For those who know exactly what this is about…
She let it slip a bit ago that she’s seeing someone.
This wraps up a few things… but it opens a gaping wound… I can get on with being friends but I want more.
Oh well.
She sent something ironic about 10 minutes later… I’ll let you know what when I get a chance.
The hours since she let it slip have been surreal.
She got one of those ‘forward to all your friends’ e-mails. As soon as she read it she sent it to me and some other people.
I read it. One of the lines was “Did you know that it’s easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face?”
How fucking true that is for me… I am an articulate bugger with the written/typed word when I want to be.
Backstory: She had a holiday planned. She re-arranged it.
One of the odd things since she let slip is that she has been far more open and friendly and relaxed with me… well she asked me to join her on one of her ciggy breaks (she knows I don’t smoke) During said ciggy break the guy I suspected as being the one she’s seeing turned up… she started talking to him about how she rearanged the holiday they are going on. When he left to get her some food I asked “Is it [him] you are seeing?” I also asked how long they’ve been an item… FOUR DAYS!!! (so you can all say ‘I told you so’ because I waited too long)
Then he turns up later on… and invites me out for a drink. I say I’ll think about it… as soon as he’s gone she persuades me to go (I can’t say no to her) so I go… he’s a cool guy (bastard) and we get on alright.
So I’m tipsy (at work would you believe) and unsure of what will happen when this sinks in.
Lobsang- I am truely sorry to hear this news. I had fully expected a more happy outcome from the start. I hope this evolves in time to something you are happy with, as well as her. Be true to your feelings. Be a person that she is lucky to have in her life.
As I’ve told you before, Ms.Nic and I were not together long after we met. We became good and respected friends while still being with other people. It was when those others failed to be the people that we were looking for that we were able to find ourselves together.
Again, I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling.
Nic
Only dating for 4 days? Well, that’s not exactly in the same league as if she were married or anything. Maybe there’s still a chance things will work out in your favor in the long run!
It would be a bad idea to tell her I’ve had feelings for her since we first started working together right? Now that I know she’s seeing someone.
I was rehearsing that kind of thing last night whilst trying to get to sleep. But my waking self sees what a bad idea it would be. She’s going on holiday with this guy. I want to be selfish and tell her for my own sake. I don’t know what it will achieve… I perhaps want it to result in friendship with a little understanding on her part.
The last thing I want to do is bottle my feelings up while I wait for her and him to break up or fall apart. Bottling up is never good. And the feelings are well and truly still there.
As tempting as it is to tell her how I feel I think the grown-up thing to do would be to wait.
Don’t even worry about it. I was thinking more about back when this whole thing started. I wasn’t refering to this particular moment. I wouldn’t say anything right now either. She has a boyfriend/some guy she’s dating, and you have met him too. To say something now would be awkward for everyone. Give her current relationship some time. Most relationships don’t end in marriage, and most don’t go on for an extended period. Just be her friend, listen to her side of whatever she wants to talk about, and open yourself up to her. If there is “something” there you (and she) will feel it.
Yes. Yes it would. You should save that until the first morning you wake up together.
For right now, it would be a GOOD idea to tell her that you fancy her. As soon as you start getting into the question of how much or for how long you’ve fancied her, you get into bad-idea territory, but telling her you do fancy her - yes, even now that you know about her 4-day relationship - is a good idea.
I don’t think so. Again, skip the “I’ve thought about you day and night since we first met” part. But I think it’s a good idea to unmistakeably express your interest in her.
Now you have a bit of an opening: you can ask her how serious they are. If her eyes fill with joy and she says “I’ve finally found the man of my dreams” - well, there’s your answer. If, however, she says “Oh, you know, it’s just casual” or something, that’s definitely a good sign.
She will probably follow it up with a “Why do you ask?” If her answer was the former, you can say “Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on your happiness” or something (before you head to the pub to drown your sorrows).
If it was the latter you can say (with great confidence, even if you have to fake it, preferrably with a smile and/or a wink) “I just wanted to know if I still had a chance.”
I’ve been following your threads about her and I’m truly sorry that it hasn’t worked out to your benefit. This is what I see:
She knows you don’t smoke - yet she invited you on her cigarette break. “Coincidentally” her new beau shows up and they just happen to talk about their plans. Nothing “slipped” out - this was set-up specifically to let you know what’s going on.
