No one’s saying it’s her responsibility to fix those issues, even if she could (and she can’t). If either or both of those problems exist, it’s her aunt who will have to deal with them. But in order for her aunt to *find out *if those problems do indeed exist, she needs to hear about what happened.
I’ve known a good number of old coots, and I’m happy to say that there have been only a few who did something like this. In a few cases, it was dementia, in another, perversion. For these guys, it was totally out of character. There were also one or two who were just dirty old men and thought they could get away with it, but it was obvious that was the case, because it was not at all out of character for them.
This is a guy Alice has known - and trusted - for ten years, and he’s elderly. To me, that’s enough reason to broach the subject. Certainly not proof he’s a zebra, but reason to suspect he might not be a horse.
“Aunt Joan, Uncle Harold was getting really randy with me the other day. He squeezed my boob if you must know. And I thought you’d want to know. First, because it’s got me kind of upset, but also because I want to make sure you take him to a doctor because this is the first time he’s ever done something like this to me and personality changes are one of the early signs of dementia.”
You divulge what needs to be divulged.
You don’t accuse.
FWIW, my friend’s FIL, who she shared a really good relationship with for over 20 years, lived with her and her family through his earlier stages of Alzheimers. Things deteriorated slowly, including one naked jaunt through the neighborhood. But the day he disrobed and got in the shower with her (calling her his dead wife’s name) was the day they made the final decision to put him into a nursing home.
Nope, she does not have a responsibility to do anything other than take care of herself. Obviously she can make a decision to inform, but she certainly doesn’t have a responsibility to do so.
Dementia isn’t something that can be hidden from a spouse, nor is being a chronic molester. If one of these issues is happening Alice is by no means the only one who suspects or has the ability to take action to resolve the problem.
I think it’s unkind, unfair and completely unsupportive to assume that Alice would be shirking some kind of universal responsibility here if she only took the steps necessary to protect herself from future abuse.
I also disagree. None of us are here on our own. We do have responsibilities to each other. It isn’t Alice’s responsibility to “fix” this matter all on her own, but I say that she (like all adult victims, and all parents of child victims) does have some responsibility to do something about it. In the particular case, with no other witnesses, unfortunately nobody else can take any of it on for her–until she talks to the aunt.
Looking out only for oneself means acquiescing to the presence of a molester in the community.
Of course it’s unfair. There’s nothing fair about such situations. It’s unfair that people are victimized in the first place.
Alice has received a flood of support here, and has mine.
And mine as well. My only point has been that it can be difficult for some people in this situation to understand that it’s ok to put their own needs first, that they don’t have to consider the needs of others before their own.
Alice-I hope I haven’t upset you with my posts, my only intention was to help you feel empowered to take care of yourself.
Best wishes to you and I’m sorry you went through this.
Even though the advice here is very diverse and some at odds with others, I do want to voice that I am so appreciative of* all *of it. It’s good to get differing viewpoints, even if I don’t agree with them. And most of all, I appreciate the support, which I suspect would still be here no matter what decision I make. I won’t see my aunt for at least a week, so I have plenty of time to process this and make a decision of what to do. Thanks especially to those that popped in just to feel me, so to speak.
ETA: I think what bothers me the most about the whole thing is the thought- when in the hell will I not have to worry about this kind of thing? Once I grew up, I thought, hey now I’m a grown woman, and nobody can ever touch my body again without my permission. When does this end, when I’m dead? Some pervert will be copping a feel as I lay in my coffin, I guess. Fuck.
I’m not trying to jump on the dogpile regarding this but why do you deserve to inherit any of his money? I think you’re acting like it’s your money.
That being said, I’m going to take the exact same stance I did in the thread where the OP’s friend’s husband was molesting her and potentially molesting children: You’ve got to tell. If you love your aunt at all you have a moral obligation to tell. Even if there’s going to be a resulting shitstorm and her life will be ruined you still have that obligation.
