Dear Valued Tim Horton’s Customer,
Now that the Spring weather is upon us, the Downy Woodpecker is tap-tap-tapping at the boles of the trees, and all you loyal coffee drinkers are once again converging at our tills.
Of course, as happy little food-service drones, our joy in life is to satisfy you, our Valued Customer. We will smile, we will simper, we will put both feet behind our heads and walk around on our hands for you.
But there are a few things you, Valued Customer, can do for us to make things run a little more smoothly. Oh no, you say, certainly we are all-powerful, and all you have to do is show up and we will just hand you your meal like your mommy did before sending you off to school every morning of your childhood. But unfortunately for both of us, we cannot read your minds.
No, dear VC, no one at TDL Inc., Tim Horton’s, or any of its subsidiaries owns a patent on ESP, telepathy or any other kind of psychic communication.
When you order your coffee, please tell us which size. Since this is a fast food joint, we will not waste time asking you more than twice. After that, we will hand you a medium. Please do not regard us as if we just handed you a rotting rat carcass. It’s your own damn fault for not paying attention.
We build coffees from the ground up. This means that we serve them black unless YOU say otherwise. Just because a coffee with cream and sugar is CALLED regular, does not mean “the way we regularly serve it”. I don’t know why it’s called regular. It just is.
Therefore, it follows that you should tell us what you DO want in your coffee, not what you don’t want. DO NOT say “cream, no sugar” because if we are wearing a headset and have hearing in only one ear, and are standing in front of the storefront oven, with its famed Fan Of A Thousand Decibels, we may very well hear “cream, one sugar”, and serve you that regular coffee we supposedly give to everybody.
Also, a coffee that has sugar in it is not black. A coffee with nothing in it is black. If you want sugar but not cream, just say that you want sugar. End of sentence.
There is no such thing as a “plain” donut. Not where I work, anyway. If you say you want a plain donut and we say “old-fashioned plain or sour cream plain?” please don’t bug your eyes out at us like you’re having an apopleptic fit and turn all red and say; " A PLAIN DONUT!!!". We don’t need that shit from you. We work here. We know what we’re talking about and obviously you don’t. So either smarten the fuck up about our product, or let us gently guide you towards making a choice you’ll be happy with.
Lastly, you are not the Emperor Of The World. Everyone knows that He frequents MacDonald’s, not Timmy’s. When you walk up to the till, you are very important to us. However, there is no way you can be our absolute only concern 100% of the time. So if we ask you to reiterate part of your order because we couldn’t find the button on the till/we got deafening interference on our headset/we dropped boiling coffee grounds on our pant leg, please have the decency to NOT roll your eyes and sigh like a put-upon fishwife. This is especially infuriating if you are a 300-pound bearlike gentleman in a lumberjack coat or an Eddie Bauer 3-piece. Honestly, it makes you look like an 11-year old whose ass is still being wiped by his mother. Get over your fucking self.
And finally, flush the goddamn urinal, you fucking orange-pissed slobs.
Thank you for your patronage,
Your Faithful Timmy’s JavaJockey
