Update: So I Just Got Molested By A Family Member

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

In this thread of a little over a year ago, I chronicled how my aunt’s elderly husband had sexually assaulted me, the first time that he was ever alone with me since I’d known him.

I got a lot of excellent advice in that thread, and it really helped at the time to document it and talk about it openly. I really appreciate you people and everything that you have to say.

I did end up telling my aunt, of course, and she believed me and she was sufficiently mortified and pissed at him. Why, she even canceled the lavish and spendy 80th birthday party she had been planning for him. She was already seeing a counselor over her no-good son, so she at least had that support and way of dealing with it.

What has happened during the past year is that we still get together with my aunt, but now instead of big family dinners and games and nice family time at her lovely home, now we get together in restaurants every few months, and it is awkward and stilted. (She can’t come to our house because we have cats and she has allergies.)

Also, she asked me not to tell anyone in the family what happened, and well, you know me- I told everyone. Hey, I needed support, and one quasi-family member is a counselor, so yeah. Anyway, somehow it got back to my aunt that I had actually been* raped *by her husband, which of course was not the case, so let’s just say she was not very happy. My mother told her this, and my mother also said that I always lie about this type of thing, because my mother doesn’t want to believe that my father, her husband, also touched me inappropriately. So, yeah, good times all around have ensued.

And then after that, the next time we got together she brought up how one time several years ago, I had flippantly remarked that with this old dude’s money, if my aunt didn’t want him, I might be available or something to that effect. It was just a dumb little joke, clumsy and obvious joke-flirting, oh haha, but it must have stuck in their heads and then he must have pulled it out in defense, “Oh, but remember that time she said she’d have me?? She was asking for it!” :rolleyes: I lost some respect for her for falling for that bullshit. Her and I speak probably 1/10th of what we used to, we never get together just us for lunch anymore like we used to, and our relationship is forever changed and diminished. I have been extremely hurt by this whole thing and although I know that I did the right thing by telling her and that she should know what he’s capable of, a small part of me wishes I’d never said a word, but secretly extorted him for lots of money so that I could be driving a new car to their house for dinner tomorrow. :stuck_out_tongue:

So tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, and I have been crying sporadically over the past couple of days. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday and it was in stone that my three sons and I would go to their house and we would have this and we would do that and that’s how it was and nobody missed it ever. And now there’s nothing where that used to be. After all those years, this man turned to me and by his actions told me that he believed that I wasn’t worthy of being loved for me, that I didn’t belong in his family as a true family member, that I didn’t belong at his table, and that this <grabs boobs and crotch> is all I’m worth. And I really hate him for that.

And I’m going to have to see someone about this, I already realize that. But thanks for reading and letting me vent a little about it.

2

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wish i was closer, so I could invite you guys to my Thanksgiving. It just plain sucks.

3

Thanks, sweetie. I am almost afraid to stay home tomorrow, because I think I would end up just feeling very badly, so I’ve actually accepted two invites for dinners, one at 1 and one at 4. I’m going to be a pig! :stuck_out_tongue: And then when I get home, I will be too food-drunk and tired to think about it.

4

If no one else has spelled this out for you, Alice, your uncle is a bad, stupid, vicious asshole who deserves to be beaten black and blue. After the trauma of the assault, the next worse thing is how easily it can tear a family apart. There’s a kind of insanity that grips people when they refuse to look objectively at the actions, the same kind of insanity we’re seeing with the Penn State scandal. Your aunt and your mother have something invested in not acknowledging what your uncle did.

There must be some sort of support group for survivors of sexual abuse, and I’ll bet they deal with the same problem you are now. I swear, if you were in SoCal, I would adopt you for the holidays and share my family with you. I’ve done it with other friends. Maybe there’s someone closer to where you are who can offer the same thing.

5

Thank you, phouka. I appreciate the thought. It’s fairly odd, given that you’re all invisible friends, but the people of this board have given me more support than any family I’ve ever had. It means a lot.

6

Was it worth it? Sounds like a pretty miserable fallout. People around here tend to be rather moralistic and uppity, but in reality oftentimes doing the “right thing” just means bringing a mountain of pain unto yourself. I’m not saying you should have done nothing, but you could have dealt with it in a much more private and low-key way instead of escalating, blabbing about it to everyone, and basically destroying your own family life.

7

My best friend was the recipient of a lot of inappropriate conversation from her mother’s second husband, and while he never actually touched her she still was molested, mentally and emotionally. (She was 16 when it started.) She said the worst part was that her mother basically dismissed what happened, and never really acknowledged how horrid it was for her. So, I’m sure that your mom’s and aunt’s reactions are really the worst part for you, Alice. Just remember that they are in denial and that is their issue, not yours.

