There are molesters, and then there are molesters. There is a difference between a previously well behaved octogenarian who is now losing his inhibitions, and a baby raper. Best to speak with his wife to determine which, and then mitigate appropriately.
I second this.
Alice is processing what happened and deciding what to do about it. She made the mistake of hashing it out here on the Dope, where everyone’s motivations are as pure as the driven snow, all dilemmas have clear-cut incontestable answers, and (not coincidentally) moral outrage has become an artform.
I think I understand why she mentioned the money, and I get why at first blush it’s both important and unimportant. The money exists, and she’s understood it to be a part of her future and her children’s future. It’s understandable that she’d be thinking about the ramifications of telling her family what happened, and the fact of the inheritence takes the clusterfuck from purely interpersonal to legal. There are whole ripple effects from this kind of thing. It’s perfectly NORMAL AND OK to think these things through – not as a determining factor in what she’ll do, but in order to foresee the consequences. She is not morally deficient for thinking about it.
In theory, money shouldn’t come into something like this. But in real life, I think things are complicated and it’s hard to rock your whole world (and a relative’s) when something happens t hat you do have the option of ignoring.
I don’t know what I’d do in this situation. Either way, Alice, you have my sympathies, and I wish you the best. I’ve always liked your posts, and I hope this turns out as well as it can for you.
You took what I was trying to say, and said it better. Thank you.
On behalf of everyone who’s been molested and was not in a position to defend themselves, as you are, and everyone whose molestation could have been prevented if only someone had spoken up sooner, I beg you: please, please, please tell.
I can only reiterate what others have said:
I think it’s highly probable that, regardless of whether he’s becoming demented or has just been sleazy all along, he will molest others, and may well have already done so. If you’ve known and trusted him for ten years, I’m no expert, but it seems more likely than not that this is indeed dementia-related. But the reason doesn’t matter, because your goal here is to keep this from happening again.
That said, your aunt will be much more likely to listen to you if you couch this in terms of your concern for his mental health. I do think you should be clear about exactly what happened; you don’t have to go into gory detail, but do tell her that he did and said some sexually inappropriate things. And stress that this shocked you because you have grown to trust him “like family”. If you say anything less specific - even if you say emphatically that he was “acting *very *out of character” - she’ll probably interpret that as something much more innocuous. I think your aunt needs to understand the gravity of the situation, for the sake of both her husband and anyone else he might molest.
Again, regardless of the reason he did this, it’s much better your aunt hears about it now, from you, than later, from some other woman, or worse, from her grandaughter or another child. If she doesn’t believe you now, then at least she will be more inclined to believe it if someone else does tell her the same thing later on.
And if she doesn’t believe you - and you’re right, she may well not - I think your best course of action is to stick to your guns. If she invites you to dinner or whatever, reiterate that you’re not comfortable being alone with him, and that it’s not a personal grudge but rather concern for his well-being. I know that in reality, you may have exactly zero concern for him, and may be convinced that he knew exactly what he was doing. And you may be right. But that’s not the tack to take with your aunt, if you want her on your side. Even if she does nothing now, if you express concern rather than anger, it will make it harder for her to blow you off, and less likely that she’ll blame you, especially if she begins to see other odd behaviors.
The point is, you’re not hurting her “perfect life” by telling her this; you’re actually helping her preserve it. You’re warning her that her “perfect life” is in danger if she doesn’t do something. Whether that danger is her husband losing his faculties or him to going to jail for molesting someone else, she is in a position to help prevent it now.
I’m not sure I understand why you’re focusing on telling your aunt about it, what would that fix?
The best course of action here would have been to stand up to him in the moment and say out loud and to his face “EW, that’s gross, you can’t touch me like that”.
Sometimes people who have dealt with this kind of abuse in their childhood don’t realize that they can do that, but you totally can.
Since you didn’t do that then, go back and do it now. Brave up and go over there and tell him I didn’t like the way you touched me the other day and if you ever do it again I’ll deck you.
