Where to start? Fuck the universe, how’s that? I don’t believe in god, but if I were suddenly proven wrong, were I to die and be confronted with my maker, I’d do my very best to kick him in the balls, as hard and as often as I could.
Let’s start with the kids - I have four of them, two biological, two step.
My step daughter is a mess - she’s a great kid, but she is so emotionally tramautized that dealing with her can be like juggling liquid nitroglycerin. She was sexually molested by her former step-father (the father of my step-son), was coerced and harassed by one of her middle school boyfriends into sex that she did NOT want, and now pretty much hates men in general and has come out as gay. I’m cool with the gay thing - hell, her current girlfriend is the only person she has dated that I actually like. But I hate the mess that is her emotions, and the fact that I can’t do anything to help her. We have a pretty great relationship, well, as great as it can be - but there is distance there and likely always will be. I do my best, but I hate that I can’t hug her or comfort her, because male physical contact freaks her the fuck out, ESPECIALLY by a step-father figure. She’s in therapy, medicated, has been for the past few years, but I don’t know how much it’s helping.
Speaking of the human slime that is her ex-stepdad, his trial for child molestation has been dragging on for years now. And though he’s “banished” from the county we live in, he somehow still can work on the fucking military base I work on (ankle bracelet and all!). His family has made threats against us, for which we called the police…and they wisely stopped. But since, we have had some vandalization that clearly targeted our home, but we have no way to prove it was them. My wife and daughter live in pretty much constant fear that they are going to retaliate or try and steal away my step-son…and the fear isn’t unprecedented. Jackhole took the boy right before they were divorced, and tried to run off with him.
And the fucker hasn’t paid his child support in over a year, on top of what he owed before that, and is currently $10,000 in arrears. Do you know how much $10,000 would fucking help right now? We are BROKE. We can’t even pay our rent - thank fucking Og that our landlord is my best friend, who makes a shit ton more than I can and has basically said “Dude, don’t sweat it, make it up to me when you can.” And I don’t get it!!! He is supposed to pay $450 a month, and acts like its some sort of lottery - fucker! I pay $1300 a month for my two kids!!! $1300! That’s over half my monthly fucking paycheck!!! AND I PAY IT! EVERY! GOD! DAMNED! TIME! I have NEVER been fucking late - EVEN WHEN I WAS LAID OFF FOR FOUR FUCKING MONTHS!
And speaking of child support? My step-daughter’s bio dad actually paid his! Not always on time, but close enough, and he was always really cool about doing extra when he could. It may sound crazy, but I actually like the guy, and he actually likes me. We get along great. Two weeks ago, he had a massive stroke. Paralized on his right hand side. No longer able to work. He is slowly recovering, but will likely never be able to go back to his old job (bread delivery). And no, it’s not all about money…but his $200 a month in support was often the difference between getting food and not getting food.
Then there is my step-son. I love him like he’s my own - im fact, I only refer to him as my “step” son to distinguish here that I did not donate the sperm to biologically father him - other than that, I am the only father he has known. He is a precious, kind, sweet little boy. He also has been diagnosed with Aspergers/high functioning autism. It is really, really hard trying to explain to people his idosyncracies, and I am fucking tired of trying. And I am SICK TO FUCKING DEATH of people who have the fucking gall to say “Oh, he’s not really autistic, he’s just spoiled/being difficult/plays too much videogames.” Let me tell you something, assholes! HE HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED, BY MULTIPLE DOCTORS! We aren’t just making this shit up! Don’t fucking tell me he plays too many videogames - games happen to be one of the few ways for him to open up and relate to the world. When he doesn’t get a chance to play games, he fucking regresses - he starts forgetting people’s names, and becomes more and more antisocial. When we let him play Lego Star Wars for an hour or so at night, it’s not because we don’t want to parent him…its because its the only way he unwinds enough to be able to talk to!!! And his doctors have said that is fine, that its important to find ways to “bring him into our world”. SO FUCK OFF! And don’t fucking tell me he can be “cured” by changing his diet/bedtime/medication. Don’t you think we’ve tried everything?
Next, my youngest biological child, Riley. He has leukemia. I’ve posted enough on the MPSIMS board for anyone who wants the full story, but I will add here that his leukemia is a large part of why I can’t believe in any sort of just fucking god. Seriously, if there is some higher power out there? Fuck you, you fucking prick! Fuck you for robbing my son of his first day of kindergarten. Fuck you for robbing him of his energy, of his health. Fuck you for making it so that I barely ever get to see him, and for the fact that his step-brother, who is the same age and whom he loves dearly, hardly ever sees him because of his neutropenic condition.
My oldest son? I hesitate to say this, but he’s doing alright. He’s been a rock, a saint. He’s a great kid. His mom and stepdad are too hard on him, I think - they caught him (a 12 year old) looking at playboy.com, and have taken away all his computer rights, his video games, his ipod, and anything that might possibly lead him to more boobies. For fuck sakes, Ex-wife, he’s a fucking 12 year old boy! Of course he is curious about boobies! Way to blow up what could have been a good chance to educate him about the changes he is undoubtedly going through, and about the importance of not objectifying women. Instead, you made him feel ashamed and wrong and overly punished. And let me tell you something - making it taboo is NOT going to make him want to stop. It’s only going to make it that much more irresistable. Congrats on educating him on the importance of lying to and hiding shit from you.
