I would buy my old high school and outfit it as my house, keeping stuff like the gymnasium, industrial kitchen and theatre but converting all of the classrooms to bedrooms and other kinds of rooms with various different types of decor. Oh, and the bathrooms would stay where they are, but they’d be outfitted in marble tile and have showers and jacuzzis installed.
I would also buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move them to Halifax, where they might actually do well.
Oh, and if money is unlimited, I’ll build a lava moat around my headquarters.
I would have bought the Rocky Mountain News. I think it would be fun to run a newspaper, and I have run one (very small), and it is fun. I’ll bet a bigger one would be even funner.
REALLY unlimited?
I’d operate a cash-fired power plant. Just burn money to generate enough electricity for a mediums-sized city, like Madison. Because I could.
I would pay Nicholas Cage never to appear in a film or on stage or television again. I don’t want to say “not act again” because he doesn’t really act now.
I would pay the Octomom to continue to have litters of children, at least 8 at a time. I would hire them all to travel the country as a circus, with all the kids being trained as high-wire artists. They would become the Flying Octomoms, and they would NEVER use a net. Yes, there would be some casualties, but mom can always spit out another batch.
I would buy that newest tallest building in the world and a couple of 747s wired for remote control. I don’t want anyone hurt, so I would have the area evacuated, and I would put HD and Imax cameras EVERYWHERE, and load explosives and fireworks into the planes and the building, and smash the two planes into opposite sides of the building simultaneously, and have the coolest disaster recording EVER!
I would take Lewis Black’s suggestion and hire a professional ball-washer, to give my tesicles a nice freshening spritz and towel-down whenever I move. And sometimes when I don’t.
I would fund a huge space program with the sole purpose of writing a message on the surface of the moon, visible to the naked eye on earth, that “Earth Sucks”.
A huge research program to produce the “healthy joint”.
Another huge research program, for an additive to the water supply, to make women not so damn picky about the men they’re attracted to.
Oh yeah, and it’s time to really get cracking on that immortality research.
That’s pretty altruistic of you. Osteoarthritis is a serious problem.
Yup, that’s just what i meant. You need healthy joints to make bongs out of the bones after death. A crumbling ball joint makes a piss poor bowl.
•Finally get a bathtub long and deep enough that I could use it without my knees sticking out of the water and getting cold.
•Painstakingly rebuild the old Crown Books in my old hometown, before it was remodeled, then later gutted some more and turned into a “Ross.” I have some fond memories of that place—they had a bloody string quartet playing there on the opening night—and I’d love to see it again…even if only one last time.
•I have some…“issues” with a certain flight simulator company. (To wit, I and some other users enjoy some of the more “fantastic” possibilities of aircraft design and operation you can indulge in with a top-line flight sim, even including mock combat, that you could never do in the real world. The sim’s creator(s) and a number of other users, on the other hand, are more of the weeping school of thought that anything worse than Super Mario Bros glamorizes genocide, and probably causes it to be done, and that a good flight simulator should be used mostly to hyper-accurately drive Cessnas around in circles. I might be slightly exaggerating, I’ll admit. Oh, and it’s basically the only viable flight sim available for my platform, so it’s their way or screw off.) So I’m thinking…y’know, I might finance a mod. A low cost payware one, even. One that’s so gruesomely, viciously centered around hyper-accurate weapons effects modeling that you could use it for documentaries. I mean shadows getting flash-burned onto terrain, engines choking with ash and gun exhaust, mixed blood and Sarin splattering on the canopy windscreen…
Ahem Nemo me impune lacessit. I guess that’s what I’m saying.
•Build Frank Lloyd Wright’s mile high “Illinois” skyscraper. Complete with atomic-powered elevators, as per the original concept.
I don’t care if no one even uses it, I just want it built.
•Produce an anthology series that shoots the finales (and, when necessary, the few episodes building up to them) for TV series’ that got abruptly canceled, with the original cast and writers, when possible, and animation/lavish storyboards with narration when not.
Why would you need sustainable, renewable energy if every human is sterilized?
What, no private World Subway for you and your henchpeople?
Two chicks at the same time.
/Post 71?!?!?!?! You guys are slacking.
No, sentence 1, post 1:
Me, I’d commission some form of house-hovercraft. It may have to be nuclear-powered, to reduce the need for refueling.
Because I’m looking to the future, and last time I checked fossil fuels don’t last forever. I also imagine terraforming and colonising other planets, and assimilating other space faring nations (if they exist) into the Galaxy Technocracy (which I forgot to mention as part of conquering space) would take a whole lot of power.
Also, any technology that grants an individual immortality (see step 9) would likely also drain much of our power resources.
I’d buy New Zealand and turn it into a theme park.
I’d pay whatever it takes to get every appliance manufacturer to stop making things BEEP whenever you touch a button and BEEP BEEP BEEP when they’re done doing whatever you just programmed them to do a whole fucking minute ago! The microwave’s LED panel shows me that it has registered that I pushed the damn button. I can tell it’s done when the light and the rather loud fan go off. Shit, even my toaster BEEPs five times to let me know that my bagel is warm–despite that I’m already shmearing it by the time of the last BEEP. I’ll graciously allow BEEPs as an option for blind people.
I’d offer to donate ANYTHING the city fathers want if they’ll pass a law against car alarms in any city or town that I think I might someday visit in my travels.
I’d endeavor to make the term ‘starving artist’ a quaint memory by funding public art projects on every street corner, abandoned building, and empty lot.
But seriously, if I really had a ridiculous amount of money I would attempt to buy as much endangered rain-forest as I could and buy a whole lot of high-powered law firms to set it all up as permanent reserves for as long as possible after I’m gone.
Oh, and speaking of my eventual demise…my final wishes are that my body be encased in layers of different materials that burn slowly while fluorescing in all the colors of the rainbow. This ‘coffin’ will then be launched into space and (with great publicity) carefully deorbited so as to maximize visibility over the whole of North America as I burn up on re-entry.
That’s a supervillain-type base!
Tequila?
Thanks, you’ve saved me a FORTUNE!
A cure for death. What’s the point of having bazillions of dollars if you don’ t have time to spend it all?
Oh, and when the biologist who replicates the cure makes a mistake and changes everyone who doesn’t have O- blood into Left4Dead zombies, I’d buy a real tank to get me to the airport, not look for measly pipe bombs and hunting rifles while walking!
I agree that scaring them (briefly) could be a good option, but with this plan, I am wondering what happens if Bambi is out for a moonlight stroll and begins to cross the street. Then, your car triggers the Scary Fence – BUT poor Bambi is now in the middle of the road. If the Scary Fence is working, Bambi is what, just standing there, waiting for you to run him over? I imagine that would be even more frightening for both you and Bambi.