So I Just Got Molested By A Family Member

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ew.

I have to put my car in the shop, and so yesterday I went to borrow my aunt’s car, since she and her husband will not be using it for the next little while. My aunt is out of town, so I met her husband yesterday morning, and we drove up to their house, about 30 minutes out of town.

My aunt has been married to this wealthy older man (she’s 68, he will be 80 in November) for 20 years. I don’t really consider him my “uncle”, as I didn’t grow up with him around, but I have been extremely close to her and him for the last 10 years, as she’s the only family I have besides my kids here in AZ. We often go up to their house for swimming, dinners, games- general family happy fun times. I have always trusted him and felt comfortable around him- like family, even. Which is why it was so incredibly shocking when, yesterday in the car going up to their house, my aunt’s husband touched me inappropriately. Ew. After we got to the house, I tried my best not to go inside with him, but I had to, in order to get the keys to the car I was borrowing. Of course, in the house, he became more aggressive and was able to cop a feel of my boob, which he proclaimed “nice”, before I pushed him away and fled.

I didn’t say anything to him because I didn’t know what to say. Do I really have to tell this 80 year old sick fuck that I am not attracted to him? That I don’t like him “in that way”? Did he really think that my reaction would be “Oh yeah, baby, give me some of that 80 year-old stuff”?? EW, EW, EW!

I’m not going to tell her, because she’s not going to leave him. She’s grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and although she would do quite well on her own, being a professional woman with a career, she’s old and she likes her nice house and her traveling and all the other nice things that she has and does. Me telling her would only make things a hundred times more awkward. Also, I am part of his family trust, and I’d probably be disinherited for telling. Doesn’t seem fair that I should not inherit, because he is a fucking pig.

At 42, I thought I was long done with being molested by family members. I thought I was safe with this man. I trusted this man. I am sickened and disgusted.

Any advice?

2

Tell your aunt. More than anything else, it could be some form of senile dementia creeping up on him, taking out the restraint his frontal lobes usually offer. Ask her if she’s noticed any personality changes in him, and frame it as a concern for his health, especially since it seems so out of character for him.

I’m really sorry that happened to you, Alice. It must have been jarring as hell. While I’m sure you weren’t in fear for your safety, it still had to be just awful.

3

Well that sucks. On the one hand, I totally 100% understand why you don’t want to tell your aunt. On the other hand, without knowing your situation, will she be curious if you don’t go over to their house anymore? Will she notice if you refuse to leave your kids alone with him? If the answers to those questions are yes (and you plan to do those things), then you have to tell her. If you don’t she might wind up getting mad at you for not coming around so much anymore.

4

I concur with Phouka. It will be difficult, yes, but also explain to your Aunt why it is important that you are never put in a position to be left alone with him under any circumstances. You understand that your Aunt is unlikely to end her marriage over this, but she needs to know how you feel about this and that you cannot be put in a position for something like this to happen again.

5

This.

When an 80-year-old whom you previously liked and trusted does or says something really inappropriate or out of character, you should at least suspect that it’s a symptom of an age-related brain malfunction (e.g. Alzheimer’s).

6

You are right, phouka (and now others). I’ve been reluctant to consider him as becoming demented, mostly because I don’t want to give him an excuse, but it is very possible. I think telling her what happened would put her in a very awkward position of having to choose, and I don’t want that. I will consider bringing up “personality changes” to her, without giving her details, though. And yes, I’m thinking Thanksgiving dinner is out this year.

7

What phouka says.

8

This happened to a friend’s father and he started molested his granddaughters when he was in his 80’s. (Touching only, not that that makes a difference.) It was devasting for the family. It was quite a while ago and I can’t recall if there was any treatment for him at the time.

Sorry it happened to you, Alice. I second asking your aunt if he’s been behaving any differently without mentioning specifics.

9

Let me join the Amen Chorus for everything said so far.

Let me add that if he’s really a philanderer, she probably knows about it already. If this is out of character for him, she needs to know.

