John, my friend who is close to “popping some bitch’s cherry”: I pit you

The BBQ Pit
1

John, you told me in our quasi-drunken state last night that you have been seeing a girl for a few weeks, and that you’ve made out with her, had her suck your dick, etc. And then you told me that you’re now not that far from “popping the bitch’s cherry.” Congratulations, John…you FUCKING ASSHOLE. Anytime you give me a vividly romantic description such as that about the girls you are seeing, I only think of one thing: the girls that I know from church, who I am 90% sure are still virgins. John, I know you’re proud of your ability to manipulate a girl into settling for spending her first time with a scumbag such as you, rather than a guy who she actually enjoys being around and with which she enjoys friendship and companionship. Instead of wearing that as a badge of honor, why don’t you try wearing something else as a badge of honor, such as your volunteer work or the honorable way that you treat your family. There are three things required for a good relationship with someone: 1) friendship, 2) romantic interest, and 3) sexual attraction. From what I’ve gathered, every relationship you’ve ever had has only had the third element involved. I’ve heard you use the word “pussy” many a time when you refer to these girls, but never a word about how you enjoy being around them or any of the common interests that you share with them. And when you refer to the girl as a bitch, that only further reinforces my belief that you only care about the third element.

There are many ways for you to be fulfilled as a human being (such as volunteer work or the honoring of your family that I mentioned above). But trying to be fulfilled by getting drunk all the time, smoking weed, and screwing as many girls as possible, with such immoral, reckless disregard for their worth as people, will only leave you unfulfilled.

I wish you’d at least, for just a second, put a human face on each of the girls that you are doing this to. Every time you have one of these escapades, the girl finds out shortly after that your personality does not hold up to what she was hoping for. Actually, now that I mention that, something good might come out of all of this when you finally do deflower this girl. It may turn her off to sex with people like you, and may make her realize that sex should be reserved to between people who actually enjoy being around each other. She may say she wants to have sex with you, but I’m highly dubious about what she wants deep down. Even though I’ve never even met this girl, I already feel the need to protect her from your trap that other girls have fallen prey to.

You may not agree with my morals. That’s fine, John. But I don’t need to hear about each of these girls. It’s depressing. One is supposed to hate immoral acts, rather than immoral people. Right now, John, I am having trouble not hating you as a person. Not telling me about your flings would help to alleviate this problem and help our friendship go more smoothly.

I am thinking of delivering the above rant to my friend John. Maybe some of you know similar people. What do you Dopers do about people such as this? It doesn’t have to be exactly what I described above. It can just be a person whose morals you disagree with, and from which you are sick of hearing about their behavior. I realize that this paragraph makes the thread a poll of sorts, but obviously it’s in the BBQ pit because of the venting I did above.

2

I don’t remain friends with them.

Seriously. If this guy is such a dick, drop him. You don’t have to hate him but you don’t have to hang with him either.

3

Tell the girl.

Drop the John. Or, if you don’t, tell the next girl. And the next. And so on.

4

You don’t have to say a word to the guy, Engineer Dude. merely look upon the drunken conversation as being the “warning signal you needed to hear” - that is, I suspect you’ve already had your doubts about the quality of friend he really is - and he merely confirmed your suspicions.

No need to make a fuss. Merely move on, and whenever he tries to catch up with you in the future, always have something “really busy” on your plate. He’ll get the hint eventually.

Don’t contact the girl - that would be overstepping the mark. And don’t give the guy your big rant that you shared with us above. It’ll go way over his head and you’ll only look like your preaching to him like some goody two shoes. Nah, don’t say a word, and simply move on.

5

I’d just like to add to also remember that the girls are responsible for their own actions too. Whilst they may not realise that he is merely trying to have sex with them with no intention of a longer term commitment and they may be virgins, if they decide to go through with it, it is their decision (coersion aside).

6

Females are responsible for their own actions, but they make their decisions based upon what they see. If John tells the girl, “I wanna pop your cherry, bitch,” and she says OK, yeah, her problem. But I doubt that’s the case.

People like John are just plain scum, and their selfishness will eventually get in the way of anything. You can’t be friends with someone like that, not really, as they don’t have respect for other people. He may not be using you for sex, but odds are good he’d use you for something if he got the chance.

7

The guy’s an asshole and I have no idea why you are still hanging around with him. You can show your disapproval without being preachy, by simply telling him he is an asshole. Sometimes the most effective way to get a person to have a second look at their behaviour is to have disapproval and rejection from their friends.

8

If John is lying and being misleading to get into these girls’ pants, then he is indeed a complete asshole. And bragging about his sexual conquests, while using demeaning language to describe the girls, qualifies as assholery as well.

But I don’t know about these statements:

To me, there’s nothing wrong with casual sex (given informed consent, precautions against disease/pregnancy, etc etc etc). I don’t think sex is, for lack of a better word, a sacred act, and using the term “deflower” to describe a girl (not a guy) losing her virginity seems chauvinistic. But it seems you are religious, and feel differently. Anway, you asked for opinions.

