Normally I would agree. I’m from the The Netherlands, officially one of the world’s bluntest nations, and am not normally given to hints and guessing games. I agree that in a relationship it is usually best discuss things openly so that everyone knows where they stand and what is and isn’t expected.
But some things just really do only work if they other party remembers it, as remembering you care is part of the gift. I mean, you would probably want your SO to remember your birthday, right? Rather than notifying them that on x day it will be your birthday and you would like a surprise gift? Doesn’t work, does it? Telling someone to get you a card for Valentine’s day, which BTW is exactly what I did last year, is like buying a card for yourself.
P.s. The BF loves me and shows this in many ways. There really isn’t a problem except that I like Valentine’s day whereas he has a complete blind spot about it.
Its got nothing to do with remembering, its impossible to NOT know what day it is. If you’ve never told him that Valentines day is important to you then there is nothing to remember. His blind spot is not about memory its about lack of knowledge about something that’s important to you that you have not told him about. I bet if you asked him why he didn’t get you anything his answer would be “i didn’t know you cared” not “i forgot what day it was”.
I agree with Pookah, having to tell your SO exactly what to do for V day takes all the fun out of it. V day is about celebrating your love for your SO. If you’re just going through the steps of a checklist your SO made for you, telling you exactly what to do, that doesn’t mean much, does it?
I’ve always been more of a “it’s the thought that counts” kind of person. I would be happier with take-out and a thoughtful card, absent any prodding whatsoever, than an elaborate romantic gesture that preceeded by explicit, step by step instructions from me any day of the week. If I’ve got to tell my SO exactly what I want, I might as well just go out and buy myself a gift, buy my own card and sign it my damn self too.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: if I have to tell you exactly what I want, that means you’re not putting any thought into it. If you’re not putting any thought into it, it’s meaningless to me. The act of my SO sitting down and taking some time to think about what I might enjoy is the real gift, not the gift itself. I enjoy sitting down and thinking about what my SO might enjoy for a special occasion. I don’t understand why, just because he’s male, he shouldn’t be expected to do the same for me.
Try the golden rule version. Do for him what you would like him to do for you.
And while I’m behind you not having to tell him exactly what to do, you do need to tell him that it’s important. But you can do that by “casually” mentioning it a lot. It’s still his choice on how he’s going to respond. It’s not like you’re saying “Do this, or else.”
But, if all else fails, go ahead and tell him. Sure, it means that the following Valentines day won’t be as special. But, in the long run, you will be happier with him knowing what you expect.
Just to clarify things: this is not the first year we’re together. He has been told in the past that I would like a card. No, I didn’t give him the “I feel forlorn like Charlie Brown” sob story, but it is not like he has no idea at all. Problem is, there’s a whole year between each Valentine’s day.
Also, I don’t quite get the idea that Valentine’s day is for women. Maybe on average women are more into receiving pink teddies and chocolate but I would/do actually really enjoy getting something for him. Which is another thing that becomes tricky, because it makes it awkward if he forgets.
Then again, who knows what he is planning. It’s is not as yet given that he’s forgotten.
This morning I tried to “solve” the problem. I sent my husband this e-mail, in typical Dutch blunt style.
"Honey, sunday the fourteenth is Valentines day. I don’t expect anything in the way of gifts, and have nothing planned for you. So as far as I’m concerned, we have a regular night.
But…
I would like it if you and I could get around to clearing out the home office this weekend. Do you see any chance of that?
Also, do YOU have any wishes in return for anything special? "
I don’t see anything wrong with checking/reminding each year. Maybe it’s because I’m descended from “blunt Dutch” people.
Each year, my husband and I do a “anything different you want to do?” checkup for Valentine’s and for birthdays, but we also do it for anything else that’s kind of traditional for us, like certain vacations. In fact, last night, since it’s on a Sunday and thus not my typical post-workday ‘walk home from the train station and pick up a few things’ habit, he asked if I wanted to go downtown and have brunch at a particular spot that will probably be playing live jazz. It’s not uncommon for us to go downtown on a weekend, or go out to eat on a Sunday, but we haven’t been to that place in a while so it should be nice.
Part of a relationship is just this, reminding each other of the things YOU might like. And I’ll say, “this year for valentine’s day I don’t want anything, but a card might be nice,” and we’ve been together for 13 years, and I still say it.
This year I actually asked for something - a gadget*. I reminded him again this weekend. I could just go out and get the gadet for myself but it gives him something to get me.
*I find I really like those keychain USB photo holders. A lot. So I asked for one.
Oh, for pity’s sake, if your sweetheart wanted a card badly enough to tell you to buy her a damn card already last year, you can pretty much take it as a given that she would also like one this year. It’s not like it’s some bizarre, obscure desire that only surfaces once in a blue moon and you would never think of without direct prodding. There have been displays of cards and candy and stuffed animals and perfume and heart-printed lingerie in every store in America since a couple days after Christmas, it happens on the same day every year, and wanting some small acknowledgment of the day is pretty much the default setting for women. You really oughtn’t have to tell a man directly that you’d like something so small as a card, and you sure as shit shouldn’t have to tell him over and over and over again–for something so common and simple, once really ought to be plenty.
