Help me out here, guys and gals. My boyfriend and I don’t see eye to eye on a few issues related to jealousy. For example, is it inappropriate for me to see a male ob/gyn or massage therapist? Might they be ‘enjoying’ their job too much (as concerns my guy), or should I even care if they enjoy it (which I’m not inclined to do)? I want to respect his feelings, but I’m feeling a bit oppressed. No, it’s not a great debate, but perhaps others have struggled with the issue. Care to weigh in, anyone? Thanks …
Massage I would be slightly dubious about - although it maybe depends whether you’re just having it to relax, or for real physical benefit. As for being concerned about a male gyn., tell your boyfriend he’s being a moron. In the nicest possible way
I may not be of much assistance, because I have relegated jealousy out of my life as much as possible.
However, if I were your boyfriend, my jealousy would be more targeted to where you place YOUR attentions, and not so much on whom gives you attention. Frankly, I would find it reassuring to know that other men (or women) found my girlfriend attractive. In the end, it comes down to trust. And I suspect people that have trouble with jealousy also have trouble trusting others.
If you spent your days (or worse, nights) talking about how wonderful the hand techniques of your massage therapist or OB/GYN, I would understand his jealousy. Short of that, it sounds like an extreme amount of jealousy, approaching that of a control freak, which will cause all kinds of long term problems.
What exactly is bothering your boyfriend? Is it the thought of other men touching your body? I feel a little silly pointing out that pelvic exams and therapeutic massages are not sexual activities, as this seems obvious to me, and the settings in which they occur can hardly be considered sexy.
If it is their possible sexual attraction to you that bothers him, this is not something he, or you, can control. What if your dentist has a thing about teeth, or your podiatrist is a foot fetishist? What if the car mechanic finds you sexy, and therefore enjoys his job too much? Or for that matter, what if your OB/GYN or masseuse is a lesbian?
I agree with AZCowboy: it’s YOUR actions that are important. I can sort of understand getting jealous because other people find you attractive and might possibly try to take you away. However, actually trying to shield you from other people’s thoughts seems irrational and controlling to me.
He’s explained that he thinks that such intimacies as looking at my body, or touching it, should be kept inside the confines of our relationship. I agree, but think that the context of massage or health care are indeed well outside those confines already – I think that anyone who has ever had their feet in stirrups would know how absolutely un-sexy a gyn exam is! I’m a devoted, one-man woman, and find my boyfriend utterly appealing and attractive. I’m just not sure how to find a middle ground on this.
How long have you been seeing your boyfriend versus how long have you been seeing your gyno or massage therapist? If you don’t actively have care workers, it can’t be that hard to find female ones when the time comes. If you already had a gyno before, I say stay with the doctor and he just has to deal with it. It isn’t like you go there all that often anyway (if you’re average, it’s once a year). Compromise by giving up the massage therapist if you already have one, because those workers do see you more often and the line between sexual contact is more blurry.
Are you and your boyfriend the same culture? In my own circle of friends, a difference in culture would most often result in such a situation.
If he isn’t willing to compromise as stated above, you could have a control freak on your hands. Walk with caution. Your said you are feeling oppressed - your gut instincts are usually right. Having an attractive boyfriend is not worth giving up your freedom.
I’ve been in controlling relationships before, and I suspect that I’m on “high alert” in this one; I don’t want to hold the sins of past boyfriends against this one, who in so, so many respects is a wonderful match for me. His stance is that he is simply communicating with me that certain things bother him, and is not trying to control my behavior. Perhaps I am the one with the problem – that of feeling oppressed when it’s not warranted?
If you have a history of controlling relationships, you do need to be careful, because people will often pick the same type of person again and again. Doesn’t mean that you need to go overboard, but be careful. A couple of thoughts: male ob/gyn and massage therapists are professionals, or should be. You shouldn’t be seeing oneone who crosses any boundries, and you would know what they are.
Offhand, I would say the difference between controlling behavior and communicating issues is how you discuss it, where the discussion leads to and trust. Example: he says that he’s concerned about physical contact by males, you point out that they are professionals and that you wouldn’t let it get out of hand. He then trusts you. If he doesn’t let it go and continues bringing this up, then he’s not simply airing concerns, he’s trying to control you.
I disagree with trying to find a female ob/gyn. You should find a doctor you’re comfortable with. Period. If that means same sex, so be it. If that means excellent reputation, location, or anything else, you should go to the doctor who fills the bill. It sounds like your boyfriend would rather see you receive inferior (or inconvenient or expensive…) healthcare as long as you play into his insecurities. Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!
As far as massage goes, that’s your call as well. If he has a problem with it, maybe it’s him that should think about changing his ways…not you!
I would be a bit on high alert with this, myself. I’ve never conceived of someone having a problem with his SO seeing a doctor of the opposite sex. You might reassure him that a gyn exam is about as exciting as having your teeth cleaned, and about as sexual. And also reassure him that finding a gyn you’re comfortable with is much more important than finding one of the correct gender. Plus, male doctors tend to be way more cautious. I’ve never had a male doctor in the room when I was without clothes without also having a female nurse there, too.
Does that mean he would only go to a male doctor for any physical ailments he has? Where does it stop? Can you have your heart rate tested with a stethoscope by a man, since it involves him having his hand near your breast?
As a very jealous husband of a very jealous wife, I think that we need to separate two issues. There is a world of difference between your doctor and a masseuse. It can be argued that there is still a disparity in gender in the OB field, and frankly, you’d rather have a competent male doctor that you feel comfortable with than search for a female one that may or not be compatible with you.