Oh, and since I’m on the topic…look, we didn’t work out. We had out problems, and they weren’t all your fault. I’m pretty cool with us, mostly, and I do my damnest to be a good dad. I call the boys every fucking night. I check on them all the time. When they need me, I am there - I drop everything to care for them. I pay you a shit ton of child support, enough so that you and the jackass you cheated on me on and then married can live off what I pay - which helps since he has been unemployed for the last six months and supposedly is having “problems” with disability paying him, and since you now work 15 hours a week. I could get that amount changed, now, you know…our oldest is no longer eligible for day care, and Riley obviously isn’t going back - and that was a HUGE part of the child support costs. I haven’t gotten it changed because I don’t want to see you suffer, regardless of what happened to us in the past. So for the love of fuck, I just wish to god you’d fucking treat me like the decent fucking dad that I am. I wish you’d consider me first when you want our oldest to stay somewhere for the day, instead of him going to your new husband’s sisters house - especially when you’ve told me how much she irritates you. I wish you’d let me get Riley on his not-neutropenic days so that he could come visit us at my house - I know you are the queen of the fucking helicopter moms, but I swear to you, I love him and won’t let him come to harm. And hopefully now, you’ve come to the realization that all those times Riley was getting sick in the past had NOTHING to do with him being at my house (though you ALWAYS hinted around that was the case) and EVERYTHING to do with him having FUCKING CANCER. The doctor said as much, didn’t he? That all those symptoms we had been describing for about four months were signs of his leukemia?
Then there’s the doctor. Fuck. He was a good doctor, a great one even. He had a great bedside manner, he really loved the kids, he was kind and understanding and humorous, which sometimes you really need when you feel like you are going to fall apart. But apparently, he has to have knee surgery, and that’s going to put him out of work for too long…so they fired him. The new guy, the temp guy? He’s nice enough, don’t get me wrong…but English is clearly his second language, and it is near impossible to understand what he is saying. And because he can’t understand him, Riley is freaked out by him. I know y’all are working on bringing in another doctor to permanently fill the position, but seriously, could your timing suck more?
So what else…ah, yes, the pets. We have too many fucking pets. We have three dogs, two cats, and two rats. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love animals. I would love one, maybe two pets. But my wife and kids all love pets, all grew up with multiple pets, and I am a fucking doormat. But you know, the pets would be fine, if it weren’t for all the fucking expenses. I’ve paid $600 in vet bills in the past month alone, because one cat (my daughters) got very sick - a viral infection similar to kitty pneumonia. And one dog may have torn a ligament in her knee - we’ve spent a ton of money on xrays and treatment, and dear OG I hope this last one works…because the next step is surgery. Expensive surgery - $3000 or so. And frankly, I just can’t do that. I can’t pay it. I’d have to put the dog down…and of course, because the universe fucking loves to push my buttons, that dog also happens to be Riley’s favorite animal. He loves her, talks about her all the time, draws pictures of her and him together. How in the fuck am I supposed to put that fucking dog down? And the cat? The only fucking creature that my daughter has shown any ability to bond with? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
Then there’s all the fucking shit breaking down. Thanks, Ford Motor company - your shitty engine mounts that your own mechanics call a joke fucked up, my car shook too much, and in the end, that wiped out $2000 of savings - the last of them, in fact! Thanks, Air conditioner - I really appreciate you breaking down in the hottest month of the year and causing us to spend a couple hundred to get you repaired. Thanks, toilet, for developing a sudden leak that I still haven’t figured out how to fix! And last, there’s me. I can’t sleep worth a fuck, despite the mood-stabilizers and anti-anxiety meds my doc has me on. I have to take a benedryl on top of them every night, or I just can’t go to fucking sleep. My right arm is fucking killing me - the ortho doc says its severe tendonitis/bursitis combined with a pinched nerve caused by extreme tension in my neck and shoulders. My physical therapist said I had the worse knots he has ever felt. Of course, I need to go back for more therapy, but I can’t fucking afford it. $120 a week is just too much right now. I’m chopping expenses where I can, left and right, and I just can’t do more right now. And to add to that, I’ve got my fucking job making veiled threats towards my employment (to be fair, they are threatening EVERYONE I work with). And it’s not empty threats - two weeks ago, they laid off 30% of the people in my company. Our contract is a bit more secure, but not for long. And I honestly have no idea what I will do if I lose this. I can’t. I don’t have any options. I can’t NOT have health insurance for my kids. I can’t not have an income - I am supporting two families now on my modest check - if I lose that, what the fuck am I going to do?
takes deep breath
Alright. So there. Done ranting. Sorry for the wall of text.