And I don’t know where people are getting that the OP’s fellow has no idea what she wants–she’s said over and over and over again that she explicitly told him last year that she wanted a card. Let me bold it for those of you who are obviously not listening: The OP has TOLD him explicitly that she wants a card.
And Digital Stimulus, I think it’s only fair for women to put as much effort into that holiday as their SO’s put into Valentine’s Day. Which means 90% of the men I know are getting a trip to McDonald’s and a peck on the cheek.
Well, she had to tell him last year. She acknowledged that she doesn’t know what he’s going to do this year.
Plus I think the conversation is drifting beyond the OP’s situation into other people’s own experiences and preferences, which is hardly a first for this place.
CrazyCatLady is totally right. Why should you have to tell your SO EVERY YEAR that you want a card on Valentines day? That’s like being expected to ASK for a birthday card every year, which would be appalling to me. It’s pretty much a give-in that when it’s your SO’s bday, you buy them a card. If you’re expecting something elaborate and out of the ordinary, that’s one thing. But if you’re just expecting the standard card and dinner or card and some candy (available anywhere you look in any store you go into at least 2 months in advance) you really shouldn’t have to shout it from the rooftops.
I think a lot of this “well, you’ve got to TELL US what you want, we’re not mind readers!” is an attempt to justify laziness.
My vote is for one serious conversation on this topic, but at some other time of the year. This year, be cheerful and know that he loves you whatever happens on Valentines day. Then, sometime when you’re both calm and have time for a conversation, have a general conversation about what’s really important to each of you about how you show affection. Include this in that conversation. Tell him about the Charlie Brown thing! If he doesn’t get the point after that, you’ve identified a real incompatibility, which you can weigh against his other charms. (Who wouldn’t want to cheer up Charlie Brown on Valentine’s Day?)
Not to roil the waters or anything, but I feel the need to mention that my wife gets a bit pissed off if I even joke about doing something for Valentine’s Day. She abhors the pre-packaged nature of it. (I just tonight tried – as a confirmational test – and she threatened me with physical violence.) Though I’ll also say that she very much appreciates the random times I bring home flowers or somesuch for her.
Last year we went out for a nice dinner and exchanged presents. It was our first Valentine’s together.
This year he’s away for a family emergency. I think he’s forgotten (I certainly would have in his situation) so I’ll surprise him with a nice dinner when he gets home the day after. If he’s lucky I won’t be wearing anything either.
It’s a terribly comercialized holiday, but there’s no reason not to do something nice for each other on that day. It’s ironic that it becomes a source of stress and/or conflict for some couples though.
Knew a girl in high school/college.
She would tell her boyfriend(s) “Don’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day.”
So they didn’t.
Come Valentines Day, when they arrived with nothing, she would break into tears and then break up with them.
Curiosity hit me and I asked one of her girlfriends.
The “real” story:
Her father always made Valentines Day a special day for his daughter - the whole shebang - chocolates, flowers, going out to dinner, etc.
Then her father committed suicide and daughter walked in shortly before he died.
Needless to say, a major trauma.
Thus the “don’t” but desire for “please” do something on Valentines Day.
As a public service, I warned her last boyfriend about this story.
He showed up with chocolates, flowers and took her to dinner.
They eventually got married.
True story.
For my SO and I? Nada…we both feel it is a stupid day to celebrate - too crowded to go out, too overpriced, etc. A true “non holiday” if there ever was one.
Card. Candy. A flower. All available at any grocery store or drugstore. Or takeout food. A bottle of wine. All fairly inexpensive, not requiring reservations, not requiring fighting to stay upright in a deranged mob of partygoers, not requiring “mind reading” or plane tickets or the purchase of a diamond ring. What is it, I wonder, that’s SO difficult to grasp?
And that’s probably a lot of the reason she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Valentine’s Day, because you regularly do that kind of stuff for her at other parts of the year. Sadly, that makes you somewhat of a rare specimen–I know exactly one woman in real life who gets little romantic gestures like that on any sort of regular basis outside of their anniversary and Valentine’s Day. There are lots of little expressions of caring, but mostly the kind of stuff you’d do for your parents or kids or friends just as readily as for your sweetheart. It’s easy to poo-poo crass, commercialized, socially expected romance when you have an abundance of non-commercial spontaneous romance in your life, but when the choice is between crass commercialized romance and none at all, crass and commercial suddenly doesn’t look so bad.
I think he’s forgotten (I certainly would have in his situation) so I’ll surprise him with a nice dinner when he gets home the day after. If he’s lucky I won’t be wearing anything either. 
