This was triggered by a specific request, but I suppose it could apply in a lot of circumstances so feel free to wander to related type requests.
One of the semi-close members of my family (think something like the child of a first cousin) has just launched a big push to raise money for IVF-type treatments so she and her third husband can hopefully have a child ‘of their own’ in order to ‘make them a real family.’ She’s posted about this on the family web page, with figures on how much it will cost, and how it would be do-able if every member of the family contributed just $150 each, and that we should all think of it as our combined birthday/Christmas/New Years/Whatever gift to the couple.
The thing is, well, I really and truly think her having another child is a horrible idea. They already have four children in the blended family, three living with them full time, the forth on alternate weekends. They’re always mooching and complaining about money being short – asking one relative or another to cover this child’s extracurricular or that child’s tutoring or hinting heavily for donations of ‘spare groceries’, or help with school supplies, stuff like that. They’re both working, but her part time and he’s likely barely above minimum wage level. They clearly can’t afford the kids they have now, and they want more?
Plus that ‘make a real family’ just sticks in my craw. According to family gossip, what’s really happening is that their marriage is rocky and she thinks if she has a child with the man, he’ll be more committed to staying with her and helping with her two existing children. Never mind that his two current children didn’t keep him with THAT mother, did they?
She’s in her early forties so success is far from assured, anyway, and her health isn’t perfect either. If it doesn’t work, is she next going to ask for us to fund a second, third, whatever try? For Easter/4th July/Valentine’s Day pressies?
Anyway, I don’t want to donate to this, but how do I word it? I can’t honestly say anything like “Sorry, can’t afford it” because I could, and likely she’d challenge us about our choosing to do some renovations we’re planning but don’t really need. On the other hand, I don’t see a non-intrusive/insulting way to say “Nope, because I don’t think you should do this.” So far I’ve just not made any reply at all to the topic, but she’s unlikely to let it just pass.
So, what to do?