You forgot a few mssmith.
Day 2 = Date
Time Bridge = Date
UG = Ugly girl
HB = Hot girl (usually with a number, saying how hot)
Peacocking = Wearing something that’s eye catching.
I guess I’m in this category as well, although being gay the circumstances are a little different (I only get to pick from roughly 10% of the male population, although as I live in London the number of gay men available is actually probably higher than that).
My story is that for a long time I had very deep self esteem issues, primarily around my looks which I was aware of but also about myself as a person (which I wasn’t aware of until I went into therapy). Lots of experience of having casual sex (over the 150 mark) or having fuck buddies but much less so with relationships, and in fact I’ve not had a relationship last longer than six months. To be honest I was kind of a dick in some ways until I was about 24, then I had therapy for a while and that helped purge my self esteem problems (I’m now 28). So I’m a confident individual who’s good looking (I’d rate myself probably as a 7.5 or 8, especially given the people I’ve had interested in me in the past), currently carrying more weight than I should but I’m working on that.
My main problem is that I don’t really mix with other gay individuals - I don’t like the gay scene (or indeed most bars/clubs - don’t drink and I kind of feel that I’ve been there and done that, just doesn’t interest me now), don’t know many other gay people (I only have one gay friend) and my attempts to get involved with hobbies or activities to meet new people haven’t put me in touch with other gay people either. I joined an acting group near where I live but no gays (or friends who were gay, it would seem), belong to a sports club and play squash but haven’t met anyone through that, although I have made some other friends which made it worth it. The things I’ve done that were exclusively gay-oriented (london gay men’s chorus, a gay dining club I belonged to) I really didn’t like and I wasn’t about to force myself to endure things I didn’t enjoy in the hopes of snagging a man.
I’m waiting a few months until I’ve dropped the weight I’m carrying (go weight watchers!) and I will then join up with a gay squash group that operates in London (not that close to where I live but still I don’t mind travelling) and also go on internet dating again. My experiences of gay internet dating have pretty much been that people only want to meet for sex (gaydar etc) but the guardian soulmates service is quite good and I used that a couple of years ago to meet some good people. I had two promising guys out of that and we started seeing each other but it didn’t progress very far, one for reasons relating to him and the other for reasons I still don’t understand - but hey ho…
So in short nothing really wrong with me, but I’m probably not doing more of the things that I need to do to meet the right type of people. Who knows, maybe this year it might happen. If it doesn’t I can’t say I’m that worried as I enjoy my life as it is and don’t feel like there’s anything missing, but of course it would be nice to have that something extra too.
In my case, I’m more like apathetically single.
All the relationships I’ve had were ones where the woman made the first move on me. I’m too shy to make the first move myself, unless I get shitfaced, then it’s “C’mon baby, let’s fuck” with beer spittle spraying everywhere. Wives of my friends have made passes at me, because I’m definitely BUFF (Big Ugly Fat Fucker).
Last October at a party, I met up with a hot girl I hadn’t seen in a year or so, who told me she was single again, and for me to call her. I still haven’t done it. All my past relationships bombed because I didn’t maintain interest. At heart, I’m a loner and don’t think I deserve anybody.
I’ve heard HB (Hot Babe) and peacocking before.
I forgot “bounce”. Basically when you meet a girl you are getting along with, the objective is to “bounce” or leave with her and go to another location (coffee shop, slice of pizza, etc). The idea is that this creates a much richer memory of her evening out with you. It’s also a strong IOI that she is willing to go with you to a new location.
Watching his show, basically he’s doing all the things I used to do when I was dating. I just didn’t know there were silly names for all of it and had to kind of figure out what worked and what didn’t work through years of trial and error.
I guess I’m qualifying for this but that’s because I rejected my friend on Friday night. Whatever. She’s always single and makes me go out on her manhunts posing as her brother. It’s okay because she’s cool and it was going to be a solo nerdfest at my place anyway. And she feeds me risotto balls, mmmm, I’ll do anything for the risotto balls from this one place we go. I’m like a trained seal for them sumbitches.
Anyway, we’re out and she makes her trip to the head and of course all the guys are like, man, your sister is really cute yadda yadda can I give you my number, etc. Sure, pass 'em on over. Now I just happen to be recently single and I was kind of looking, I guess. But when am I not looking. Then she makes a move on me later that night, personal foul! Penalty flag at the hookah bar. I need to train her to bring me chicks and not scare them away. I’m a method actor, I can’t bang my own ‘sister’.