He invited you out because he is not threatened by you and she encouraged you to go because she wants everybody to be friends. He is not threatened because she has talked about your feelings for her and her feelings towards you. One guess to what she told him.
She knows you’re interested, she’s not into you and she is telling you in the nicest way she can, probably in hopes of staying friends with you. She’s been more relaxed and open around you because she has told you how she feels about you (in a roundabout way) and she thinks everything has been settled.
Look at the bright side - she cares about your feelings enough to let you down as gently as possible and in a way that would preserve your friendship. She values you as a person and friend.
Don’t sit around and wait for them to break up - if you’re going to be her friend then do that. Don’t be one of those annoying guys who just hang around hoping to get in some girls pants but never do anything about it. (a “nice guy”)
If you find you can’t be just a platonic friend (and that is perfectly ok) - THEN tell her that your sorry but you have strong romantic feelings towards her and you were hoping to be more than friends. Tell her the things you like about her then wish them well and tell her to call you if things don’t workout. She will respect you for this and if they do break up she will think of you as a potential boyfriend. IF you don’t mope around the office and make the work environment hell and if you don’t do anything to try and break them up. This doesn’t mean you ignore her and him at work- just don’t treat her any differently than you do anyone else. No sending emails just to her, no going on smoke breaks just with her, no bringing her food unless it’s part of the larger group (not saying you do this now) - nothing special just for her.
I know it’s hard but you only have two choices - let it go and be a real friend to them or let it go and not be friends with them.
Once when I was having a hard time with a bad breakup a friend told me this " If you shopped a store and really liked the selection that they had but one day you went and the doors were locked, an “out of business sign” was in the window and the windows were soapped over - would you stand out there forever trying to get in or would you look for a different place to get what you need?"
Best of luck, Lobsang - I know it’s hard to have unrequited feelings.
Lobsang- you know I’ve been rooting for you throughout but I think there may be some real insights here. I don’t think telling her now, just before leaving on holiday with another guy, is the best of timing.
If your sanity requires something be said, I think cowgirl has a good non-committal approach to get a feeling of her interest in this guy
I think her interest is fairly casual.
She’s also not very truthful, but she never was. She told me four days. I suspect she pulled that figure out of thin air… because I’ve overheard her talking of several weeks. I’ve suspected as much until she let it slip (and believe me in the circumstances in which she let it slip she isn’t clever enough to have done it to a plan. Our boss said jokingly about a rich American ‘maybe you should marry this guy’ and she replied ‘No, I’m seeing someone, that wouldn’t be fair’) mornea I appreciate your insights but you seem to be under the impression she knows how I feel. (Unless you are only speculating)
I’m a whole heck of a lot less enthusiastic about the paintballing (and drinking afterwards) day. If he starts getting all smoochy with her it might be my cue to dash home early. I can tolerate his precence all the time but I don’t think I could tolerate PDAs. I find myself appreciating her more now that I know she’s seeing someone than ever before. And I don’t think it’s sunk in because I haven’t felt anything more than mild disappointment yet.
Just when I thought that last post was the one to close this whole saga for a long time… Tonight has reached new levels of surreality.
I’ve just spent a good few hours at the pub with her boyfriend again (she persuaded me again… Told me he was alone… He wasn’t as it turned out, but he seemed glad to break off from his other friends and talk to me). The first time was two drinks… this time was more. Me and him seem to be hitting it off which is surprising considering how brieflyI’ve known him and how long it takes me to hit it off with people.
We spent the whole time talking about her… him as the boyfriend, me as the friend and office-mate. He’s confiding this that and the other… I’m expressing opinions left right and center. I get around to telling him that me and her get on well so I share his concern over her work related problems. I find out slyly that the network snooping measures talked about have not yet been imposed on the entire work network (so he hasn’t been reading my sdmb threads). I find out that his reasons for being her boyfriend are honourable. (This might be the time to point out that when I joined him sober, he was already fairly drunk… there is no horse play going on here). Call me a devious bastard but I think I managed to get this guy to respect me just like all the others do.
As I walked home I had more material for this post mulling around in my head, but I want to get to bed so I’ll just say this… I’m at peace with the whole situation. I have a great fondness for her… I think he’s a decent guy… I wish them well.
When you read this in the morning, know that there are many who are glad you seem to be okay and adjusting to a situation that appears to be heading in a new and healthy direction for you, and everyone involved. Mostly, I’m glad to hear you sounding pretty well with it all.