Thank you for doing the right thing. Broomstick and Steelerphan have already given the advice I’d have given you. Then again, knowing those two, I’m not surprised.
CJ
This guy (obviously) sounds like a total dick.
But I did want to point out that 17/22 is not that bad. When I was 17, I started dating New & Improved Scott, then 22. 3 1/2 years later, we’re still together. On the other hand, we were attending the same school, had the same group of friends, similar interests etc.
And he was not out for an easy lay. If that is, indeed, what he was going for, he’s put up with a lot of shit so far to get it 
At this point in the conversation, of course, Dr. Laura would have you executed.
Morgs, at this stage perhaps the only thing more you ought to do is drum into her the importance of contraception.
qts - oh yes indeed (!)
Oh, and no offence to all you lovely types out there who had relationships with older guys/girls in your mid/late teens. I don’t take issue with you, I just thought citing the age difference would be a good way to introduce my point. If any of you met this girl you’d understand why, but there’s a tendency for older guys to try to pick her up. Most of them are arseholes (to me this is almost by definition) and they’ve come as old as their early thirties.
It’s not as if she’s just not interested in guys her own age… they’re just kinda scared of her because she’s constantly surrounded by older men. Sort of anti-competitive, I guess.
As for living with my girlfriend, it’s not like we’re humping or anything.
Someone needs to be impaled by a tuna. An iron tuna. With spines. With a stomach full of sulphuric acid.
Get one of those small tape recorders that people use for recording memos etc, and take Mr. Prick out to the pub (pick a quiet one with a beer garden where there won’t be too much background noise). It’s summer now, so sitting outside shouldn’t arouse suspicion. Get a couple in him and start the tape rolling. Play up his ego a little so he gives more info. Then confront him with all present. He’ll deny it and accuse you of making it up for some reason. Watch his face as you pull out the recording and expose him for the lying sack of shit he is. Make copies and forward to every female he knows.
Hopefully this will work. Of course, there’s a chance that she’ll just see this as further meddling. Teenage girls can be funny that way.
He sounds like a relationship guy to me, and one that originally had a more prolonged interest in your cousin. She said or did something that wounded his pride in your eyes, from his point of view. To save face, he downplays his interest by claiming he only wants a fling.
I mean, were you serious that he was in a four year relationship? Not many tomcats tie themselves down with a heavy relationship from age 18 to age 22…those are prime scoring years.
Regarding the cell phone breakup, they could have been on rocky terms for the last six months, and it just came to a head. Who knows.
I think there’s more to this than the side you are presenting. Even if I’m way off, I cannot reconcile a cad being in a four year relationship.
Men (especially boys) posture around other men. Is it even remotely possible that the side he shows your cousin is more honest than the side he shows you?
Does the no saying “I told you so” part apply when the person who would not listen to you starts whining about what happened and expect you to listen to it? I need to figure out what the correct etiquette is for this type of situation. Normally I would respond, “You wouldn’t listen to anyone so shut the hell up and stop bitching about it”, but that sometimes does not go over very well for some reason.
Main thing I want to express here is that he is in no way forcing her to do anything she doesn’t want to do… he’s simply tricking her into doing something she wouldn’t have wanted to do.
The horror of seduction is that it’s often painfully obvious to the onlooker, and finding a means of warning her seems as distant as it ever has.
Oh, and when you’ve been in a relationship for four years, no matter how ‘rocky’… you don’t break it off the second you set eyes on some minor you’d like to bang. This was not a case of ‘darling, I’ve met somebody and we seem to have a good rapport, I think we need to talk’. It was ‘perky tits off the starboard bow, all hands on deck for operation jailbait!’. Usually when a four year relationship is lost in favour of having known somebody for an hour or so, any concern is entirely justifiable.
All of the above is IMO, of course. Thing is he’s got her thinking he’s in there to do the hard yards. Hard coupla inches is more fucking like it.
I’m going to take a wild guess and assume you’re male.
Aside from “I told you so” being a jab for any age and gender, some of the don’t say I told you so has to do with young women.
