Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jill forgot to take the pill
and Jack became a father
I wish I knew whom to credit for this, as it’s not mine:
Mary had a little lamb,
A lobster, and some prunes,
A glass of milk, a pecan pie
and twenty macaroons
It made the naughty waiters grin
to see her order so, and
When they carried Mary out
Her face was white as snow.
Hi-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon
If you dig it now, just drop one more tab
And you’ll be floating like a balloon!
Humpty Dumpty got in a brawl
Got his shell broken, he barely could crawl
All the king’s horses and the king’s men
Took turns with Humpty again and again!
Bobby Shaftoe went to sea
Captain’s cabin boy was he
Brought the captain so much glee
Pretty Bobby Shaftoe!
What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Come into the barn, little girl, and you’ll see
Just what little boys are made of!
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub
And they all had plenty to share!
The gymnast, the skater, the room decorator –
They went all around the celestial equator
'Twas enough to make Jesse Helms stare!
Higglety, pigglety, my black hen
She lays down with gentlemen
Gentlemen pay me every day
Down with my black hen to lay
Sometimes nine, and sometimes ten
Higglety, pigglety, my black hen
Georgie Porgey puddin’ and pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
Do you know McGuffin Man?
McGuffin Man, McGuffin Man?
Do you know McGuffin Man,
Who lives on Drury Lane?
He’s chasing down a Maltese bird
A magic ring, a phoenix turd,
And every plot device that soothes
A lazy writer’s brain
Baa, baa, black sheep
Bet you’re quite a trull!
Yes sir, yes sir,
That’s no bull!
Once with my master,
Twice with my dame,
And a freebie for the little boy
Who lives down the lane!
Here’s an old one from Mad magazine:
There was a crooked man
And he had a crooked laugh
And he ran a crooked office
And he hired a crooked staff
He served a crooked term
And he did a crooked job
And rammed a lot of crooked bills through
For a crooked local mob
Why back the crooked man
When his crooked ways you see?
Because the rival candidate
Is crookeder than he!
Fiddle de dee, fiddle de dee
The fly has married the bumblebee
The race-mixing shits
Soon hung from a tree
We keep our bloodlines pure as can be!
I do not love thee, Dr. Fell
The charts mixed up, now I’m a belle
And on the street my ass I sell
I do not love thee, Dr. Fell
Snoop Doggy Dogg performs ‘This Ol’ Man"
This ol’ man, he played one
He played knick-knack on my thumb
Wit’ a knick-knack, paddywhack
Give a Dogg a … BONE.
This ol’ man came rollin’ home. (uh-huh, uh-huh)
This ol’ man, he played two
He played knick-knack wit’ my shoe
Wit’ a knick-knack, booty-whack
Loop and a… PASS.
This ol’ man betta watch his ass. (hell, yeah!)
This ol’ man, he played three
… lost his mind and he tried to play ME
So took my backhand, made sure I clipped him
Took out my nine then I pistol-whipped him.
Flipped him over, stomped his throat
Cryin and bleedin… it was all he wrote
Knack-knick wit’ an ass kick booty whack paddy
Tell me ol’ man… who’s your daddy?
This old man, his day is finished
Ran him outta Dodge with his clout diminished
Wit a knick-knack, fatty-whack,
Punks screamin’ "Truce!
Snoop Dogg got the juice.
Little King Pippin, he built a great hall
Pie-crust and pastry-crust, that was the wall
The birds and the cockroaches turned his hall brown
And his mad, inbred dynasty came tumbling down!
One moisty, misty morning,
When cloudy was the weather,
I chanced to meet an old man
Clothed all in leather
He offered me some candy,
Rubbed his balls against my chin,
Saying, “Take it all, bitch!”
And “Take it all, bitch!”
And “Take it all, bitch” again!
If I had a donkey
That wouldn’t go
Do you think I’d beat him?
Oh, no, no!
I’d place a call
To a man I know,
And to dogfood and glue
My donkey would go
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all in a row.
**"This breaking news. **
Police have been summon to the home of a woman named Mary, last name unknown, where gardeners hired by her have found what purports to be *several human skeletons * buried in neatly in a row.
The gardners had been told to avoid the areas that had been marked off with bells and seashells, but had inadvertently dug there when the shells & bells had been covered up by newly laid compose.
Police suspect that the remains are of several missing young Gooseland women, who were previously thought to be victims of the Huff-n-Puff/Three Little Pigs killer. " :eek:
Sir Mix A Lot could totally sing this.
Roughly to the tune of “My Hooptie.”
There was a crooked man
Who led a crooked life
He made crooked love
To another crook’s wife
Nailed her little crooked ass
Against the crooked wall
And the crooked carpet floor
And the crooked long hall
Did nasty crooked business
On the crooked hall stair
Her crooked little toes
Curled in the crooked air
Now crooked rumors flew
To the first crook’s ear
The crooked man knew
Time to crooked disappear
He crookedly schemed
For a wad of crooked loot
He bought a crooked gun
And a crooked-zoot suit
Drove a crooked-out car
Going crooked “bye-bye!”
Cuz the other crooked man
Paid a crooked drive-by
So a crooked hit-crew
Caught the crooked man’s trail
His few crooked options
Were crooked as hell
They had crooked-ass guns
In their crooked crook laps
And crooked AKs
Won in crooked games of craps
He said, Crook this
And crooked by the road
Laid crooked dynamite
To crookedly explode
He was crooked and nervous
Running out of crooked time
He give crooked service
Crooked life on the line
Soon the crooked hit crew
Came into crooked sight
Crooked trigger went "Boom!
Goes the crooked dynamite.
The crooked man escaped
Singing this crooked song:
“Crooked bitches ain’t worth
All this crooked ass to bone!
All this crooked ass to bone!
Al this ass to bone!
Crook crook crook crooked
All this crooked ass to bone!”
Diddle diddle dumpling, last night’s John
Came to bed with his trousers on
Trousers off, and condom on
Diddle diddle humping last night’s John
This was from MAD Magazine - I can’t remember if it was Violent Mother Goose or Physical Fitness Mother Goose, cuz it contains a bit of both:
Little Jack Horner
While rounding a corner
Is met by a mugger who states
“Hand over your cash,
Or your head I will smash!”
Which is not the most pleasant of fates
Little Jack Horner
Takes off from the corner
In hopes of outracing disaster
But though he’s in shape
He won’t make his excape
'Cause the mugger’s a runner … but faster
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said “F**k him, He’s only an egg.”
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it’s ass
and turned it’s wool to nylon
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
to have little fun.
Jill, that dill, forgot her pill
and now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Mary Mary, quite contrary,
how does your garden grow?
With silverbells and cockleshells
and one f**king petunia.
There once was a girl with a strawberry curl
right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good, she was very, very good
and when she was bad she made $500 a night.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often
Mary had a little lamb
It used to jump so high
It jumped into a butcher’s shop
and now it’s in a pie.
Slit their throats and drink their blood,
Drink their blood,
Drink their blood,
Slit their throats and drink their blood,
My dear lady.