I like to host meals, and I pride myself in providing food everyone can enjoy. The vegan gluten-free dessert was a challenge. (I made fruit salad.) The only time I bailed on providing a full meal for everyone was when my vegan friend also needed food to be kosher for passover. She offered to bring her own entree, and I said, “yes, thanks.”
When I’ve hosted a wedding or bar mitzvah for scores of people, I made sure the vegetarians and vegans were accommodated. Also the people with various food sensitivities.
I’m also a picky eater, and I often have to “forage” at parties, and if it’s a potluck, I make sure to bring something I can eat if I don’t like the food there.
All that being said:
This.
You know, this really rubbed me the wrong way:
My husband has decided that vegetarian is healthy, and we probably eat vegan suppers twice a week. (And I rarely eat meat except at supper.) So yeah, I have meat-free foods in my repertoire. But you know what? I like meat. Most of the other people I’m inviting like meat. If I’m serving dinner to 15 and there’s one vegetarian, I am NOT going to shape the whole meal around you. Sorry.
This mattered to a kosher friend. He suggested I put some aluminum foil between his item and the contaminated grill. Just a possibility for next time.
Hah, yes, I can’t help feeling that some of the problem may lie with the rest of SIL’s family if her part time job doesn’t leave her the time to prepare something.
This thread got much more traction than I had imagined. To respond to a few of the posts, SIL works a max of 12 hours a week, often less… Her husband (my wife’s brother) works a minimum of 40 hours, sometimes much more, and sometimes pulls shift work. He cooks half of the dinners, makes his own lunch for work. Their “kids” are 20 and 21 and going to university.
In an earlier thread, I noted that my wife and I are helping with their kids’ university costs, to the tune of about $10K a year. SIL spent nearly $3K on an MRI her doctor said was unnecessary. If it had been deemed necessary, the Medicare system would have covered it. SIL just announced to kids that they would have to pay more of their university costs this year, because she is insisting that her husband also go for private care MRI despite the doctor saying there is no reason for it.
SIL also adopted a rescue dog last year without talking to her family and has spent about $4K on dog shrinks, special diets, week long dog day cares because she (SIL) needed a break, and trainers. One of the kids is highly allergic to dogs.
It’s pretty clear something is really weird here, and neither my wife nor I have any idea what to do, except do our best to help the kids, both of whom work full time over the summer and part time during the school year. And rant on the SDMB. Thanks, folks, for the space and thoughts.
Have tried, delicately. Bit of the “frog in the slowly heating water” for everyone, intensified over the last year or two. BIL has been extremely stressed at work and we have mostly tried to cut all of them some slack as best we could but clearly, that wasn’t of any use.
You SIL sounds, um, difficult. It’s good of you to help the kids, but remember that they aren’t really your responsibility. And if she’s hurt by not having other people wait on her for the pot luck, oh well.
No, sometimes being a vegan isn’t a choice - my SCA friend Tibor has one of the genetic things where his body seriously overreacts to fats in food so he is on a no fat diet, and the best way to deal with that is being vegan as he is allergic to shellfish. For him, it is how he stays alive.
Me? Omniverous but seriously restricted when I go to random parties … anaphylactically allergic to mushrooms and you really do not want to see my reactions to coconut/palm or bivalves [oysters, mussels, clams, scallops] and what are some of the most common ‘umami’ additives? Mushrooms and fish sauce … and most convenience foods have gone to using tropical oils. Hells bells, I just got bombed by someone substituting palm oil instead of butter combined with olive oil in shrimp scampi “because it is healthier for you” when the ingredient list at the pot luck stated butter and olive oil …
For most of the past year I have dealt with extreme nausea [thanks, chemo…] and I have dealt with many cases of going out and having ice water because that was the only thing I could think of that wouldn’t make me vomit …
But if you have an extremely restrictive diet, and you are invited to a pot luck, the sensible thing to do is to bring a contribution that you can eat. I always do that, and I’m just a picky eater. I don’t choke or vomit on other people’s food, I’m just likely to be unhappy about eating it.
This meal was a pot luck. SIL could jolly well have brought her own food, even if “she works that day”. There’s plenty of food that can be purchased or made the day prior.
I pride myself in accommodating all my guests – everyone will have something they can eat, and it won’t just be lettuce or dry pasta. But if you are going to get pissy or miffed that everyone else doesn’t bring the unusual food that you are willing to eat to a potluck, and you refuse to bring something you can eat, then that’s on you. Not on your host. And certainly not on you BIL who is really just another guest in this story.