I disagree.
Being a vegan is a choice, and no one should be expected to accommodate that.
Also, only 4% of the population has an actual food allergy.
Your scenario is quite unlikely.
While your factoid is inconsistent with the actual data (according to that recent JAMA article it’s really about 11% with 19% believing they are) let’s just go with your figure. I’d say it like this:
Almost one in twenty adults have a real food allergy!!! (Again in reality over twice that.)
That means that at most reasonable dinner gatherings there is likely to be someone with a food allergy present.
No, the rest of the world shouldn’t have to go to extreme lengths to accommodate that but a host who knows of a food allergy (or even a strongly held food belief) that an invited guest has and can’t be arsed to make a tiny effort to provide to an acceptable option is not the sort of host I was taught to be by my parents anyway.
Thank you. Your data is more up to date than mine.
That said, I see no reason to accommodate mere “food beliefs”.
If you are hosting a dinner party during which you intend to feed your guests, you should certainly take said guests’ dietary restrictions into account, and serve everybody something they are able to eat.
However, what you described in the OP sounds more like an informal pot-luck type of gathering, and indeed, if SIL is the only person not bringing a dish, she has no right to complain about the offerings.
Of course, that doesn’t mean she won’t complain, and and if she does, my advice is to be very pleasant and polite, smile a lot, and offer to open a can of beans or something for her. Don’t apologize but don’t escalate either. Not worth it.
As if I should care, and I don’t know the family so my comments are a shot in the dark, but as I understand it, you have a guest who is a vegetarian and is working on the day in question. Is she expected to bring food to the party? (Bought or made, main or dessert.) That apart, I would have thought that most people nowadays have dietary preferences or requirements that differ from the norm. If I had visitors who were vegetarians, I would arrange to provide a vegetarian main dish, guaranteed non-meat. It’s not difficult.
Beyond that, families can be turbulent enough, so why not figure out a way to defuse the situation at a family gathering? Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.
Yes, being a vegan is a choice. So is hosting a party. The polite thing to do is accommodate the people invited.
This is slightly different from the OP, but still related.
I work in a cafe located in the public library. The place is not part of the library but a seperate, for-profit business. Our arrangement with the library is that all events scheduled in-house that want food have to order from us, but we cannot cater off-premises.
So many people who order do not seem to understand we are a business, not a public utility. When they order catering for a dinner, we are told one attendee is vegan, one vegetarian, another gluten free, and so on. They are told to eat the salad, veggies, or whatever part of what is ordered fits the particular diet. But some still want full seperate meals for all these, and do not understand why we can not accomodate them. For one thing it costs extra, which they do not want to pay for. Folks just do not understand the economics of food service.
We provide as much as we can to fit special diets but sometimes those ordering get testy when they do not think it is enough.
Folks who say they are hyper sensitive, and are vegan, gluten free, and allergic to this and that, mostly can eat only simple veggies, but they expect us to go out and find more appealing options.
And do not get me started on sugar free. We have tried selling sugar free options and almost nobody buys them. There is one lady who still gets pissy when she comes in and can not get sugar free. Then she goes ahead and buys two cookies.
I agree – what’s an entrée or a side is pretty arbitrary. The only distinction I’d consider relevant is whether the dish contains some form of protein – but even that is pretty arbitrary.
The OP said that one family member was bringing a Greek salad. I’ve seen that listed as an entrée at more than one restaurant. I suspect the corn casserole is hearty enough to be called an entrée, too. So maybe the SIL can bring a casserole of macaroni and cheese – listed as an entrée in many restaurants and a side in many others. She can call it a side if she feels slighted that she’s the only one except the host family bringing an entrée, but eat it as her entrée.
What’s her brother bringing? He should definitely bring a dish. If he brings a dish of eggplant parmesan, problem solved – no?
Thanks to everybody who weighed in…much to, um, chew on, here. A couple of clarifications. Everyone brought a dish in a quantity to feed everyone. There was enough Greek salad for Odysseus and his crew for the whole voyage, enough twice-stuffed potatoes to alleviate the Irish famine, and 10 other dishes, each of which could (and has) constituted a meal in itself at chez Kropotkin. SIL didn’t tell her kids (20 and 21) about the dinner until the day before, that is, long after they had made other plans. She told her husband 2 days before, and told him she volunteered him to make ribs for everyone, insisting he use his smoker, which is a 4-6 hour commitment. It’s not brain surgery, but neither can you leave the premises. Said husband (my wife’s husband, I have no DNA in this game) works full time at a moderately high stress job, logs a lot of overtime, does most of the cleaning and shopping and at least half the cooking during the week. This is cheerfully related by the SIL, BTW. Oh, and if given the choice, would politely and cheerfully and respectfully decline to attend big family dinners of this sort. He cooked up a ton of delicious ribs. The other family member had already said, we’ll do ribs and chicken, but whatever.