Just as young men are driven to, more or less, fuck everything that will stand still long enough and are focused on sex, young women are driven to forming relationships, preferably long term, and investing a lot of emotion into those relationships. A very simplified way of seeing this is that young men are driven to father children and young women are driven to building a nest and raising children. Yes, yes, there are lots of exceptions, but just as the drive to screw everything can get a young man into a lot of trouble, the drive to form deep, lasting relationships with people she doesn’t know well, the drive to make it work (even when it shouldn’t) can get a young woman into a lot of trouble.
At nineteen, this young girl is awash in hormones AND less experienced in the world than, say, a woman such as myself. If, for example, a man displays certain types of behavior I, as an older woman, will know to be suspicious. As a younger woman I did not and yes, I made some poor choices at 16-21. Men complain they don’t understand women - well, women frequently don’t understand men, either. What is blindingly obvious to one the other is oblivious to. Only time and experience teaches you about the other gender. Such experience is often painful on both sides.
So, tell me, The Long Road, if a young man made a poor choice of girlfriend and she kicked him in the balls, leaving him limping for a week, would you call his complaints “whining and bitching”? Even if you had warned him she was a castrating bitch, would you berate the young man while he was still applying ice packs? Wouldn’t that be just a little crash and insensitive? Sure, the next time he starts heading towards the same mistake nudge him and remind him of the last time, but would you really tell him to shut the hell up?
If this guy is out to just lay her and leave her, he’s setting up to delibrately hurt her, to use her drives against her. He’s setting out to delibrately deceive her, and will probably be pushing all the right buttons to get what he wants. He may not understand why what he does works, but he’ll use every tool in the box to reel her in and keep her unaware of his true purpose. When the shit hits the fan it is going to be very intensely painful to her. Granted it’s not physical pain, but it will hurt her. And that’s why the shut the hell up approach doesn’t work well - you’re just hurting her more. It would be like having that young man with the bruised balls limp into the room and you smack hard enough to knock him down.
The proper etiquette? Let her rant and rave for a bit. When women do this it’s their way, so to speak, of huddling into a fetal position and moaning for a bit until the worst of the pain abates. Men often mistake this sort of tirade as the laying out of a problem and a request for assistance in solving it - at which point they start complaining but she wouldn’t listen to me!. I understand you want to hit her over the head with a clue by four, but when the pain is raw is not the time to do it.
When is the time to do it? After she has a good cry tell her to wash her face, offer her a cup of coffee (or whatever seems appropriate) and tell her you’re sorry some men are such complete assholes. THEN, gently remind her that you tried to warn her because you didn’t want to see her hurt like this. Remind her that what motivates young men is not always the same as what motivates young women. Remind her that some people are just evil assholes. Ask her to please listen to you next time.
Is it as satisfying as a rousing “I TOLD YOU SO!!” Well, no. But assuming you care about the woman in question it’s a hell of a lot kinder.
Just in case I chanced to have gotten it wrong at any stage, I’d just like to clarify that the girl is seventeen, not nineteen. Whole different can of worms then, huh?
Oh and good point about ‘I told you so’(s) being sort of viscerally satisfying. In this case, however, my satisfaction will not be had at the expense of the girl. Suffice to say this man has been warned. Repeatedly.
OH NO WHAT A FILTHY CUNT FIND THE NEAREST TREE FROM WHICH TO STRING HIM UP
Charm frequently IS used by cads. This only makes things difficult for nice guys who use charm legitmately.
The evil uses of “charm” can be seen in the stereotypical abuser who beats the living shit out of a woman, then comes around the next day with apologies and gifts, and does nice things to “make it up to her”.
