Yes, pick this one small detail out of the whole story to concentrate on, to make me feel like as bad a person as possible for not wanting to deal with this. Thank you for your help.
Have you ever been alone with him before? If so, how was his behavior? I agree with others that this could be a personality change resulting from oncoming dementia.
This is the thing that makes me reluctant to assign blame to dementia. I don’t recall ever being alone with him, with my aunt not at least being in the house, or the yard, or just down at the pool. So, in my view, he went for it the second he was alone with me with no chance of being caught immediately. Did he lie in wait for this for ten years, or does he have dementia? I don’t know.
Were we supposed to ignore the fact that you brought it up as a factor in your decision?
I completely understand not wanting to tell. You don’t think you’re protecting him, you think you’re protecting your aunt. Having to tell is horrible and I don’t envy you. Just remember, you didn’t do anything wrong and you aren’t doing anything wrong now, trying to figure it all out.
In the end you have to do something though, right? It’s going to become obvious anyway when you stop going over and bringing your children.
Sorry you have to deal with this.
It’s not something to focus on. This was to be a big part of my future and the future of my children as well. It’s not the main motivator for any decision, but I’d be pretty foolish to not look at it as a factor. We’re not talking about a small sum of money here.
A couple of thoughts that will probably get me roasted, but nonetheless:
He’s 80 years old and from a generation where this kind of inappropriate sort of grope wasn’t completely unheard of. I’ve never watched Mad Men but wasn’t there a thread or something regarding just this topic?
How really egregious is a boob squeeze anyway? Yes, there’s no way I would do this, and if I did my intentions would be obvious. But I don’t think the intentions of an 80 year old man are the same. He no doubt thought he was just having a “little fun” and is completely oblivious to the potential harm this sort of grope-age can cause.
Frankly, I would brush it off as the actions of a dirty old man from a previous generation and leave it at that.
I know everyone’s going to disagree, but it is another perspective on the situation.
The more I think about it, the more I see that things have already changed. I hate hate hate this- these people are a big support to me, and we were** happy**. But obviously, things have changed, no matter what I do now. So I guess I might as well tell. Ugh.
I’m sorry, but I think it’s pretty foolish to look at it as a factor at all. Frankly, the idea that any amount of money is worth protecting a molester is, well, offensive.
If it’s really about the money, and he disinherits you, take him to court and sue him civilly for infliction of emotional distress.
But don’t let money be any kind of factor in reporting sexual molestation.
I have looked at it from this angle as well. And you’re right- in the big scheme of things, this isn’t that big of a deal. So why do I feel so fucking disgusted? I literally feel sick to my stomach about it.
And thus, my question.
If it weren’t for the money, would you hesitate as much? Would you give as much credence to the theory that it might be dementia?
If you wish to give something of substance to your children, maybe a sense of self-worth that cannot be bought would be a better gift.
Because it is that big of a deal. He touched you inappropriately, not just once, but twice (once in the car and again at the house).
He’s a married man, married to your aunt, but he thinks it’s either okay or funny to grab your breast? And comment on it?
It’s disgusting. That’s why you feel disgusted. He violated your person, for g-d’s sake!
Or not. Blow the whistle.
I think this is sound advice. At 80 he may be sick in a way that’s not lecherous but was merely expressed that way.
Yes, I would hesitate just as much. My main concern of telling is destroying my relationship with my aunt, or even just being the source of disturbance in her perfect nice life.
Because you feel betrayed. That’s how it feels for everyone this happens to. And you’re an adult woman who can take care of yourself. Think of how it would feel if you were a kid, and this was your trusted grandfather.
The money has no valid moral consideration at all.
You have no idea how perfectly nice her life is, if she is being silent for the same reasons you are. How do you think she would feel if he got caught doing worse to another person, and then she found out that you kept silent?
^^This^^
But I think you already know that. But right now you’re dealing with all kinds of emotions, not to be discounted is a broken heart. Your sadness for what your children may lose is understandable.
But it still should not be a consideration in reporting a molester.
You’ve already said the money is a factor. Now you’re saying it isn’t?
Sigh. It’s a small factor. It’s by far not the main motivator, but it is something that I have to consider, as part of the repercussions I may face. That is the only reason I mentioned it- like, “well, there goes family dinner at Thanksgiving, summer days at the pool watching my kids swim, and my inheritance.” Not something that would ever keep me from doing the right thing, and if you knew me you’d know that, but it definitely could be used against me.