Even if he doesn’t validate your feelings by apologizing and promising to never do it again (which he probably won’t) and even if he tells you you’re crazy and it never happened (which he probably will) you can still stand up for yourself and set your own boundaries.
Telling your aunt creates more drama, speaking honestly and directly to him reduces the drama and puts an end to the problem.
Thirded.
He sounds like he may be in the early stages of an age related mental condition. Bring it up frankly, and find out what is going on. I also agree with Leaffan that copping a feel isn’t the worst thing in the world to have happened. I would think that as a mature woman, and him elderly she would assume a mental condition and act accordingly before assuming he’s a serial molester.
Thank you for giving me this new perspective- you’re right.
moejoe, if it’s dementia as posters above have suggested, then the aunt does need to know.
And even if it isn’t, and the guy is just a sleaze, I don’t know that it’s just as easy as telling the person off.
And you, too, make some good points. I’ve considered confronting him directly about it, and that may be what I do about it. Although, it will be very, very hard for me to do it.
I couldn’t disagree more. You have no idea whether or not he has done this before or will do it again, and you cannot know how he would react if confronted directly. Speaking from personal experience, if I had tried that with my molester, he would have taken it as a threat and would have directly threatened me and/or ruined my reputation with the rest of the family. Even if your scenario goes exactly as planned, the aunt is still living with a molester, and the molester is free to molest and intimidate others.
Telling him off will not cure his dementia (if it’s there), and not stop him from molesting others, regardless of what causes it.
That’s it in a nutshell. I did speak “honestly and directly”, and suffice it to say, it did not in any way reduce the drama or put an end to the problem.
If he’s got dementia, then the aunt needs to know for his sake.
If he’s a sleazeball, then the aunt needs to know for her own sake, and the sake of anyone else he tries it with.
ETA: Or, what Dio said.
There are forms of dementia that cause people to lose their inhibitions and self control (frontal lobe atrophy). There are biological problems that are easy to fix, often wiht no other sign, that can cause temporary confusion or dementia-like symptoms, e.g. urinary tract infections, electrolyte imbalances.
If you want to preserve goodwill, approach his wife from the health concern aspect, and ask insistently that he go see his GP. You can say that you are acting out of concern for his well being, and that you [air-finger-quote] know [/air-finger-quote] he would never do this if he were well.
If he is really unwell, he gets the treatment he needs. If he’s fine and was just being a dirty ol’ perv, he still gets a message that consequences ensue if he pulls another move like that. Either way, he gets what he needs, and you come our smelling like a rose-scented loving niece.
-trupa, o*nly son whose 84yr old mom invented an evil twin brother who was the mean son who made her quit smoking. *
I just wanted to say good luck to Alice the Goon. It is so hard to know what to do in a situation like this.
I was molested by two different people as a teen. It was essentially at the same level as the OP - extremely mild forms of touching, above the clothes, but both by people I was supposed to be able to trust.
I am eternally grateful they never went any further - and one had the opportunity - but I didn’t know what to do then and I still don’t know what I should have done. I should have told, that is easy to say in the cold light of rationality. Sure.
Hang in there, Alice.
Neither of these are Alice’s responsibility to fix. Let’s not lay the whole of the world’s problems on the victim here, those other issues can be resolved separately if indeed those problems even exist.
If we’re looking for horses and not zebras then it’s most likely an old coot who thought he could get away with copping a quick feel. If that’s the case then this is no different than a friend’s husband making a pass at a dinner party, and in that situation the best response is not to go tell his wife but to firmly tell him to knock it off.
You don’t think a friend’s husband making a pass at a friend is a big deal?
Don Draper? Is that you? That’s pretty much exactly how Don handled the situation in Mad Men.
Now in days we do a little more than firmly telling the guy to knock it off.
I think it’s a problem, sure, but I don’t think the solution is to go tell the wife.
It’s not my job to save their marriage, or to make sure she knows what kind of guy she’s married to, or to make sure he never makes a pass at any of her other friends. My only responsibility is to make sure he knows that it’s not ok to make a pass at me.
The rest of it just isn’t my business.