Reading this thread gives me flashbacks to that movie “Seven,” when they find the obese guy dead in his apartment from too much spaghetti and getting kicked in the stomach by Kevin Spacey. Here’s what I think:
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Surface vs. Being Yourself
You try the car because it looks sweet. You buy the car because you like how it drives. The car that sells does both, and there’s nothing mutually exclusive about those states of being. Invest in your external appearance and you will get the driver in the seat. Be able to stimulate, or at least simulate, that “spark” and girls will want to ride you home. That’s not game, it’s common sense. No one here goes to the dealership and deliberately picks the crappiest looking car on the lot. Asking a woman to look past your immediately obvious flaws in a first-meeting social situation is asking her to do precisely that. -
Talking to Girls
No one ever died from doing this. What do you care if some chick doesn’t like you or your conversation? I think 80% of the reluctance to strike up conversation is a guy being worried that some girl he is never going to see again thinking he’s a loser. So what, eff that. Like it’s some great personal loss if a girl at Starbucks gives you the cold shoulder. Hey bro, she’s hanging out at Starbucks, if your ego gets bruised from that, you gotta get over yourself. It’s not about rebounding from rejection; it’s about not giving a fuck if you get rejected in the first place. -
Dating Just to Date
This is arguable, but I’m a big believer in it. Not every woman you meet has to click 100% with you. It’s okay to date girls unseriously and with a total lack of commitment, as long as you are honest with her. Why do this? Because other babies can smell it on you, they know you are doing business. Plus it keeps you from going into a 6-month dating hibernation phase where you begin to resemble a cranky hermit with waaaay too many porn subscriptions. Then you get like, porn resistance, and you have to keep getting into weirder porn to make it interesting, and soon you’ve got a membership to CheerleadersDoingAGiantRobotT-Rex.com, it’s not a good scene. Not every girl you go with needs to be the love of your life or someone you really, really hope things work out with. Just get with someone and treat her fairly, and your attractiveness in general will improve about 50% to everyone else, this is my firm belief.
Damn you! There’s no such Web site. And I was all worked up about it!
Not at all. The super Singles-ville thing that is Denver works against me, some.
Being somewhat inactive here (remember I’m a fat man) works against a dater. Peruse our Denver Craigslist personals here to find ad after ad of people who have this entire lifestyle built around hiking, biking, and various forms of sliding down hills with sleds strapped to your feet.
Being a couch potato is kinda hard here. If you’re the outdoorsy, active type and need a date, by all means move to Denver. My lifestyle might better be served by moving to Milwaukee.
There’s been a lot of talk in this thread of “playing the game” and tdn has a lot of good advice on how to play a specific version of the game. Intentionally meeting lots of women and trying to collect phone numbers/email addresses is one method. There’s lots of other variations on this game. One deck of cards, lots of card games.
Is it a game? Yeah, a bit, although I think some of us want different prizes than others. If you’re just looking to get laid, I think you’re playing a different game than those of us hoping for a long term relationship. As much as calling it a “game” I think misses the descriptive mark, I guess it is a “game” in that if you don’t play, you don’t win. I may complain about the astronomical odds the lottery has but even 1:1000 or 1:1,000,000 is way better than 1:0. You gotta buy the ticket to play the game. You gotta get in the game to even expect to win.
The pick-up artist methods and terms earlier almost disgust me. It’s seems exploitive. The man that does these things demeans himself, his “date”, and all men by using them. It’s just techniques to manipulate a woman into your bed, which is nothing more than simply sleaziness, IMHO.
Still, as a middle-aged dating man, I found certain actions do “pay off” in simply meeting a woman or getting that second-date if you want it. A lot have been mentioned before, confidence, a demonstrable sense of self worth, having a few interesting stories, a bit of humor.
Maybe it’s a corollary of having confidence but one thing I thought paid off well was a bit of boldness. It’s a new thing for me, I tend to be the guy that says, “I dunno, what do you want to do?” I found that many women seem to see this as wishy-washy. That doesn’t mean that you should order her food for her but it does mean that you should be willing to say, “I thought we might do this or perhaps that tonight. What do you think?”
Be willing to say, “I had a great time. Would you like to do this again?” rather than, “Thanks for the date, did you have a good time?” Thanks to the feedback loop that usually functions in a date, if you had a good time chances are good she did, too.
Ah, but when it mismatches… Sigh. Pain, rejection, etc. You have to be able to accept that, not necessarily brush it off like it never happened, but accept it.
There was the lovely lady I had lunch with. Very nice woman, very cute, a little geeky. It seemed like a magical lunch. This was a girl that could use the word “grok” in context. Sigh (“Grok” followed by a sly peek through her eyelashes to see if I caught the word and how I’d react. A litmus test of sorts. I thought I passed that test.)
Incredible physical attraction - we didn’t make it to dinner the next date - got, umm, sidetracked before we got there. Penis ensued and was, I thought, just magical again.
Next time I asked her out, “Sorry - I need a man who can commit.”
At this point, my legal divorce wasn’t finished, I was separated and I was dating semi-casually, not necessarily looking for commitment but willing to accept it if it was “natural”. I was trying hard to not force commitment, not allow myself to commit to somebody out of need or loneliness but only if it were an “organic” result of the dating relationship. She knew this, I was upfront with my current mental and marital state.
She, apparently, needed something more immediate. Future contact attempts by me were ignored. I’ve never heard from her again. Ah well, there was something there, I think, but there’s risks to this dating game and I just found a whammy card.
