First, apologies to don marquis and Mike Nesmith, respectively, for the title of this thread.
Next, a disclaimer. I don’t know how much a part I am of the SDMB community, nor for that matter how much I want to be. Most of my interaction with fellow Dopers comes in Great Debates, and to an extent I’ve distanced myself from the more social aspects of the board. But I find it difficult sometimes to keep from seeking comfort in the friendliness here, especially since I have so few people to whom I can otherwise talk. To that end, I posted a thread about my long-distance, long-term relationship dissolving in the winter air, and I’m posting this thread now.
I’d like to quote passages from two e-mails I wrote, one in October of 1998 and one in June of 1999. The e-mails are to a friend with whom I’ve since lost contact, and each bears relevance to my present mood. I don’t write e-mails like this anymore; I don’t really have anyone to write them to. I guess that bears some relevance, as well.
October 1998
June 1999
January 2001
Things have changed since I wrote that, and then, I guess, changed back. Which in itself illustrates the cyclical nature of life, and validates the maxim of not making tempests out of molehills–or much ado about love’s labor, or something.
But I’ve got law school and such to keep me going, which I didn’t have two years ago, and I’ve since entered and exited a meaningful relationship, which is much more than I could say a year ago and a half. I feel less of the inertia and less of the self-doubt, both of which are undoubtedly Very Good Things. I’m pretty damn comfortable being where I am.
And yet… And yet. I feel at times as lonely as I ever have. What friends I had have all graduated or drifted away, and my roommate is the only person left with whom I spend any time at all outside of work. I spend most of the day by myself: in my office, reading, television, the computer. By all rights, I should feel more lonely than I do. But I’ve accepted my state of affairs with what seems to me to be uncommon calm–the same way in which I shrugged off, after a couple of days, the end of my relationship. And that’s what’s beginning to disturb me the most.
I don’t know. I don’t make friends easily–rather, I don’t make acquaintances, which is really the larval stage, isn’t it? Usually? Most social situations aren’t very much fun to me; I’d genuinely rather be home with a book. But when I do go out… Well, I played volleyball tonight, which is something I’m trying to get back into the habit of doing. It’s fun, it is; I love the sport. It’s just that, single again, I get melancholy over the stupidest things while playing. Because I don’t know any of the people I play with, and I won’t know any of them. It’s not an appropriate venue for sparking friendships…or even if it is, I don’t seem to have that mechanism in my brain. I see women there and it makes me sad because they seem to be such great people, some of them, and I lack the capacity even to initiate much of a conversation without feeling awkward and forward and other words that end in -ward. Montgomery Ward, I suppose. And it feels, counterintuitively, as though I’ll be alone forever again.
I’m not being articulate here. sigh I was just re-reading those missives to my erstwhile friend tonight, having been reminded of them, and wanted for some reason to share. Bearing in mind the passage of time, the e-mails frame it more eloquently than I feel I can right now. “I have, of late–but wherefore I know not–lost all my mirth.” Apologies to Hamlet, too.
As recently as it’s been, I miss having someone now as much as I did before I had someone. No more, I think, and no less, with one exception: I miss the warmth the most, and more acutely now for the freshness of the memory.
Gadarene, I know how you feel. I’m not really all that good at finding the right things to say, but hang in there. I hope you find something to make you happy soon.
and on a more detailed note… I wish I was better at giving sympathy and being understanding and shit. It all seems so inadequate online. So I give you my best wishes. And I hope for the best for you. You’re one of those people in the world who deserves it. Then I go and share some stories I’ve heard, and I hope it helps. I also help the people don’t get pissed at me and shun me.
So… life sucks, you’re depressed, you feel like you have no friends. I know many people who have gone through this. You know what? For most of them it gets better.
Take a look at our resident depressed lesbian, Anthracite, as long as I’ve been on the boards she’s been unhappy, depressed, sad, upset with life. Now look at her. She’s found someone who makes her feel alive, vibrant, giddy, and many other things that I wouldn’t pressume to post here. Her whole outlook on life changed cause of one person.
