Jeez. I’d tell you to rob a bank, Woeg, but not with your luck! :eek:
All I can say is just keep on keeping on. One of the most comforting things about a sane father figure is the stability and guidance that they provide(and I don’t mean financially). This is imo the most important role to play in a chaotic house.
And sometimes it’s not appreciated until years later.
The amazing thing about these newfangled internets is that they allow me to be a bitch and stay in my WoW cave the entire time. Magic, right!?
rachelellogram, a lesson my mom learned working in the ER and passed on to me: no matter what you think of that person and their troubles, don’t add to them.
Woeg, I’m sorry. I am so sorry. You sound like a very good man with a very heavy burden. I’m going to offer one piece of advice. You are free to ignore or laugh in contempt.
Put out a “general quarters” call to all friends, family, coworkers, fellow church goers, bowling team, and sewing circle. Turn on the Bat Signal and shine it in the sky, man. Let the people in your life know that you need help. Call social services and make an appointment to see what help you qualify for.
The thing is, people genuinely want to help. Sometimes it’s because they feel guilty that they have it so good. Sometimes, it because they look at another person having a difficult time and think “there but for the grace of God go I”. Sometimes, it’s because they understand that all we really have on this ball of rock is each other, and that nothing is ever going to get better if we don’t pitch in. But they want to help.
Start practicing saying “I need some help here.” Start saying it to people. The Jewish faith says that accepting help from others is a mitzvah - both a blessing and an obligation. A blessing in that by accepting help, you benefit regardless of whether you deserve it or not. An obligation because in accepting help, you allow others to do good in this wreck of a world.
And don’t just say “I need some help here” on behalf of your children or your pets. Say it on your own behalf. The physical toll this stress is taking on your body could very well shorten your life. Your family needs you. Be willing to accept help so that they don’t lose you. Then, when things get better, be ready to help others.
Another amazing thing about these newfangled internets is that they allow the rest of us to point out what a soulless, wretched harpy you are. Magic, right?
Your story is heartbreaking, but assuming the OP picture is an accurate snapshot, you really need to be making some serious changes in the way you are living or you are going to be homeless. Rachelellogram’s post may was obnoxious in calling you “certifiable”, but his/her point re the the dysfunctional choices you are making was not incorrect.
Your family relies on you for sustenance AND leadership. Throwing your hands in the air and pretending you are powerless to make any hard choices along the lines of the points Rachelellogram delineated is going to destroy you and your family unless you are willing to step up and get this situation under control.
I wish you the best, but this is not all about random fate oppressing you, these are dysfunctional circumstances you are partially responsible for creating by not making the hard decisions to handle them.
Don’t forget the crotch stink…
Bloody hell, thats a lot of shit that’s going on in your life at the moment. I hope things look up for you soon.
The thing that really shines out from your post? Your love for your kids. You’re like a big papa bear growling at the world, letting them know DO NOT FUCK WITH MY KIDS. And that’s awesome.
Ouch dude, your life kinda sucks.
I hope things improve for you.
You know what? It sounds to me like all he’s BEEN doing is “manning up.” It’s know-it-all idiots like you who make it even more hellish for parents of special needs children and people who are busting their asses trying to do the right thing.
I saw a lot of things in this OP, but “weak fool” was not one of them.
Hang in there, Woeg. I have experience with an autistic child and a “baby daddy” in out-of-control arrears, and I know how frustrating it is when no one seems to understand what the fuck I’m dealing with. However, I also know how amazing it is when a man with no biological connection selflessly stood up and fearlessly took on some of that responsibility as my partner.
The pets issue is a tough one. I love mine so dearly, but I’d be forced to put them down if it was between that and a sky high vet bill. Your son’s strength might surprise you. It sucks that he has to go through these traumatic things at the same time, but he can always get another dog sometime in the future. Same with the daughter and her cat. Try to look at these things as shit that will make them even stronger as time passes.
Above all, I’m just sorry for everything you’re going through. I don’t have great advice, but the old cliche helps me sometimes…“When you’re going through hell…keep going.”
I vote “the last asshole on the planet who has any business giving financial advice”.
You might also want to check with your local Human Society regarding reduced-cost care for your pets. Since the pets are bonded with troubled children, it might be possible to get some assistance with care for them. Hell, if I were working I’d send you a couple of bucks for vet care.
Some - hell, most - people don’t realize what the love of a pet can mean to someone who is afraid to bond with a human. Or someone who has been hurt by a human. I commend you for understanding how much the pets mean to your children.
That said, you do need to try to get your child support reduced to managable levels. Spend extra on your kids when you see them - a new pair of jeans or whatever. You’re carrying a very heavy load and it won’t help either family if you break under it.