Have a great time tomorrow eating and eating. Hang in there. You did the right thing. None of them did.

8

I don’t know if I’d say it was worth it, as I wasn’t looking to gain anything from telling, and I haven’t, but I would say it was the right thing to do to tell my aunt. As for telling anyone else, meh- you think you’re talking to people in confidence, they turn out to be punk-ass bitches, shit happens. I don’t know, maybe next time I will consult the manual on how to act when this happens.

9

If Uncle Grabbyhands was playing grabby with the OP, it’s quite likely that he’s grabbing other people, too.

Exposing this behavior is the only way to get rid of it. If everyone keeps quiet, then everyone thinks it’s just him/her that Uncle is playing grab with. I have cousins Back East, my father had moved to Texas to be with my mother but all of his family was still up in Yankee country, my family would go visit them every year. At any rate, all of the family tended to congregate at one particular house. The underage folks generally wandered in and out of the backyard and neighborhood. As a child, I experienced an exceptionally grabby neighbor. There was no penetration involved, but those experiences were pretty scary. As an adult, I got together with some of my cousins, and found out that they, too, had been grabbed and smooched and fondled. Again, no penetration, but pretty scary. And this neighbor was a respected man in the area, because he was very good at convincing the kids that this was normal behavior, and if we told he’d do SOMETHING to us, and that nobody would believe us anyway. And we believed him, and thought that nobody else was affected.

THIS year, the fallout is bad for the OP. Really, really bad. It’s still a fresh wound for Aunt. I think and I hope that this will get better over the years. The thing is, if the OP had kept quiet and tried to deal with it in a low key manner, then the behavior would probably have escalated.

10

Not that it’s quite the same, and it’s just a piece of what is upsetting you, but I do know what it feels like when you have to adjust expectations around traditions and holidays when the family falls apart (for whatever reason).

Ever since my folks got divorced, this time of year has been incredibly stressful and just un-fun (10 years on, and it’s still a frustrating minefield). I still haven’t settled into a routine enough for it to really feel normal.

Anyway, like I said, not really the same, but I at least totally get that part of it.

11

Yes. It was doubly hurtful to me, I think, because one of my ‘things’ in life is to be outcast, to not be accepted into a larger group. I had finally found real family to me that had accepted and loved me and given me a place. The loss of that is really what I’m crying about when I cry about this.

12

Sure you were. You were looking for validation and recognition of your self-righteousness (which of course you didn’t get, and now you’re turning here for the same thing). What you got were permanently damaged family relationships that don’t affect just you and him but your entire extended families, according to your description of the aftermath.

What he did was wrong, and there’s no question of that. But jeez lady, he grabbed your boob for a split-second. I get that it made you uncomfortable and violated your trust and all, and yes it’s an act of assault. But does that really warrant the destruction of the family relationships of everyone else who had nothing to do with it, such as your three sons? You say your aunt told you not to tell anyone, yet you felt the need to disregard her and make sure everyone knew about it anyway. You didn’t need a manual - you needed to shut up and listen to her wisdom. And that was something you chose. So while you’ll get a lot of mollycoddling here and I’ll get a lot of flak for “blaming the victim”, the fact remains that while he committed the initial offense, the decision to escalate instead of dealing with it privately among the concerned parties was entirely yours.

13

It’s okay for you to have your own opinion about it. Although you should know, it was more than a boob-grab. In addition to my boobs, he grabbed my crotch, and chased me around the kitchen a bit. You’re probably right in that I didn’t handle it well.

14

?

I’m sorry, I don’t think I quite follow. You agree that the uncle’s actions were unquestionably wrong, but you think the OP should just allow it to get covered up and swept under the carpet (potentially exposing others to the same behaviour) because her aunt is somehow “wise” rather than just not wanting to face the embarrassment of her husband having molested someone? Has it occurred to you that spouses of a molester are not necessarily the most impartial arbitrators?

Having said that, Alice your OP made it sound as though you agreed not to tell then oopsie told everyone in sight. While I think your aunt may be at least misguided, it’s somewhat unfair to her if she got blindsided by claims her husband raped you. I don’t think you owed her any secrecy, but if you agreed to it and then let the family grapevine loose, it’s not helpful to anyone.

15

Christ, shit like shutting up and not saying a word, keeping a secret for the sake of appearances, is how people get to keep molesting others. We just had a thread over in IMHO started by someone who’d been molested as a young man, wondering how much blame the victims carry if they don’t say anything.

Rigamarole, would you be criticizing Alice if she revealed she’d kept her promise to her aunt about not saying anything, and then this man molested her sons, or other women/girls in the family? Saying it would have been worth destroying family relationships to reveal him for what he was? Or would you have stuck to this line of staying quiet and keeping the peace?

