The latest toilet paper I bought is “enriched with vitamin E”.
Having done some research, it appears that my ass should soon have fewer lines and wrinkles, and it will be better protected from all that UV light that gets through my shorts.
Plus it is an anti-oxident, but I might have to eat it to get that. It wasn’t clear whether a topical application will have that benefit.
At least it’s not bleach. 
Bleach? Are you suggesting a topical application of… Oooh shiny!
[Fade in]
Man in Stall #1: Hey, buddy, I’m out of toilet paper. Do you have any extra?
Man in Stall #2: Sure, what brand?
Man in Stall #1: What brand?
Man in Stall #2: Yeah, whatever you want.
Man in Stall #1: [Pause.] Umm, how about Charmin?
Man in Stall #2: Did you know that you’d have to wipe 3 times as much to get the same amount of vitamin E as in Boyo brand toilet paper? [Tosses 3 rolls of toilet paper into Stall #1.]
Man in Stall #1: Oh. Well, then, how about Northern?
Man in Stall #2: You’d have to wipe 6 times as much! [Tosses 6 rolls of toilet paper into Stall #1.]
Man in Stall #1: Ow! Do you have White Cloud?
Man in Stall #2: 20 times! [20 rolls of toilet paper rain down on to man in Stall #1.]
Man in Stall #1: I’ll stick with Boyo.
Man in Stall #2: Good choice! [Hands roll of Boyo toilet paper under separating wall. Both men laugh.]
[End scene]
Well that’s a great first step. I myself like to give my ass a full spa treatment wherein I cover it in an exfoliating masque and place a cucumber slice over the ol’ baloon knot myself. It’s good to sometimes pamper yourself.
I prefer to use a corn cob. You, know, extra fiber.
Not only is that one helluva funny post, it would also be one helluva funny commercial. If they change it to women, it could star Julie Louis-Dryfus.
Bah, you can take all that Vitamin E and stick it where the sun don’t shine!
Can you spare a square?
Hmmm… I’ve been looking for one “Enriched with Vitamin A.” Maybe I’m just missing something.
I mean it’s not like it’s your “enus” or anything.
If the Pampers are enriched with vitamin E, that is.
Would you care to submit your “enriched with vitamin E” TP for the stylus test I’m considering?
I’m thinking about buying a very sensitive dial indicator, a stylus, and some sort of strip chart recorded. Then I’m going to drag the TP from the bathrooms here at work under the stylus and make a graph of its smoothness.
Then, I’m going to do the same with a sheet of 400 grit sandpaper. I’m betting the 400 grit sandpaper is smoother.
No matter how much vitamin E you lather on your ass, it will never get rid of the biggest crack.
FYI, it is Cottonelle.
I really don’t have an explanation for the dog either. Maybe the aloe is supposed to simulate a dog’s wet nose?
Be sure to get some “Before” photos in case they want to put your story in their ads!
No kidding. How could they have missed with a “retriever” or , being a new product, “chocolate lab”?