You are in my thoughts.
Hey all - sorry for the delay in getting back - my net time is fairly limited these days. Just thought I’d post a bit of updates here and there.
I’ll start with Rachelellogram. I’m not going to call you and asshole or anything like that. I do want to address your points, and on the first one, I’m probably gonna be a bit testy…
1.) Her first husband was definitely a bad idea, but she was 16, pregnant, and terrified. And as I mentioned, he’s not a bad guy these days - I actually like him, and we both get along with him and his new wife really well - we invite them over regularly. They aren’t quite our normal “type” of friends (they’re very redneck, we’re very not), but the relationship there is good and we all four love and support my stepdaughter. He was just a crap husband when he was 18, a cheater and with no idea how to be responsible, and it helped ruin their relationship. He is the first to admit that she was awesome, and he was a real shit. I respect that about him.
Her second husband is a pathological liar, and an excellent manipulator. When he met her, he very much acted the part of the adoring, perfect man. He wooed her, he said the right things, he was not put off by the fact that she was raising a kid from another marriage…in all ways, he seemed like a great guy. How the fuck was she supposed to know he was a pedophile? She didn’t find out till after they were married that he had a brother serving time for child molestation…and even then, her husband was all “he’s dead to me, I could never love anyone that could hurt a child” - while he himself was molesting her daughter. And my wife, at that point was pregnant with his child - and he used that to manipulate her daughter, telling her that if she told her mommy (who was having a difficult pregnancy), it would kill the baby, and maybe her mommy too.
Yeah, she had a lot of fucking control over that outcome. She STILL blames herself for letting him into her life, but as I have told her a thousand times, WHY? What did she do wrong - trust her husband to be the man he was pretending to be? Isn’t that what a spouse is supposed to do? He is an asshole, an abuser, and a liar - and none of that is her fault and I will not stand for someone to blame the fucking victim in a case like this.
2.) I didn’t criticize him for being unemployed - I sympathize with him. I’ve been there. One of the reasons I haven’t gotten support lowered is BECAUSE I fucking sympathize. Does it irritate me a little that the hasn’t been a bit pro-active in getting his disability payments? SURE it does - I’m tired of hearing my ex bitch about how they have no money because of it. But I did not, nor would I, criticize him for being unemployed, especially from an injury. I may not like the guy, but am pretty fucking sure he didn’t choose to have a disc shatter in his back. If you used a little reading comprehension there, you’d see that the point I was making there is that I do everything I can for my kids, and just want her to recognize that I’m a pretty good dad and treat me like one, now and again.
3.) You’re right, I should petition. Maybe it would make her husband pursue his disability more actively. I haven’t thus far, as mentioned, because I acknowledge and sympathize with the fact that they would NOT be making it without my current support level. Because of my son’s intensive chemo schedule, my ex simply can’t work many hours - she spends the majority of her time at the hospital with my son. But you are right - I know that isn’t my responsibility - and if my kids go without, its her fault, not mine. Doesn’t make it feel right though.
4.) Some people treat pets as disposable, some treat them as family. I tend to be the latter type. That said, if the animals become too sick to continue to be treated, yes, I will put them down. And if it comes down to choosing between feeding my family and feeding the pets, I will do my best to find them new homes. It hasn’t reached that point - but if it does, I assure you, I will make the tough decisions.
Anyway - there’s that. I don’t hate you for having your opinions, and honestly, if I didn’t want to hear people with dissenting opinions, I shouldn’t have posted on an internet bulletin board. That said, I do want to thank all of you who jumped to my defense, and those with less harsh advice to offer. I do promise that I am trying to do everything I can to deal with everything.
Workwise, I’m a government contractor - there is ALWAYS the spectre of layoff hanging over any job I work. Unfortunately, it is the only job option I have in this area that pays enough to keep us afloat. I could probably make a little less but be far less unstable if I moved to, say, Atlanta, or Tampa, and looked for graphic arts/illustration work there…but the cost of living in those places is insane (it’s pretty damned cheap to live in Middle Georgia because no one really wants to live here, it seems), and that would put me too far from my kids to see them readily, so gas/travel expenses would eat up what little spare I would have anyway.
That said, I am being proactive. I’ve already started contacting the network of friends and former coworkers to ensure that I get picked up someplace, should this task go under. I have a pretty unique skill set, in that I am and illustrator with 10 years experience and I have 3 years experience as a copy editor, and a background in computer/software support. It makes me pretty valuable (not irreplaceable - I know that). When I was laid off for four months a few years back, I just happened to have gotten laid off when there was a freeze on contracting money in our area - as soon as the money was back, a company picked me up immediately. That one four month period is the longest I have ever been unemployed - I have never gone more than a week without a job since I was 18 years old. I’m also not too proud to do WHATEVER it takes to cover my family. I’ve delivered pizzas, I’ve flipped burgers, hell, I’ve dig ditches (at a tree farm). If that’s the only work I can find, that’s what I’ll do.
