“Why isn’t anyone talking about all the icebergs I didn’t hit? So unfair!”
…and the dishonest, lamestream media keep focusing on the 1503 people who died. Why don’t they talk about the 705 who lived? That’s a tremendous number, believe me! Nobody’s seen survival numbers like that!
It’s the most people that ever survived when a ship collided with an iceberg. People don’t know that.
Steel is very powerful and cannot be damaged by the very weak ice! Fake news!
“I didn’t hit that iceberg! Just look at the face of that iceberg; I don’t think so!”
A lot of people are saying those icebergs originated from China, and China didn’t do enough to stop their spread. I’ve heard a lot of nicknames for those Chinese icebergs-- “ricebergs”…
“And no one’s talking about how tremendous the trip was before we hit the iceberg! People were coming up to me and saying, ‘Sir, this is just the best trip ever! How do you know so much about trips?’ Why focus on the one minute we were hitting an iceberg, and not the many days, so many days, we spent not hitting icebergs?”
OBJECTION!
A riceberg is the bits of rice that have clumped together; this particularly happens when cooked rice is stored in the fridge.
A big old general, fought in the Boer War, straight out of central casting, he had tears in his eyes, and he said, “Sir, best trip ever.”
Seriously, when the Orange Ignoramus uses phrases like “Many people don’t know that …” it’s code for “I just learned this”, because someone just told him, or someone had the guts to correct him (and was probably fired soon after). Like the fact that Finland is not part of Russia; thinking it was, was one of the reasons he originally objected to Helsinki for the Putin summit, according to Bolton’s book. Or that injecting Clorox bleach is not a good idea, for treating COVID-19 or anything else. Thanks to the Orange Ignoramus, there is now a pop-up warning on the Clorox website the first time you visit that should never have been necessary in any sane world: “An Important Safety Message: Bleach and other disinfectants are not suitable for consumption or injection under any circumstances …”
The reason it looks like we are sinking is that people keep looking at the water level. I keep telling my crew, please stop looking at the water.
Oh man, we are really living in an alternate Onionverse. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry sometimes.
Is it worse that people would listen to this advice from Trump?
I met with the President of the Arctic and he has denied making icebergs very strongly. I’ll say this – I don’t know why it would be the Arctic.
Also the President of the Arctic said they rake the Arctic Ocean for icebergs to keep it safer. We should be raking the Atlantic Ocean for icebergs on a regular basis.
It could have been an iceberg. It could have been some 400-pound block of ice in New Jersey, no one knows.
Today, I have signed an executive order closing America’s southern border to iceberg caravans, until we find out what the hell is going on. #iceWALL #migrantritas
Officials like John Bolton who have met with Putin several times invariably characterize him as shrewd, intelligent, and very well-informed, as one might expect of someone in that position who was also formerly director of the FSB (successor to the KGB). Dealing with the Orange Ignoramus must be for him like dealing with a not-very-bright six-year-old. Putin does deserve real credit, though – maybe an Academy Award – for his ability to keep a straight face during events like the joint presser after the Helsinki summit. Anyone else would not have been able to resist at least smirking if not laughing his ass off like a maniac while the Orange Ignoramus defended him and condemned his own country’s intelligence agencies.
I do not pretend to have special powers or insight into Putin’s mind. I just think it’s plain as the nose on his face the amused contempt with which he holds Trump. You can see the sparkle in Putin’s eyes at seeing Trump fawn and toady to him like a puppet clown. I think no-one has so well learned the meaning of what Stalin coined “a useful idiot” than VP.
Whenever I see one, I like to move on it like a bitch. And when you’re the captain, they’ll just let you ram that tip into whatever porthole you want. You can do anything…