10

You have to tell your aunt. Whether it’s dementia or just plain sleaziness, You won’t be the only one he does this to and she’ll find out anyway, and she needs to know either way.

11

If he molested you, there’s no telling how many others he either has molested or will molest. And the next one may be too young to walk away without permanent emotional scars. Can you live with that for the sake of money?

12

It drives me nuts in stories like this when the woman’s first instinct is to protect the molester. That just enables them even more. What is WITH that? Fucking nark the guy out. It’s not about you, it’s about whoever else he might go after.

13

I’ve never been particularly motivated by money- this isn’t really about that. It could be a complication of me telling, and is a fair thing to consider, though. I have put a call in to another (indirect) family member, who is a mental health counselor and who knows both of them very well. All of you make very good points, and my aunt does have a granddaughter that I, of course, have every duty and responsibility to protect if I can. Sigh. Goddammit.

Dio, it’s easy to stand back and know and say what is the clear-cut right thing to do. I know that. It’s not so easy when you’re in the middle, you could be the one accused, and your word could change a lot of things, that a lot of people seem perfectly happy with.

14

Another thing is that she may be seeing signs of character changes in him but chalking them up to stress at work, or some other factors. If he’s starting to experience dementia then she’s going to need more family support, not less. If he’s been a trustworthy and decent man until the age of 80 then he’s earned the benefit of the doubt I would think. A conversation with your aunt about this situation and asking, gently, if she has noticed similar lapses in judgment, or other signs of early stage dementia could help identify it early, before it destroys their marriage and casts him adrift with no family to support him as his mind deteriorates. Having seen the latter case first-hand with some of the people who shared the boarding house my uncle used to live in, I can’t say I’d wish that on anyone. Sometimes the people who hurt us the most are the ones which most need our help.

If there are no corroborating details that your aunt has noticed, or you don’t notice any further signs of dementia, then I’d recommend limiting your one on one time with him. I don’t think I’d be willing to go nuclear and cut off all contact over this incident, largely because it could still turn out to be dementia, just slower-developing. It wouldn’t hurt for your aunt to have someone around who isn’t as close to the situation all the time and can help spot other signs if they occur. But that’s your call, and you are in a better position to make it than I.

Steven

15

I’ve been in the middle.

It wouldn’t be your word changing anything, it would be his own behavior, and there’s a granddaughter who might not end up being all that happy about things.

Not sure what you mean by “you could be the one acused.” Are you saying that your aunt might not believe you?

16

I don’t have any real reason to believe that she may not believe me, but I’ve certainly had it happen before- people that don’t want to take responsibility for their behavior often have no problem blaming the victim.

17

I realize that some of my reasoning may not be “correct”- I’m confused. I fully admit that I may not know what the best thing to do is. I fully admit that my first reaction is to want to not tell, to keep things the same as they were, and to protect her and her seeming happiness and I know that may not be the right thing to do. That’s why I started this thread.

18

You’re a smart woman. You know what the right thing to do is. You’re just uncomfortable with it (naturally!). I have faith that you’ll ultimately do the right thing. You’re just still in the “ooginess” part of this, so every part of it, including telling your Aunt feels oogie.

Best of luck to you and your family.

19

It’s definitely uncomfortable to have to tell. No question about that. But so is getting groped by an 80 year old man. If this is new, uncharacteristic behavior for him (which it sounds like it may be), then it’s a genuine mental health concern. It sucks to have to tell about it, but how much more would it suck if he did something to his granddaughter or somebody else? He could also conceivably be a danger to himself or others if he gets confused while driving or something.

When you tell your aunt, I think you should be careful to say that you think it’s a change in his behavior. That you haven’t seen him act that way before, ask if he’s shown any other erratic behavior, basically frame it in terms of concern, not accusation – that you think he wasn’t acting like himself, not that you think he’s secretly a sleazeball.

20

What amount of money would be worth finding out that he had molested others?