Sorry that you had to go through this. Wish you luck with whatever course you take.
I’d consider what the mental health counselor had to say. If it is a sign of mental deterioration, then you can bring it up with your aunt and even then you don’t need mention too much detail about the particulars if you don’t want to upset her.
If it is or isn’t a sign of mental deterioration, you can protect the grandchild by letting her parents know what happened. Is the uncle a blood relative to (one of) the parents of the grandchild, or is he a stepfather to them? If you can protect the kid without mentioning this to your aunt or uncle again, that might be an option. These elements will determine how much of risk you are putting the inheritance at, and I do not fault you for taking that into consideration.
I vote for dementia. It’s pretty common for people with dementia to do sexually inappropriate stuff like this unfortunately.
You should tell the aunt in a non-accusing way to express that she should be on the lookout for more dementia warning signs and talk to his doctor about it.
Ugh. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, Alice. Here’s hoping your aunt is receptive and whatever this is gets nipped in the bud with the least amount of pain to all involved*.
Edit: *well, to you, your aunt, and other innocent parties, anyway
It’s only been one day and change. I don’t think he should get away with it either, but I certainly understand the need for time to think about it. Give her a break!
In the meantime, Alice, who is taking care of you? Who do you have that you can lean on, who will put an arm around your shoulder and shake a fist at the heavens for your sake?
Go find them. Tell them what’s going on, and get the emotional support you need. Whatever decision you make, it’s a difficult one, and following through with it will be even more so. The support of a friend or family member makes it survivable.
My friends are awesome. Most of them understand that for me, talking is processing is healing, and they allow me to do that as much as I need to. Plus they’re mostly women, so they totally understand how this feels and what to say. I went to lunch with a friend today, and ranted quite a bit about it, and feel ever so much better. Oddly enough, she agrees with my initial reaction to not say anything.
I can’t talk to my aunt for another few days about it, but I’ve decided against going into detail, and just letting her know that his behavior was inappropriate and I’m “concerned” about his “health”. There’s really nothing I’d like better than for her to stick his pervy old ass in a home- he would hate that.
Having watched, and currently in the process of watching, several people who have had dementia and Alzheimer’s take their life, I don’t think what happened is a simple as labeling someone a molester.
From what I’ve seen, when someone’s mind starts to go in old age their thinking about sexuality changes. People that never talked about anything sexual may start to talk about it. Men in care facilities imagine that all the women, including the staff, are trying to seduce them. Women will get very catty and gossipy about imagined behavior of other women.
It is often said that “senility” causes one to regress to childhood. As Muffin said, “There are molesters, and then there are molesters.” If there has never been any indication that he has been a serial molester than you might want to take a delicate approach rather than burning down the farm. If I were to place a bet, I would say that he always liked you, may have felt some lust for you in the past, and now his deteriorating mind is telling him that you are making yourself available to him.
One, make sure that you are never alone with him. Two, you can talk to your aunt in very coded terms. “I got a little worried because Chester the Molester tried to get a little too close to me. Is he going through a stage?” (Don’t be angry or accusatory. Act as if it was no big deal even if it was to you.) See how she reacts before proceeding. She may tell you more than you thought she knew. She may start to tell you how he’s been acting differently lately and life with him is more difficult and she doesn’t know why. Then you can deal with it woman to woman rather than as someone who is attacking her husband and threatening her life.
Bottom line, you weren’t physically damaged as in a rape or a beating. If a copped feel can ruin your life, no matter how disgusting you may find it, you are not going to get far in this demanding world if that will traumatize you. A lot worse shit happens. Learn to recognize it, avoid it and move on. Don’t let it become an obsession. That doesn’t mean the you have become an enabler but it’s best to walk cautiously.
From what I’ve seen the senility, dementia, Alzheimer’s is a horrible thing. People don’t want to be that way, it’s something that grips and controls their lives. It starts well before it is diagnosed. What you may have experienced is an early sign.
