Turning down requests for money, when you just don't think it's a good idea

This was triggered by a specific request, but I suppose it could apply in a lot of circumstances so feel free to wander to related type requests.

One of the semi-close members of my family (think something like the child of a first cousin) has just launched a big push to raise money for IVF-type treatments so she and her third husband can hopefully have a child ‘of their own’ in order to ‘make them a real family.’ She’s posted about this on the family web page, with figures on how much it will cost, and how it would be do-able if every member of the family contributed just $150 each, and that we should all think of it as our combined birthday/Christmas/New Years/Whatever gift to the couple.

The thing is, well, I really and truly think her having another child is a horrible idea. They already have four children in the blended family, three living with them full time, the forth on alternate weekends. They’re always mooching and complaining about money being short – asking one relative or another to cover this child’s extracurricular or that child’s tutoring or hinting heavily for donations of ‘spare groceries’, or help with school supplies, stuff like that. They’re both working, but her part time and he’s likely barely above minimum wage level. They clearly can’t afford the kids they have now, and they want more?

Plus that ‘make a real family’ just sticks in my craw. According to family gossip, what’s really happening is that their marriage is rocky and she thinks if she has a child with the man, he’ll be more committed to staying with her and helping with her two existing children. Never mind that his two current children didn’t keep him with THAT mother, did they?

She’s in her early forties so success is far from assured, anyway, and her health isn’t perfect either. If it doesn’t work, is she next going to ask for us to fund a second, third, whatever try? For Easter/4th July/Valentine’s Day pressies?

Anyway, I don’t want to donate to this, but how do I word it? I can’t honestly say anything like “Sorry, can’t afford it” because I could, and likely she’d challenge us about our choosing to do some renovations we’re planning but don’t really need. On the other hand, I don’t see a non-intrusive/insulting way to say “Nope, because I don’t think you should do this.” So far I’ve just not made any reply at all to the topic, but she’s unlikely to let it just pass.

So, what to do?

“I’m sorry, but we just can’t donate at this time.”

If she asks for a reason, don’t give one. Simply repeat the above.

No reply whatsoever seems perfectly cromulent to me.

If they’re keeping tabs, and come at you directly again, see my previous sentence :wink:

I think ignoring the whole thing is the best strategy. If she asks you directly, then say something generic like you don’t have the money to spare. If she really presses it, say something like you are saving up for a cruise and were hoping that everyone in the family would donate $200. Ask if she’d like to be the first one to make a donation to your cruise fund.

Yeah. Sounds like a bad idea to donate. Like others say just don’t respond.

My neice did this. Got loads of cash from a large extended family. Baby never happened. Explanation was purported to be ‘it didn’t work’.
As I’m not in any family chat/Facebook thingys I never saw the beginning of it all. I heard thru my sister about it.
I never gave, would never give to this kinda thing.

Yeah. Just say no or ignore the whole thing.

“I’m sorry but I’m not going to contribute but best wishes to you and your husband as you try to grow your family.”

Not “I can’t.” “I won’t.” If she thinks you owe her an explanation of why you won’t, you don’t. Don’t worry about her being mad at you about not contributing. No one else is going to contribute either.

Child of a first cousin? Who cares what they think?

“Another child isn’t going to make you a real family if you aren’t already one.”

“The four kids and husband you already have don’t make you a family?”

I don’t really talk much to my cousins, can you tell?

Yeah. The begging for money didn’t work and it was too annoying to return the free money they did get so, “it didn’t work.”

IVF fails to work all the time, for many reasons. That’s really not suspicious at all.

What are the actual consequences of honesty? I like the responses that have said be silent, and if pressed, say I’m not interested in contributing, but good luck! And then, rinse, repeat if it comes up again.

This is like that bridezilla -momzilla?- crap.

There’s always one of those in a family. They ask for wedding costs donations. New baby donations.
We had one who wanted the family to foot the bill for her daughters Sweet 16 party. Ummm. Nope.

If there’s a real health emergency or a funeral expense money I would help. But not the party stuff. And certainly not to have a baby when they have kids already.

This is the perfect reddit Am I the Asshole post. It just kept getting worse and worse.

NTA - I’d just say. “I’m sorry but I can’t support this at this time.” If they press, say that you aren’t comfortable discussing the matter.

I don’t mind being the asshole, if the situation calls for it.

See, there’s your problem right there. It never even occurred to me that my family might have a webpage – if they did, that would be a webpage I’d never visit, that’s for sure. :smiley:

Any child that you are caring for is family. Full stop.

They are having money problems, and want to do an expensive procedure to maybe have another child? At 40 years old? And the marriage is ‘rocky’. This is not going to solve that. Might put the boat right on the reef though.

If you’re having a rough go of it and need $150, no big deal.

Ask this remote relative if you could please have $200 because you’d like to try heroin for the first time because you’ve heard it’s really fun.

Agree with this as the opener. If she really pushes on “why not?” ask her nicely “Are you really, really sure you really want to know?” When she says “yes” (and she 99% probably will), tell her what you put in the OP.

She is irresponsible, the idea of having an additional child is irresponsible, and you will not support her irresponsible way of running her life. In fact you’re highly insulted she would have gall to ask anyone to support this nonsense.

Either way she takes it you won’t have to worry about her requesting anything from you again. IOW, heads you win, tails you win.

Tell her that although you are sympathetic to their plight, there are two sides to this. You won’t support the IVF unconditionally because of human rights violations in Palestine.

“My guru teaches that IVF babies are soulless homunculi and every new manifestation brings us closer to the day their numbers are sufficient to break the seal and allow the bone demons to overwhelm the earth, so I can’t financially support that.”

“You are having momey problems, and your marriage is under stress. So you think the answer is to solicit money for an expensive procedure which, if it works, will increase your money problems and the stress in your marriage? Good luck to you, but I won’t contribute to that.”