My friend Crack’dOff is going through extreme depression right now. He feels like he has few or no friends. He’s not sure what he wants out of life. Hell, he even went to law school and holds what you could call a successful job, and he still hates life. Cause sometimes life sucks, and then when you’re down, and at your worst, it kicks you in the nuts… repeatedly.
But, you know what? It gets better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for a couple years. But it does get better. It got better for Una, it’ll get better for Crack’d and it will get better for you.
I’ve been in the same position myself. I’ve been so bad I’ve tried to kill myself over it. And I got better too. Maybe it’ll get worse for me again, I can certainly see that. But all one can do is hope. And do me a favor… if it gets worse, get proffesional help.
Aw cheer up Gaderene, it’s not so bad. Maybe it’s just the lack of sunlight that is getting to you. I tend to find myself feeling down a little more around this time of year. Like you, I spend a large portion of my time alone. Yeah, granted, sometimes it sucks–but try to be comfortable with it, it makes you stronger within.
Hang in there - we all get in ruts from time to time. Try changing your routine a little. Focus less the past and more on the present.
If things keep progressively getting worse for your mental state - seeking some form of treatment would be a good thing for you to do.
Gad, I likes ya. And i’m not just posting this cause oldie told me to ;).
I know what you mean about the friends thing. Most of my friends have graduated, or moved away. Some have been drifting away. It’s a little depressing at times to realize that people I spent 3 years making friends with might not be around anymore. When i first realized this, it freaked the hell out of me. Sure, i could have made new friends, but i doubted i would find the bond that I have with them. But I realized I was being silly. Of course i’d not have the same bond, i’d just create new ones with others.
So, i put myself out there. I dared meeting new people. And guess what? I’ve met and made some incredible friends from this board. And as oldie said, it DOES get better. Things in life are almost always temporary.
Hang in there. <<insert pix of cat hanging onto table ledge>>
I can feed of my ability to stay depressed for long periods of time. My emotions for the past event have faded but I can still hold onto the depression, like sleeping in on a Sunday afternoon. Best of luck on your future. If you can heal yourself and become a better person because of these events you will appreciate this time in your life. Bitterness only helps hapless painters who die at 28. Find yourself again.
I feel I should reiterate that I’m not depressed, just bored, restless, and lonely. All of you have offered good advice[sup]*[/sup], nice words, and a positive outlook, for which I’m sincerely appreciative. I’m constrained in making new friends not only by my character but by the smallish town in which I live–perhaps when I go to New York in the summer, and law school in the fall, things will change. Assuming, that is, that I won’t be spending all my time studying.
I just wish there was a way for me to have someone round here now. Hell, if anyone’s ever up for making a new e-mail friend, drop me a line; I’ve become leery of making connections online, but I would appreciate an interesting discussion or two.
As for the rest, we’ll see. It would be nice to find someone to go to the movies with, play kriegspiel with, and have interesting and engaging conversation, like, actually in person with. And, like everyone else, I could use a cuddle now and then. But things go as they go. And I’m reasonably content with where I’m headed, even if it means some downtime in the interim.
Thanks again, you guys.
[sub][sup]*[/sup]Except, for me, the suggestion that I seek counseling. It’s not that I’m offended by the notion or anything, but I tend so much toward self-analysis that when I went to a therapist some years ago after a bad breakup, I talked the entire time. The therapist told me that she didn’t see any real benefit in me coming back, since I was self-aware enough that she couldn’t provide any real insight into my problems that I had not already gleaned for myself. Okay, maybe she wasn’t a very good therapist.[/sub]
aww, CRAP! Sothern Oregon? I guess it’ll take some more planning. The median point is…Arkansas? Kansas? See, the problem is, I’m in Florida (of course, at 62° and partly cloudy today, I wouldn’t normally call that a “problem.”)
