You know, it is times like this that make being a newscaster difficult.
it’s simple to be professional when the victims are unknow.
…
I knew Mr.Left Flip Flop. His Cousins, the Sandals live with me.
It is a sad day at the baboon’s den.
next up:
Depression in the work place…
The Fuzzy Bunny Slippers are mourning the loss as well.
This just in!! Mr Left Flip-Flop has been found! Sources say he was found in back alley behind the local Bed and Breakfast surrounded by trash and several disreputable looking sneakers. Doctor Scholl’s reports the laundry avalanche must have induced memory loss and disorentiation causing him to wander into such a place. Mr and Mrs. Flip Flop are now doing well and will recuperate with a week at the beach.
On the economic front, I wish I could win the lottery and never have to work again. Back to you, uh, whoever posts next.
SHOCKING SOCK CANNIBAL RING RESPONSIBLE FOR LOCAL DRYER DISAPPEARANCE.
…and only slightly more unbelievable than that is the fact that the Giant Killer Spiders that invaded our fine city last week have picked up and moved on, leaving the nasty task of clean-up to Moe and his pack of unruly dwarves. Further bulletins as events warrant… Over to you, Skip, and today’s human interest story.
Oooh, sorry, this just in… Skip is being replaced tonight by a sock puppet.
LATE BREAKING NEWS
Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems Tripler is drinking a beer. Yes, we go live to Chopper 5 to bring the us the live feed. . .
Oh, it seems the beer has already been had, and Chopper 5 went to cover some story about exploding tankers on I-80. Back to this story later. Now to the weather with Flip. Flip?
Trip
The firm Dewy Cheatem & Howe won their largest settlement yet, for the descendants of Mrs. O’leary formerly from Chicago. They won a settlement against the city of Chicago for $3,000,0000,000 for the defamation of character to the O’leary name by millions. The judgment was awarded after the firm proved that the burning of Chicago was the result of the cities poor planning, and lack of fire control.
Every O’Leary descendant will be receiving $9.02 after Dewy Cheatem & Howe receive their commission.
And for our live Sunset Watch, let’s go to Brad in JetCopter One…Brad?
Sxoshhhhhklml…[scratchy voice from low-fi transmitter] It’s a delight to see this lovely sunset for the Pacific Time Zone. I’d just like to report that this would have taken place an hour earlier if we were back on Standard Time. Now back to the studio…[/scratchy voice from low-fi transmitter]
Brad’s report has been brought to you by Chet Burnette, the Dead Pet Vet. Just because Rover, Spot or Fido has passed on to his or her reward doesn’t mean they’ve stopped needing your care, affection and money. Unearth your favorite from that spot back of the rose bushes and bring them in for a semi-yearly checkup with Dr. Chet. You’ll be glad you did.
Now a word from our regular sponsor:
A book describing famine in North Korea - including illustrations of refugees eating Burger Kings and sneaking past soldiers - could be key to eternal asylum for a family of seven holed up at a U.N. office in Beijing.
More news at one… Back to you, Babs.
breaking news here at HQ,
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Some assmunch just ran through here and F-d up the
margins on the screen! We hope and pray he will be
caught and prosecuted.
thinksnow is going to bed…and we have word, yes, we’re getting word now that he’s…okay, we’ve just gotten word that thinksnow is in fact going to bed and that he is doing so alone…again. More on this exciting development as information comes in.
And we’re back in the newsroom after a record-shattering presentation of “Static and Snow - the Sally Strothers Retrospective”
Here on Florida’s First Coast, there was a beautiful pink sunrise.
Back to you, Bob.
Bob?
Can somebody nudge Bob, please?
Bob seems to have passed out. Must have been the cheap tequila.
Never drink cheap tequila when you can swipe the good stuff from the weather guy’s desk drawer.
This PSA brought to you by Jose Cuervo.
Back to you, Jane.
In early-morning (or late-night, for those of us who haven’t slept yet) news on the West Coast, deepbluesea reports being thirsty. We go live to coverage on-site at deepbluesea home, where the distraught Californian and Doper reports that she is “definitely going to get some soda really soon.”
Wow. Such a display of strength and integrity, such determination to carry on in the face of adversity. Makes you feel good to be alive, doesn’t it?
This just in… Amp has arrived at work and is going to get breakfast. I’ll be back with the breaking details after I’m done.
News from our MidWest desk,
This just in!
thinksnow is going to write up another chapter to the Doper orgy thread, respond to some emails and then leave for an out of town wedding around noon. Altogether, a very lucky thing that we caught him this morning, as he’ll be offline all weekend!
For more news on this, you’d have to be him.
Jane?
And from the Sports Desk, Bunny hits home run [sub]honest. I have to tell SOMEONE![/sub] at the East Lansing Parks and Recreations softball game last night and the Crunchy’s team [sub]our sponsor[/sub] won it 16-8.
East Lansing police were called out to help control rioting, however, the city continues to burn and Governor Engler has called in the National Guard to help restore peace to this abused and overwhelmed city.
And in International News… it’s mild and slightly overcast in England. Francesca reports a sense of ennui with her job and has just had a ham sandwich. Who knows what the rest of the day holds? Further bulletins as events warrent.
Back to you, Gil.
In local news…
Cocoa Pebbles™ are a big hit in the “under 5” demographic. The chromatic-morphing and taste altering of bovine-based liquids is cited as “pretty cool. It makes the milk all choc’litty.”