9

You really need to communicate all this to him, especially if you drop him as a friend. Otherwise he’ll never know why, and go on tripping merrily through people’s lives thinking it’s okay. Here’s his nice, upstanding friend listening to him (you) and you’re thinking of saying nothing? You owe it to both him and his future girlfriends to let him know his behavior is uncool.

Amazingly, a lot of people who are assholes have no idea that they are assholes, and it might be because nobody ever told them. Change is possible but requires some self-knowledge.

10

I agree, he is a wanker for misleading the girl, if that is actually what is happening. If it is, he may cause her undue upset and stress for misleading her, however, girls still need to take responsibility for their actions, even if they are coerced into having sex.
Also, don’t assume that girls don’t want sex too or that they are too dumb to know that the guy is trying to manipulate them.

11

I agree that girls are responsible for their own actions but speaking from my own experience when I was a teenager, girls can be really, really stupid about these kinds of things.

Until they’ve been burned a few times, girls really can be as naiive as the OP is describing them. And somehow, I doubt John is calling them bitches or pussies to their faces. :rolleyes: In fact, I bet he’s a perfect gentleman. Until he gets what he wants.

Anyhow, I think you should drop John. Ever heard the saying “you are who you hang with”? You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. Once word gets around about John (eventually he’ll get a reputation) it won’t take them long to assume you’re the same way.

Also, why would you want to continue being friends with this guy? You don’t sound as if you respect him all that much (justifiably), and it’s really hard to maintain a friendship with someone that you have little or no respect for. It’s not fair to you, and I’m loathe to say this, but it’s not fair to John either.

I wouldn’t suggest sharing the above rant with him though, I don’t see how much good it’ll do. Most likely you’ll just come off as a preachy busybody. Just cut him off and if he asks you what’s up, tell him (but don’t preach to him) that you can’t be friends with someone who treats women that way. Or something along those lines.

12

I agree with masonite. You can’t just drop him and not tell him why. You’d both be angry and he wouldn’t know how he screwed up. No, don’t give him the whole rant, but next time the subject comes up, tell him how you feel. Hey, if he’s a decent guy otherwise and you manage to get him to change this one huge flaw, perhaps your friendship can be spared. You never know.

13

I could be overreaching here, but I suspect that in the minds of these girls, they are being “deflowered” and they do want sex to be something more than casual. If these girls shared your values (that there’s nothing wrong with casual sex), then I doubt that Engineer Dude would have written this OP. There would be no need.

If (and it’s a big if) Engineer Dude strongly suspects that most of these girls will feel deceived, “dirty” and “deflowered” when they find out that this guy is bragging about “popping their cherry” and calling them “bitch,” then I think Engineer Dude should just tell them (the girls). If they don’t mind, or if they wanted to get their cherry popped, well, hey, no biggie. Their choice. But it’s doubtful that they know what guy he really is. They might even be thinking that there’s marriage in the future. He may have led them to believe this. (Engineer Dude will have to confirm what persuasive tactics this guy is using on these virginal church girls.) If this guy is as scummy as he sounds, I think he deserves to be exposed. Let him go find casual sex with someone who is on the same wavelength with him. No need to manipulate these girls.

14

Are they both 18+? Then, it is their business.

15

Post by Engineer Dude

Don’t get so het up about it.

I’ll bet London to a brick he’ll be her 10’th or, maybe, 40’th.

You’re too romantic, dood.

16

If you really want to fuck the guy over, don’t tell her about him. Tell her parents.

17

Oooh. Delicious.

18

I don’t agree at all with these posters saying you should just drop him and not tell him why. If he’s really a friend, you have a duty to tell him that his actions bother you, and that you think they are wrong. It may be painful, but real friendships sometimes involve pain.

Also keep open the possibility that he just talks this way because he thinks it’s ‘cool’. I’ve known guys like that - they are actually quite sensitive and treat their girlfriends with care and respect. But when they’re with the guys, suddenly it’s the ‘bitch’ and ‘pussy’.

I’d confront him with it. You don’t have to be in his face about it, but the next time he calls her his bitch or whatever, just say, “You know Bob, I don’t get you. I thought you cared about this girl, and yet every time you talk about her, it’s in some demeaning manner. If you care about her that little, why are you still with her? If you do care about her, why would you want to talk about her like that?” Send the message that his behaviour is not acceptable, without telling him he’s an asshole or something. Phrase it like a questsion.

19

You sound very well spoken, and like a very nice guy. Why on earth do you have a “friend” like this.

Is it possible that this guy is just trying to sound impressive? And that deep down he’s insecure and unsure of himself, and that he thinks you and other guys will think he’s really “cool” if he talks this way?

As other posters have said, maybe he just needs a nice talking to, man to man, without bashing his ego.

Like “John, you’re a cool guy, why do you think speaking this way (and getting plastered too) is a good thing”?

If it’s truly that he’s just a scum, he’ll likely “drop” you. If not, hopefully you’ll have given him a wake up call.

20

Heh, I actually agree with Sam Stone on this one. Tell your boy he’s being a fuckwit, perhaps he’ll realize how stupid he sounds and change his ways. Then the problem is solved, and you’re still friends.