I may whine, but I do my best to take care of business.
LOL, this. Her original reply was just drenched in irony. I couldn’t hold back the laughter. I can also safely say (based on posting history) that the OP has accomplished more with what seems like limited resources than she could ever hope to achieve.
@OP, sympathies. That sounds like a whole hell of a lot of shit to be dealing with at once. Letting go of animals, or realizing that it should/needs to be done is not easy.
An update for those who are interested…
About a week or so after posting this thread, I got a call from my landlord, letting me know that he is going to have to sell the house. Though I can’t go into the reasons here, I will say that this was not something that he or I could have avoided nor was it caused by anything he or I did - it’s just something that has happened that is beyond his control. Long story short, it means we have to move. Unfortunately, neither of us has great credit, so buying just isn’t an option…and after a lengthy and worrying search for a place to live (complicated by said credit), we finally were able to get a nice, three bedroom apartment that will let the kids stay in their current schools. It is significantly smaller than our current home, but we could probably use with some paring down of belongings. We have till the end of the month, when we can move into our new place.
We’ve also pared down on pets. Actually, we’ve gotten rid of all of them, save one dog, that we are still trying to rehome. He’s an awesome dog, with lots of great qualities (loyal, awesome with kids and pets, crate trained), but he’s a mutt - a Sharpei/Labrador mix. And while people were quick as a whip to snap up the purebreds, the only offer we’ve had for Oz (short for Ozzy Ozbone. Yes, I’m a nerd), was from someone who wants him to be an “outdoor only” dog - which frankly, is less than ideal for him. So we keep searching. All the other pets have new homes, and will be gone by this coming weekend.
I’m also getting the child support reduced. This has my ex especially pissy with me, but I don’t have the choice any more. The apartment is going to be significantly more expensive than what we were renting the house for, and we just can’t afford not to get the child support reduced. We’ve also gutted our phone plans to the barest minimums, cut out pretty much anything we could from our budget, and are doing our best to find secondary ways to bring in money.
So that’s where we stand - we verged on homelessness, but we found a great (and unexpectedly available to us) place to live. We have to get rid of our pets, and that hurts…but it will remove the only medical stance my ex had for not letting me see my son at my own home. And we’ll get a chance to get rid of a lot of stuff we were holding on to when we merged 2.5 houses worth of stuff together, that we simply won’t have room for anymore, and I think that will be a good thing.
Still plugging away…
Woeg
Oh, hey, man - thanks for the update. Good to hear from ya.
Hats off to you man. Wow - I should save this thread and every time I feel whiney about how much it sucks to be me, I will read this and pull my head out of my ass.
You are an amazing example of perseverance in the face of adversity.
How’s your little boy doing, Woeg? The description of him getting a nasty headache because of a weekly lumbar puncture made me cry. I hope they’ve stopped the lumbar punctures or least found medication to help make the headache go away.
You are a real inspiration Woeg! I am sorry for your troubles, but I hope your new place treats you well once you move in, and that your ex comes around and realizes that you are supporting her the best you can.
LavenderBlue, he’s doing ok - unfortunately, he still is getting at least bimonthly punctures, though it should go down to once a month soon - but alas, he still gets bad headaches from them. And his nausea has gotten pretty bad this week, with an added side effect that he now gets very dizzy after treatment, which I am sure doesn’t help much there. My ex has finally started texting me directly after his treatments to let me know how they went, and today I totally teared up at work, because she said “Treatment is over - asked Riley how he felt. He said ‘I’m just so very tired.’” Ugh - breaks my heart - no five year old should ever feel so very tired without a full day of play.
That said, his spirits in general have been excellent, and for the first time in the past two months, he got to see all his siblings this past Sunday! He didn’t have chemo last week, so his numbers were high enough that the whole lot of us (me, my wife, his two step siblings and his brother) were able to go and visit him, and my ex even let us take him out to his favorite restaurant. He was so excited that he never stopped smiling or laughing or talking - he misses them all so much, and though he does get to see the brother that lives with him regularly, he kept saying how much he missed us all being together. We then got to take him to a local park, then back to his home, where we played games with him for a couple of hours.
It was totally the highlight of our week! 
How’s your little girl doing with the loss of her cat? Have the kids adjusted to not having their pets and do they understand why they had to go?
Damn, life has certainly handed you a plateful. I admire you.