SIL in announced the day before that she was going to go to a dinner put on by people at work instead.
To be clear, I’m not outraged, mostly thinking, “there’s something about this that is kinda weird,” and asked Dopers whether my shit-detector needs to recalibrated. 20 years ago it was vaguely amusing when SIL showed up at the family camping trip not with the food she’d offered to bring (milk for the kids and a salad) but with a bag of red peppers and no idea of what to do with them.This time, it was less amusing and more…kinda weird. I admit, my own family situation is complicated and may skew my judgement, thus I really appreciate people taking the time to comment and help with recalibration.
Oh, and several people noted it was one of the best dinners and most pleasant family get-togethers in recent memory. Even husband of SIL enjoyed himself and stayed much longer than usual. Hmm…
I disagree. A dinner party is not a restaurant. Guests don’t dictate the menu.
Well if you’re inviting people for a meal, and can’t be arsed to plan the menu to include items they can eat (and enjoy even!) then you’re a shit host.
It’s clear from your posts that you loathe this woman. I figure one of two things is true, either she really is a toxic human being and you’re all justified in being resentful of her presence in your family. Or she senses that her entire husband’s family hates her and it makes for a feedback loop of awkward family gatherings that end up making her behavior more inexplicable as she struggles to deal with the underlying hostility. I don’t know. I suppose both are equally plausible.
What’s clear is that this situation has nothing to do with vegetarians and proper dinner party etiquette.
I disagree. If you invite someone over, IMO, you’re expected to cater not just to his food restrictions, but also to his preferences.
Thing is, nowadays, there isn’t anymore the strict etiquette, that, in the past, would allow everybody to know what is expected of them, and whether they should feel slighted or not. Which means that both parties can walk out feeling wronged because they have entirely different views and expectations about what is a proper behavior and what isn’t.
So, there’s no way to tell which of us is right and whether you’re a poor host or I’m a poor guest.
Seems to me the menu included vast quantities of things a vegetarian can eat and enjoy.
The fact that vegetarian friendly foods were not prepared by the person who owned the property the dinner took place in, does not make them shit hosts. From the initial description of the event, this was an all-hands dinner, with the “guests” providing substantial portions of the menu. In that case, the “host” should at most be responsible for ensuring that of the totality of the food being offered, that a sufficient portion accommodate the vegetarian’s needs, and I believe that was done.
I totally agree. I do this all the time for my vegetarian daughter. But the last time a FOAF mentioned she was vegan and I told her I could toss a veggie burger on the grill, that wasn’t good enough. She wanted the grill scrubbed and her vegan item cooked solo. I told her that wouldn’t happen, so she begged off.
Yeah, you’re absolutely justified. But your justified anger isn’t hurting the target of your wrath.
The oldest boy’s girlfriend is vegan, and he came home from college with her. We tried at Thanksgiving, but the delicious dish we prepared for her (I don’t even remember what it was now–something with yams, maybe) had cheese in it, so she couldn’t eat it. We felt so bad, even though we had literally two days notice, but she was a sweetheart about the whole thing.
But we got on the ball for Christmas. Found a couple of good vegan recipes she liked. Also found some microwavable vegan snacks (“chicken” nuggets and Swedish “meatballs”) that she could munch on if she got hungry for something else.
It’s never crossed my mind to suggest that the kids bring something for the table, but it sounds like a good idea for next Thanksgiving. Even if he’s not with her then, he should learn to make the effort.
I’m confused. The vegetarian brought ribs?
This question (reworded a bit) has appeared in Carolyn Hax, for anyone who wants to read her (or WaPo readers) opinions on it.
I’m not registering and paying to read the article. Paraphrase or sample quotes?
I’m lactose intolerant. So much food, particularly at holidays, has butter or milk or cheese or…
Anyway, I don’t expect others to cook special for me and in fact it’s often more annoying when people make a big deal about my issues. Just make what you make and I’ll bring my own food, pick the things I can eat, or heaven forbid maybe I just don’t eat much if anything. Surely the world will collapse around me. I can almost always find something and I’m my own responsibility.
I have food issues. It’s up to me to cater to those when I’m the odd man out. Your SIL needs to get over herself. Her happiness is up to her and noone else.