When someone is showing stalker tendencies, you SHOULD break off any prior plans you had with them. What pushed that guy I mentioned over the edge was when I told him that I would prefer to take my mother to this ice show we were going to go see, because he was being so psycho. He flipped out even more.
I knew a guy like the OPs. MOL DID tell the guy to go away. But the guys who are that needy, don’t stop there.
You try to be polite, give them a chance to get to know you as a friend, but they still ask “but what’s wrong with me? Why do you like him (male non-romantic friend) but not me???”. Telling them explicitly “no, it will not work out, I don’t want it to work, out I am NOT interested” will not necessarily work.
There logic is follows “oh, she says she’s not interested now, but she could, possibly become interested if she just gets the chance to know the ‘real me’…”
I went out on ONE date with a guy and my “Holy Psycho-Boy, Batman!” alarm went off. He was super-needy, was horrified that I had male friends (“Who’s the guy?..”) I said I did not want to see him again, but he kept calling. I explicitly told him to leave me alone. But he kept calling. He called really late at night, he called really early in the morning. We got call screen so he couldn’t call from his home, so he called me at work (grr!) or used a pay phone, or a cell phone. And so on and so on.
Borderline stalker. He finally stopped when his own housemate threatened to kick his ass.
I agree with Guin, when you get seriously weird vibes from a guy (or girl), break the plans. If some guy harassed me that much between scheduled dates, my freak-o-meter would go off and I’d bail on the plans like a rat off a sinking ship. Or I’d go but bring a really big friend along as a chaperone – and then tell the guy with no exceptions is he ever to contact me again (big friend flexes muscles for emphasis).
It sounds like you’re caught up in his emotional manipulations. He’s getting to you. You feel angry, frustrated, maybe defensive.
I think you need to use the broken record technique. Say no to his requests over and over again. Don’t say “sorry”. Just calmly and persistently say no, or “I don’t want to see you”, or “I don’t want you to call me.”
There is another technique where you agree with their criticism, or express understanding of their request, but return immediately to your broken record technique, calmly, dispassionately.
“I understand that you want to see me, but I don’t want to see you.”
(He whines some more)
“It’s true that I was unfair, but I don’t want to see you.”
(He whines some more)
“I can see why you’d feel that way, but I don’t want to see you.”
Otherwise, I’m worried that you’re getting entangled with someone who will do extraordinary things to keep in touch with you. You must make a clear statement, repeat it without apology, and do it respectfully (even if you don’t feel that way about him). That’s all I can think of as a positive contribution to this thread.
No, she needs to cut ALL contact. Period.
If it persists, see if you can get the law after him.
But I didn’t say it was the area code? I linked to a column about how phone numbers with the 555 exchange aren’t real, just like you said.
I’m confused. 
So he’s done talking to me (or so it seems), but he’s not done rubbing shoulders with my chums! Word is he’s been getting a bit to friendly with the people I know, including Guy X. There was also this shindig he had no intentions of attending until one day before, which, incidentally, also happens to be the day he found out I was going. Oy vey.
Whoa. FranticMad, the next time you’re gonna set me up for stalking someone, at least give me a heads-up?
I don’t understand guys like this at all.
Being rejected once isn’t nice, but it’s part of life and happens to everyone at some time or another. To set yourself up to be rejected again and again by the same person and at the same time come off as a complete git to any third party observers just seems insane!
Then again stalkers seem like a completely alien midset to me to and most women I know have had at least one so maybe there’s some chromosome I’m missing or something.
I think I read something into your post that wasn’t actually there.
Thats 6 more dates than i’ve been on. Introversion can be a bitch.
Ooh. Sidling up to friends and family members in an attempt to get to know their “intended” better is a classic stalker move, as you might have already guessed, MOL. This happened to me once as well, almost exactly as you’ve described it. When Mr. Saddo realized that he couldn’t win me over in the traditional calling/dating/emailing way, he harrassed several of my friends - and even a couple of vague aquaintances - for answers to my (in his mind) baffling behavior. He’d call them ostensibly for some other reason, but within a couple of minutes, would switch the topic to me - why was R-n-R acting like this? (Because you scared the patookie outta me from the first hour of our date, such as it was). Why couldn’t she see that he was oh-so right for her and her for him? (Because the scent of desperation that wreathed you was as big of a turnoff as your shoddy personal habits and your ego that was as fragile as it was staggeringly massive) Was she stupid? (Well, yeah, but not for turning you down - that was one of the smarter things I’ve managed to do)
The way we dealt with this fuckadoodle was to present a united front. My friends simply refused to talk to the guy about me. If they were on the phone, they would either go silent or put the phone down on him if he persisted in asking about me. If it was in person, they walked away. After a few weeks of getting stonewalled, he got the message and hung out on the fringes whining like a kicked puppy, but stayed the fuck out of the way. Eventually, he met a girl who lived out of state and moved away to be with her.
