorry.” “No, no, babe, are you thinking I’d get angry if you disagreed with me? I just was asking you where you saw this hair?” “I’m just worried, that’s all.” ???

[Gyrate]

I can’t offer anything other than sympathy for your emotional distress - it does sounds incredibly hard to have something like that happen.

One question, though: what were your feelings about the cat? I assume it was her cat, and so there wasn’t much of an issue with her taking it?

(I ask because if my wife left me I’d grieve but eventually move on, but if she took the cat there would be hell to pay.)

[Chimera]

@Penfeather

That’s fairly characteristic of BPD, somebody is either their best friend in the entire world, or their worst enemy, and it can be the same person. It can switch back and forth with almost no notice, as well, and on the tiniest of pretexts - except for them it isn’t a pretext, it isn’t calculated, that is absolutely their reality. There is little room for anything between the blackest of blacks and the starkest of whites, and the slightest of disagreements - even a difference of opinion - is often taken as a a personal slight and proof of rejection and betrayal. And everything, but everything is examined and interpreted personally, there is no such thing as a neutral conversation.

I dunno, I thought my ex-wife was a bit too… much on things like this, so I honestly do wonder if there’s a certain amount of calculation.

Once gave me a big sob story about how her best friend in the world (who had performed our marriage ceremony) was being mean to her and constantly contradicting her (I later found out that friend wasn’t going along with her stories about me). Cried and moaned excessively about it, never wanted to see her again. I said ‘Let’s have her over, I’ll stay in the room and we can talk and see how it goes’.

Friend comes over, we all have a lovely time. Friend walks out the door, gets in her car and the light switch flicks. “WAAAA!!! You heard what she said about ME!!!” Confused, because nothing was said that could possibly cause offense, I turned and said that I didn’t hear anything like that. Light switch flicks, the water works stop instantly. Wife snaps at me, stomps off and doesn’t speak to me again for the rest of the day.

But friend was ‘friend’ again.

[oft_wears_hats]

I’m really sorry to hear about this mess, Ambivalid. There have already been some fantastic posts with excellent advice and information, which I know I can’t hope to top. All I can say is that my wife and I are thinking of you and we hope things sort out for you soon.

[Ambivalid]

@Gyrate

One question, though: what were your feelings about the cat? I assume it was her cat, and so there wasn’t much of an issue with her taking it?

(I ask because if my wife left me I’d grieve but eventually move on, but if she took the cat there would be hell to pay.)

I bought the cat as a gift several months ago. I’ve always been a dog man myself but that fucking cat grew on me and we were homies. I dare say that cat liked me more. She didn’t like that.