If she is polite and respectful, she will accept a simple “No thanks.” If she is not, this reduces any obligation you have to be polite and respectful back.
“They say you can’t put a price on family…and yet here we are.”
I would word it something like this:
"The thing is, well, I really and truly think you having another child is a horrible idea. You already have four children in the blended family, three living with you full time, the forth on alternate weekends. You’re always mooching and complaining about money being short – asking one relative or another to cover this child’s extracurricular or that child’s tutoring or hinting heavily for donations of ‘spare groceries’, or help with school supplies, stuff like that. Both of you are working, but you are part time and your husband likely barely above minimum wage level. You clearly can’t afford the kids you have now, and you want more?
Plus let’s talk about that ‘make a real family’ thing. Word on the street is your marriage is rocky and maybe you think if you have a child with this man, he’ll be more committed to staying with you and helping with your two existing children? I should point out that his two current children didn’t keep him with THAT mother, did they?
You are in your early forties so success is far from assured, anyway, and your health isn’t perfect either. If it doesn’t work, are you going to ask for us to fund a second, third, whatever try? For Easter/4th July/Valentine’s Day pressies?
So basically ‘no’ because I don’t think you should do this."
It’s either that answer or the one with the bone demons.
I’ve had a eyeopener.
Since the request was asked over the family chat, decline over the family chat. Use your opening post as a base message. Add, good luck to the end.
Gotta be easier than saying it to their face.
I just can’t imagine any legitimate, ethical fertility doctor performing IVF or any other procedure for a couple like this in the first place.
“No” is a complete sentence.
Normally, I’d wholeheartedly agree with you. But in this case, I think someone needs to speak the truth on behalf of those poor kids that aren’t a real family.
No part of the decision is up to the doctor except if there were actual health concerns (vs “and her health isn’t perfect either” from the OP).
And rightfully so.
I would think to “disqualify” them from IVF would have to be as stringent a standard as that required to forcibly remove their existing children from their care.
From a social work perspective, yes.
From a medical perspective, there are plenty of medical contraindications to pregnancy that would mean an ethical doctor would not do IVF, but certainly it would not impact her ability to be a good mother to existing children.
Yeah, your fertility doc doesn’t vet you the way an adoption social worker does. They don’t do a home study or give you psych evaluations.
I wish there was a way to anonymously send a link to a thread… (not the first time I’ve wished this. We’ve had a lot of instances of good advice that the OP wouldn’t say to the subject of a thread).
.
Hey, just post a link to this on your “family web site”, and say “Huh, looks like another family’s dealing with the same issue…”
Feel free to use anything I post. What I got to lose?
The first couple I ever knew who had a successful IVF pregnancy (that I know of; do keep in mind that this was about 30 years ago) had to have 8 sessions of marriage counseling before the fertility doctor would do anything.
Imagine a couple coming in, and she has bruises all over her and says, “Maybe a baby will make him stop beating me up.” Yeah, I don’t think so.
Doctors have a right to “fire” patients for any number of reasons. Not vetting patients is how we ended up with the Octomom.
To be fair, at least according to the NYT a few years ago, the Octomom and her kids are doing fine:
I would go with say no, or say nothing. You don’t want to donate for your own very valid reasons, you are also adults and do not owe her an explanation. I would also have an uncomfortable feeling about someone setting up a GoFundMe for IVF and then keeping track of who in the family has or hasn’t donated, and then pestering the non-donators!
My feeling at this point would also be to stop donating to any of their requests, no matter what it’s for.
If her marriage is rocky, it is highly unlikely to survive the IVF hormones. That is an unbelievably difficult process, and I wonder how she will manage to work and care for three children while going through it. Women do not get enough credit for suffering the egg retrieval process.
My policy is never to mix personal business with friendship. It usually ends badly. There are other ways to render financial help. One can help organize a fundraiser, for example, or one can help the person in need find a job.
Times like this I’m happy that my mom and dad were both only children.