The massage seems to me to be an activity where you have a lot more say in where you go and who touches you, as well as being a much less of a ‘need’ than it is a want. I love my wife, and I don’t mind that other people find her sexy/ beautiful (actually, I find it flattering), but I am not a touchy person, and would not like it if she actively sought physical contact with another man.
Perhaps if you attempted a female massage, and explained the issues regarding finding the right OB/Gyn to your SO, you’d both be happy?
Quite frankly, I find your boyfriend’s attitude to be completely unreasonable. If it was me, I would be offended and angry. I trust my doctors to be completely professional, and the implication that they’re getting their rocks off by giving me a medical examination is just mind-boggling. If I suspected that they actually were enjoying themselves, I would no longer be comfortable seeing that doctor.
It’s never even occured to me to suggest to my partner that he should only see male doctors in case a female doctor finds him attractive or enjoys his exam too much.
I find this level of jealousy to be unacceptable, and I wouldn’t humour him. What if he decides next that your female ob/gyn might be a lesbian or bisexual and thus enjoying examining you too much? Do you cease to have pap smears in order to appease him? I can tell you that if it came down to it, then I wouldn’t be very understanding of the person who made me choose between my health and his ego. Your boyfriend may or may not be a control freak, but he’s got some serious insecurity issues and he needs to work on them.
First of all, if you have muscle strains/pains, or stress, a therapeutic massage is very much a need! And it isn’t any dodgier than a pelvic exam. Both are services rendered by a professional. A masseuse isn’t just running his hands over a person’s body - he is applying very specific techniques and does not venture beyond professional bounds, or he will very definitely get fired at the very least. I’ve given massages, and they are hard work, not fun.
A woman going to a massage therapist is not actively seeking physical contact with a man. She wants her muscles worked on. Nothing more.
I am not a counselor, nor a therapist, nor a psychiatrist, but I would listen to my gut instincts, if I were you.
He is feeling threatened by men who are no threat to him. This isn’t rational. Again, IANAC/T/P, but I still think that he needs to work on these jealousy issues and learn to trust you.
He says he isn’t trying to control your behavior, but what is he trying to accomplish by telling you of his fears? If he is merely looking for reassurance that you won’t welcome advances from your OB?GYN or masseuse (an absurd scenario), or is he hoping you will take the hint and oblige him? What will he do if you refuse?
Please, please, please, don’t get into this mindset. Your thoughts and feelings are just as important as his.
This does seem unreasonably jealous. My husband once went with me to the ER when I thought I was having a miscarraige, and found he was more uncomfortable with the male ER doctor doing an internal exam than my female OB/GYN (he’d also accompanied me to an OB visit where I had an internal exam).
However, his response was “Ew, I didn’t enjoy seeing that”, which is reasonable-- not “You can’t ever have a male doctor do an exam on you again”, which isn’t. He realizes that it is unpleasant for me as well (I don’t know if it is true of everyone, but for me, vaginal exams are very painful), but it’s just a necessity. I think he’d prefer it if I had a female OB, but since I said I don’t really have a preference, the issue stopped there. We ended up having to switch insurance plans and I ended up with a male OB for delivery, and he never raised any objection.
I don’t understand jealousy at all. I don’t even understand why your boyfriend would get all bent out of shape if you were having sex with other guys (and/or gals) although I’ve come to accept that most of the world is sexually possessive like that (poor world!) but this is just downright pathological.
Tell him to get over it and never again raise the subject. Tell him this is totally unacceptable and you aren’t going to have this conversation, not now, not ever.
Christ on a Cracker, children…could we tone down the histrionics a little bit?
It gets sort of old when someone feels the need to vent or seek advice on a relationship issue, and the rogue’s gallery pops out with ‘leave the bum! he’s not the boss of you! don’t take any of that shit! crucify him, crucify him!’ (okay, just kidding on that last one.)
Jealousy happens, just like a million other incompatibilities within a relationship. I can’t say whether the OP’s SO is a total dickhead or not, but one issue does not have to break up a relationship. I am a very jealous husband…but guess what? I married a very jealous woman, so we’re okay. We disagree on other things though, and you know what? We talk them out, and either compromise or agree to disagree. Usually, we compromise.
Anyway, nobody thinks that they are crazy. I’m sure he’s got reasons for the way he thinks, as do you. Like I said, I think it’d be helpful to separate the two issues (massage and doctors visits) for the sake of advancing the dialog between the OP and her SO. That’s my advice as a guy who sees where he might be coming from. Doesn’t mean that he is not actually crazy, but I have to believe that all things being equal, he’s not horrible, or else the OP should have said so.
In my opinion, if he is worried about you seeing a male OB-GYN then he is overly insecure and you will have problems in the future. Run away, run away fast.
First, thanks to all of you who replied and helped me to understand my SOs behavior and attitudes a little better. I tried to understand why he wouldn’t want me touched by a male massage therapist, or why he wouldn’t want me to, as he put it, “spread my legs for another man” during an OB/GYN visit. But I could only feel controlled and as though he didn’t trust me. Today, though, he got upset, truly upset, because I spread mulch in my back yard without inviting him – I should have known that he would have wanted to help, and do I just not ‘get it’?
So, thank you all for helping me to see controlling behavior for what it is. I am grateful for the support I got on this site.
