You deserve bonus points for creativity. That actually almost makes sense-- especially considering how little I gave you to work with. 
(I think I just fed someone a straight line, though…)
Hmm, the OP must be suffering from a Battered Partner syndrome.
Well, it’s a bit of a funny story, to be honest. I was trying to make pancakes, but I didn’t have the right pan. Your neighbour Jim told me that you had a pancake pan and he was sure you’d be happy to lend it to me.
So we knocked on your door, hoping to ask you, but there was no answer. Jim told me you often popped out to get a newspaper in the mornings, so we decided to wait.
Then it started to rain. Jim said that you had a covered porch out back, so we decided to wait back there.
We waited.
After about 15 minutes, Jim suggested that, instead of having gone out to get the morning papers, you were probably still in bed. So we knocked on the back door, but to no answer. Jim said that you were quite a heavy sleeper, which he quite likes because it means he can play his favourite death-goth-glam metal at all hours with no complaint from you. I was a bit surprised that a 60-something dude wearing a three piece suit would be into that sort of music, but that’s Jim for you.
We were getting a bit cold by now, what with the rain and all, and on a whim, I decided to try your back door. You hadn’t locked it! So, we snuck in. I headed straight for the kitchen to find your pancake pan, whilst your neighbour went to wake you up and let you know I was borrowing it.
I couldn’t find the pancake pan, but I found your waffle maker! I love waffles! I’d bought a waffle maker myself, but something had shorted out in it and it didn’t work any more. i thought I should probably check that yours worked before I borrowed it, so I looked for a place to plug it in. You could really do with some more outlets in your kitchen, man! The only plug I could find was behind the microwave, and there was nowhere for me to put the waffle maker down, so I had to stretch the plug over the counter to reach the outlet.
Meanwhile, Jim shouted out that he’d found you and you were sound asleep. I yelled to Jim to wake you up. The next thing I see is Jim sprinting down the stairs, with you following closely behind. I guess what with having just been woken up in a dark house, you figured you were getting burgled.
So Jim comes running through the kitchen like a maniac. Boy, that guy sure can move for an old fella. Before I had a chance to warn him, though, he ran straight through the waffle maker power cord.
You know those moments in movies where everything goes in slow motion? That’s what this moment was like. There’s Jim, slo-mo running through the kitchen, his eyes bulging and his chest heaving. He runs through the powercord like it’s some ribbon at the end of a race. The plug pulls out of the outlet. The waffle maker slides off the counter. For a moment, it looked like it was going to hit Jim, but I guess his army reflexes cut in, because he ducked at just the right moment.
That’s when the waffle maker hit you on the head, bounced off against the fridge and ricocheted back towards your down belows. I could see what was going to happen, but I couldn’t stop it. I heard myself yelling, ‘Nooooooo!’ and I ran forward, trying to deflect the machine before it could do its damage. Unlike Jim, I wasn’t in the army, and I’m not very fast. That machine made for your ding dang doolies like it was the holy grail. There was a sizzle, then it fell. And so did you.
So there we were. Jim, me, and your frazzled goolies. And you, knocked out cold, lying on the kitchen floor, gently smoking. Well, Jim and I weren’t going to leave you like that. So we picked you up by your limbs and popped you back into bed, safe and sound.
You’ll be pleased to hear that the waffle maker works a treat! The first few waffles tasted a bit meaty though…
Stop jerking off with woven pot holders you idiot. Even if you do, stop when you build up too much friction. I learned that the hard way.
Someone maybe tried to build his own sex-capable version of that Japanese girl robot on a budget? “Hey, it’s hot, it squeezes things, and I already have one in the kitchen so it’s free!”
Did you sleep in your swim trunks? Because the liner of some swim trunks (or running shorts) have a waffled texture to them.
Hey, if no one else is going to be serious!
Did the burn appear after exactly 183 miles?
I think I’ve seen that Quitin Tarintino movie.
Yes, but only for twenty minutes.
I’m tossing this over the fence from The BBQ Pit to Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share.
Gfactor
Pit Moderator
It’s your own Accord. Did you come on it too?
applauds Bravo, bravo!
Let me know when it looks like the virgin Mary or Jesus.
My advice for the current manifestation is to stop beating it with a meat tenderizing hammer. That’s not what they’re for.
They’re not for Beating Meat?
Are you “Japanes”? Is your penis gray?
I love this thread. 
Oh yea, while you were sleeping I stepped on it with an original pair of Nike’s.
That invention of yours? The combination Electric Girlfriend and waffle maker? I think it has some design flaws.
He tried to - but he missed. He just wasn’t that Accura-te.
Is she hot?
Only if she’s properly turned-on.