The Jello Pit is swiftly dispatched by releasing the School Lunchroom Ladies, but Bear’s dreaded Nishahara Offensive knocks me back on my heels!
Bear_Nenno attacks with Green! I counter with Orange Plaid! We clash violently!
And then, when all seems lost, with my last ounce of strength I draw out Barry Manilow’s Copacabana. A desparate ploy, to be sure, but will it be enough? No!
But wait! It’s thinksnow to the rescue with Dueling Banjos! A close shave! I crawl away, bloodied yet resolved to fight again…
I was not going to do this, but I guess you’ve forced me to… Dueling Banjos, as performed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra was trecherous. But no where near as destructive as:
IT
Not only will IT revolutionize the world, cities, and life as we know it. It kicks some serious rochambo ass!!!
The sinking dread in my heart when faced with IT reminds me of the day my training brother, Runs-With-Scissors, fell before the might of the legendary Rochamboka Otto Titzling and his infamous Difficult-to-Remove Brassiere assault.
What can possibly defeat IT? My mind, trained to near perfect concentration by years of fasting and watching daytime television, searches for the answer in the milliseconds remaining to me.
At last I am rewarded with a vision of the Buddah, who instructs me to strike to the heart of the matter in response. Many onlookers faint or clutch their chests in shock when I unleash the legendary Monkeys Flying Out of My Butt!!!
A triumph indeed, you may kneel before me as I pruduce:
The Straight Dope Rosetta Stone.
Carved into the dark, powerful rock are threads that, when deciphered, will make the skies part and birds sing. Leftmost is How to kill evil Nazi Groundhogs. Centered is the (in-)famous Guy Stuff.
And, to the right, you’ll be faced with as yet incomplete Threadkillers 2001!.
And cykrider rides in to save the day! “Here Bear_Nenno, take this! [hands him 3 pills.] It’s called Zoloft, watch I’ll down 5 with this bottle Bacardi, yumm!” Nothing will bother us now! In fact I’ll counter with a massive radioactive…ah screw it, nevermind, I could actually careless.
Truly The Straight Dope Rosetta Stone seems an unassailable throw from a master Rochamboka.
But the spirit is never darkened, so long as hope survives.
Therefore, with all of the power of the Three Mystic Masters of Manchuria, I batter you with concepts that even the SDRS cannot cogitate:
Parking on the Driveway but Driving on the Parkway! The Time at Which a Building Becomes a Built! Milk Coming out of Laughing Cows’ Noses!
And, most devastating of all:
’Several Species of Small, furry animals in a cave and grooving with a Pict’, by Pink Floyd is entirely disrupted by A Confetti-Like Cloud of Timothy Leary Portrait-Emblazoned Blotter Acid!!! Paper wraps Rock. In this case, classic rock.
As I reenter the ring, I witness the carnage all around me. In an attempt to draw attention away from myself I quickly toss out ZIGFREID AND ROY’S LAS VAGAS STAGE SHOW. While I realize that nothing really happens, it least it looks like something does.
As you all stop and stare, a communal “AAAAHHHHHHHH” coming from your mouths, I attack with CAPTAIN KAGAROO.
That should regress you all to a child like state long enough for me to plot the next attack.
And I return your attack with a craftily crafted Hong Kong Phooey!!!
Sing it now!
Hong Kong Phooey, number one super guy.
Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.
He’s got style, a groovy style, and a car that just won’t stop.
When the going gets rough, he’s super tough, with a Hong Kong Phooey chop!
OH Scupper, that really hurt. The Pufenstuff to my Kangaroo, followed by the Phooey. Man that was devastating.
But I am not out of it yet, scrambling quickly behind a column to avoid most of the fall out, I deploy Tribbles from the origial Star Trek series, followed quickly by “PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE”!
the Tao of Pooh, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, and Tribbles are soon outbumbered and sorely defeated by my Indefatigable Kids That Don’t Give The Rabbit Trix Cereal.
And for my attack, I ::ergh, strain:: lug out my Super Grande Economy-Size Bottle of WD-40!