Alice, I’m sorry. Your family are being really awful excuses for human beings, and you don’t deserve it. It’s not your fault that they want to keep their heads in the sand and pretend nothing’s wrong.

16

Yeah. “Shut up and hide it” is what we’ve been told for generations. Fuck the family, and fuck the family peace. If that’s the cost, and Alice is paying it, then so be it. In their hearts they know he done wrong. They’re just being assholes.

Alice, I’ve often heard that far, far worse than the initial offense is their reaction. “Don’t tell or everyone will hate you.”

Rigamarole’s comments are along that line and make me sick. It’s horrible to be violated like that, even if it’s “mild” and just for a few seconds. I’ve had it happen to me and I chose not to tell (I caused enough waves in my family already). It still makes you feel dirty and horrible, no matter how “mild” it was.

The thing is, having been through some crazy drama in my family - yes, everything is irrevocably changed, but you are also a nine days’ wonder and they’ll find something else to gab about soon enough.

17

Like I said - ignoring it is not the same thing as keeping it between the parties actually affected, without the need to involve everyone in the extended family. I’m actually looking at it from the point of view of her sons - all they know is that they used to have big, fun family get-togethers and now they don’t anymore and the reason is because of something mommy did (and even though I iterated this point before I know someone will clip it out of context - he may have started it, but she was the one who chose to make a public stink over it and the fallout is the result of that). That’s not fair to them.

Also, the OP is a (what, 30/40-something?)-year old woman who should be able to handle herself as an adult. There’s absolutely no evidence to support the fear that he’d extend his behavior toward children in the family, and if there were or the original incident had been toward a child that would have been a very different situation, and I’d have a very different tune (by the way, the OP wasn’t “molested”, she was assaulted, since that’s what they call it when it’s a grown-up being targeted).

Yeah, fuck everyone; they’re all assholes if they don’t support your righteous endeavors 100%. That’s a lovely way to foster family solidarity. In a perfect world, we could hold everyone to the highest standards and immediately and permanently shun them for any minor transgression. But because you endured a small amount of pain does not mean that the answer is spreading a disproportionate and undue amount of pain around to everyone else who wasn’t involved. Sometimes dealing with these kinds of things requires a little bit of tact and maturity, and the OP’s story is exactly the reason why. Somehow, I don’t think she was thinking about protecting the rest of the family from this horrible, predatory monster when she decided to blab to everyone. She was thinking about herself.

18

Alice, you were right to tell. They don’t like you for making them feel uncomfortable; they’d rather you were still the one feeling uncomfortable. As hard as it may be, throw it off and begin a new holiday tradition for yourself. You can volunteer to deliver holiday meals or visit people in the hospital for the holiday. Take your kids on a picnic or spend the day making crafts with them. Go see a movie. Spend the day with another lone friend. Do something for you.

Thanksgiving is treated like it is all about family. But in my mind, it’s all about thanks. Thanking friend or thanking the fact that you do not HAVE to be with family members who are trying to turn you into a pariah. Forgive them for being unwilling to face the truth, but do not suffer their attitudes. You are better off at home with a good book or movie. Or out with a friend. Treat yourself with respect and others will (eventually) do the same.

I spent a good deal of time away from my family because being with them was a waste of glorious holidays that I felt could be spent in better, more stimulating (and less predjudicial) company. It was time well spent even though it was lonely on occasion; other years were so wonderful they are at the top of my list. Eventually, most of my family became humane again and I can look forward to sharing some good times with them.

19

I didn’t really tell everybody- I was exaggerating for comedic effect. I told one brother, who I swore to secrecy, who then told my mom, and I told my late other aunt’s life partner, who is a MSW, when I was trying to decide whether to tell my aunt, so she could give me advice from her perspective of knowing all parties. And as far as I know, she hasn’t let my aunt know that I told her. So, yes, an indiscretion, but it’s not like I shouted it from the rooftops. And no, actually, my boys don’t blame me for this at all- they know that the reason we don’t go over there anymore is because of what he did. I would never have gone over there again, whether I’d told or not. It might be an abnormal reaction for some, but for me it’s perfectly normal to not want to be around someone that has violated me and my trust like that.

20

We’ll have to agree to disagree here. To equate an adult fondling a child as a “minor transgression” for which she “endured a small amount of pain?” is just nonsense. Are you serious? How do you think predators start? A brush here, a touch there, a fondle…or do you think that predators come out of the womb with an erect penis waiting for an unsuspecting little girl. What he did took a part of Alice that can never be regained. He took her innocence as a child and to criticize her for choosing to share his “minor transgression” is ridiculous.