You know - it’s a fond memory - I didn’t tear my heart out and I lived through it to love again.
Playing the game has its pains, risks, and rewards. But if you opt out, there’s no prize at all, just like not playing the lottery. And, in my experience, the odds of finding a compatible date are much greater than the lottery odds.
You don’t have to play tdn’s version of the game, you don’t have to play my version, but you do have to get out there in some way to play.
I wouldn’t get too worked up over the terms. Any time you have a bunch of guys get together to discuss nearly any topic, buzzwords and lingo get made up.
I disagree. They are just tools to add to your social toolbox. It is how you use them that determines whether they are sleazy. Even if you are looking for that one special someone, you still need that little pickup artist inside of you to help you find her.
Yowza! A warning would have been appreciated! It’s going to be awhile before I get that image out of my head…
This is maybe the one objective Internet dating performs consistently well. Having someone not respond to an e-mail has got to be the most painless form of rejection going.* Also, odds are people you’re not interested in are going to be writing to you as well, getting you a little practice at being the rejecter and seeing it from the other side. I think it sort of gets you used to the concept that these little social brushoffs are not the end of the world. Or maybe it just makes cynics, I dunno.
*Nota bene, I’m a guy, and I have heard stories from 2 women about how rejected male Internet suitors can get abusive when turned down. I’ve never encountered this, and I don’t know if it’s much more common for women than men.
Oooooh, can I join the pityfest?
I think I’m in HazelNutCoffee’s boat here, where I’m not desperately unhappy being single, but would rather be in a relationship than not. I’m a little down right now because I was just rejected by a guy friend who was initially really interested in me with, “I’m just not into you anymore.” Okay . . .
Anyways, I guess for me it’s a combination of a hectic schedule, apathy, and the lack of anyone attractive in my immediate social circle. Actually, including the guy who rejected me . . . I’m pretty sure that I’m not objectively attracted to him; it was more of a “wow, you like me? I must like you as well” type of thing . . . and then it became a power thing. I guess, actually, in general, I look at relationships the wrong way, as more of a power struggle, to see who can want or need the other the least, and by extension, “wins.” Yeah, I suppose a totally neurotic outlook on dating doesn’t help at all.
Regardless, I agree with the above, that you just have to keep plugging on. Also, being in a relationship isn’t that great, honestly, except for the sex. It has its advantages over singlehood, but singlehood is not to be so lightly dismissed. And take heart, Dopers, when looking at your friends in relationships; I would bet that most relationships are not truly happy and fulfilling. So don’t get down on your current situation.
That being said, Zambini151, how you doin? What you described is my dating ideal . . . someone to eat take out with and fuck on a semi-regular basis who will leave me the fuck alone the rest of the time . . .
Gestalt
I met Glee this summer at the Las Vegas Dopefest and I didn’t realize he was single. Glee is flat adorable and had I not been married at the time, would have willingly listened to his voice all night…
Your perception of yourself as shy or awkward isn’t always accurate.
That’s signature worthy.
Not mine, but somebody’s.
Sorry! :smack:
Get thee to the video store and rent The Elephant Man. It’s up there with Amadeus and Schindler’s List in terms of well-made, impressive, and sad movies.
One of my favourite films, actually. I would second this recommendation, but I don’t want to be responsible for any more psychological damage. It’s really more sad than horrifying though. Anyway, sorry about the picture earlier.
Sorry for picking this thread back up after so long, but I just happened to see it again and wanted to thank Belrix and I had a few other thoughts.
Thanks for your insights. I really found them to be interesting and somewhat helpful. Knowing that other people get out there and risk rejection helps in knowing that it’s a universal thing.
I think I’m more worried about this:
I haven’t been much into the internet dating game but in real life, I’ve seen men do some very weird and unsettling things when you tell them how you feel. It’s an uncomfortable and scary feeling that I try to avoid.
Is there weird men out there? Yup. No doubt. How to avoid? Dunno.
My suggestions for internet dating:
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Exchange lots of text before meeting, IM, email, whatever.
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Listen to the warnings in the back of your head.
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Meet on neutral ground, he doesn’t pick you up at your place until you’re comfortable him knowing your location.
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Listen to the warnings in the back of your head.
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Get his full name and number before you meet in person and make sure a friend has your date location before you meet for the first time. Doubts? Make her/him call you an hour or two after the start of the date to give you an out if you want to use it.
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First date, lunch or coffee. Intentionally short.
Any others, anybody?
Personally in all my years of internet dating I’ve never done the “tell a friend where you are and get them to call you to make sure you’re okay”. If you’re meeting the person in a public space and in netural territory then what exactly is the danger supposed to be? And what is your friend going to do to help you if things are going wrong?
I’d definitely echo the other points though, although I would add that you need to appreciate that until you meet a person in the flesh you’re not really getting to know them, you’re just constructing an idea of them in your head - more often than not that image doesn’t correspond to reality (which can be a good or bad things). So don’t think that after several weeks of trading emails with someone you’ve got to know them, when you meet them they are still essentially a stranger.