Why do women stay with such assholes? Can’t help but think biology ties into it somewhat. That “nesting drive” we women have prompts us to seek a good provider and strong defender for when we’re busy having children. The wife abuser may not be aware of why what he does works, but it does. Such men are usually quite charming and lavish with gifts (they come across as good providers). Then he beats the living shit out of her (he’s certainly strong - if she can make him an ally he’d be a good defender). The next day he comes back around with gifts (that good provider thing again) and apologies, listens to her, and swears to make it up to her (and he’s sensitive, too! He listens to her! Well, not really but he seems to… which ties into her need to form and maintain long-term relationships)
I realize that men have trouble understanding how this works, because they aren’t women. I’m a woman, and frankly, I have a great deal of trouble figuring out why a scantily attired woman moving her hips causing men’s intelligence to drop into the single digits and prompts them to do stupid and dangerous stuff, but there it is. She’s pushing their hot bottons, saying “I’m hot, horny, available, and super-fertile - you can plant your seed in all this if you do X, Y, and Z”. Yes, men are capable of resisting this, provided they figure out they’re being duped, but she’s not communicating on an intellectual level but a biological one. Ditto for the good guy/bad guy actions of a classic spouse abuser.
Young adults just don’t have the experience (in most cases) to recognize when their own biological drives are being used against them. Hell, a lot of older adults can’t get a grip on this.
So what you’re doing is changing the situation to make it sound more sympathetic. Let’s put this back on track. Let’s say I know a male was being chased by a female because he has money and I know this for sure because the female told me. I told the person’s brother who also tried to warn him of it but the guy doesn’t believe us and thinks “we’re interfering”. We’ll, if he then gets dumped after being used for his money and comes around “whining and bitching” about it, he is going to get no end of shit for it.
Now, if some person, male or female, gets blind-sided by some asshole they are involved with, that is a completely different story. Please, feel free to bitch and complain about it and I’ll listen. In fact I have to do so often as I have numerous sisters and sister-in-laws. Really, if you are going to start turning this into a gender issue, please at least keep the issue the same as the OP and not go changing it. Is that really too much to ask?
Maybe you, The Long Road, would want to bitch-slap a man who got taken to the cleaners by a gold digger but I, personally, would not enjoy doing so. The only thing you get by giving a victim “shit for it” is a boost to your own ego. It does jack to help the person who got taken.
People who do bad things of this sort are con artists. You are only a successful con artist if you are a good liar and good at exploiting peoples’ better natures.
Yeah, I’ve seen gold-digger women in action - they dress like sluts, they have the bic lighter out to light his cigarette before he even has to ask, they praise him, flatter him, and no doubt give him blow jobs at every opportunity. It feels good to believe the bitch, be waited on hand and foot, and get oral sex on a daily basis. Of course he wants to believe it’s true. She’s pushing all the right buttons to get his glands to blind his reason.
That’s the problem with giving these victims warnings - you’re appealing to their reason, but their victimizers are appealing to their emotions and biology. You’re reasoned arguments are outvoted.
I wasn’t changing the issue, I was making an analogy. Young women do get taken by men on these issues, in this manner. That’s why these creeps go after young women - they haven’t got the experience to over-ride their emotions.
That is because you are not male.
No matter how many years of experience you accumulate, you will never get under the hood of the male psyche. Giving the pre-warned fool shit for ignoring the warnings is normal and expected male behavior. It is not about boosting your own ego; it is about getting a whiny little punk to shut the fuck up. We males find whining irritating as hell, and fully expect zero whining from all males we know. We get enough from the women folk.
See, many a guy would regard this situation as “but damn did she give good blowjobs.” As in, not a bad lesson to learn. In fact, sign me up for that lesson.
So dumping a girl after a one-nighter is equivalent to which: kicking a guy in the nuts, or taking his money after giving him blowjobs? I’m confused.
And my apologies, morgs, I was unaware that you knew all the details regarding this guy’s previous relationship. Clearly you have ascertained that there were no extenuating circumstances, such as maybe he found out his ex was cheating on him that morning, or that she threw him out a month before but he was still trying to patch things up and finally gave up. As long as you say you know everything there is to know about this guy, that’s good enough for me.
According to AgeOfConsent.com, 17 years old is perfectly legal in all Australian states. Immoral yes, illegal no.
Immoral for a 22 year old to pursue? I agree that 22 is getting a bit old for 17 year olds, but I wouldn’t go far as to label all 22-17 unions immoral.
Why immoral? 17 year old girls and boys are old enough to know what they getting into, IMO.
Jervoise
(Eek, most of my relationships have been with people more than 5 years older than me.)