If you haven’t done so already, let your friends know about this guy and that he’s trying the back door to your life, so to speak. Hopefully they’ll work with you to give this guy an undeniable sendoff to the Land of the Forever Dismissed.
**MOL, **
Definatly break all contact with this guy (I know you already have, but keep it that way), get a restraining order if he attempts to contact you again (you can never be too careful) and inform all of your friends and family about the situation (if you already hadn’t).
I once had a guy like that, it never got to actual stalking, but man, this guy would drive me nuts! I went out with him ONE time, and then he proceeded to call me multiple times a day and guilt trip me after I told him I wasn’t interested in him that way (I’m sorry i’m not good enough for you). I finally told him that I didn’t have to take his crap and that if he called me again i’d report him for harassment. He never called again (thank goodness). You can never be too careful though, so take all of the necessary precautions to protect yourself, just in case.
Jesus Christ. I don’t know what your social situation is like, but you might consider telling all the people you feel comfortable talking about it with that you don’t want them to mention plans you may have to junior Psycho. You might also consider not going to the shindig - I’d be curious to see what the other dopers have to say about that.
Ick. This thread is giving me the creeps.
Not because I don’t understand guys like that. Because I used to be a guy like that. In fact, I used to be that guy. Literally. (And by that, I mean figuratively.) Well, I was never actually a stalker. But I did engage in plenty of “That was a great first date, so when do you want to go on the honeymoon?” conversations, followed up with “Why don’t you love me?” conversations.
Scary.
Fortunately, a few of the women that I scared off were kind enough to tell me where I went wrong before they shut me out. Eventually, I got the hint, and did an enormous amount of work on myself. That was 11 years ago, and I’ve been in solid relationships ever since.
I hope this guy is not beyond redemption. But ironically, continued rejection will move this guy even further from hope.
Sad.
Seriously consider noting any of his actions toward you, dates and times. Anything. If something happens (and he sounds fruity enough to go for it) you will be happy to have the information.
And if he does bother you get the police involved.
Stalkers are probably the scariest thing I can think of. (beyond spiders) You need information to fight them, legally and above board anyway.
oh, yeah, I’d say stay away from the party as well. Don’t go anywhere you know he’ll be. That whole “I’m not going to let him control my life!” mentality is fine, if you know for a fact the guys not dangerous. If he’s delusional enough, he’ll probably just interperet it as “well she knew I’d be here and she came, she must still be interested in me.”
tdn,
I’m glad you saw the errs of your ways. I actually used to be kinda like “that girl” as far as clingyness went. I look back on some of the shit I used to do (calling all the time, ect.) and feel so, so shamed. I realized what I was doing after I had a couple of guys I wasn’t interested in pulling that shit on me. Now my b/f says one of the things he loves about me is my independence, and how i’m not at all clingy. It takes work though, I still have to fight my clingy tendencies every now and then.
Good luck to you. 
I didn’t go to the little gathering. I don’t really think the guy is loony, but he does annoy me to death. Had I gone, he would have spent the whole damn time pestering me trying to get me to talk to him and realize that he’s a great person just like all my friends and if I would only give him a shot, bla bla bla. Dude’s never exactly stalked me, he’s just an obsessive and posessive asshat who’s annoying as all hell. The kid has thoroughly pissed off. I’m not easily riled, mind you. He’s been rubbing my pals the wrong way too w/ his chumminess. The thing is he’s not asking about me. He’s just trying to get in good with them. It’s suspsicious and none of us like it. My friends gave him the official “back off” and he’s since left them alone. This should be the last of him. If not, I’ll just have someone break his legs.
Or call the cops or something.
Yep, this is the pre-stalking days. Good luck.
I would like to second this, but also add a disclaimer. Stonewalling is good, but do not let any of your friends threaten him. He may convince himself that they are not speaking for you, but are, in fact, trying to control you, making it necessary for him to “save” you from your possessive friends. Especially if it’s Guy X who does the threatening. “Ooh, her SO is so controlling! She should be with someone kind and gentle and understanding…like me!” Furthermore, statements like “If you call her again, I’ll break your fingers so you can’t dial” could lead to the person saying that being charged with harassment of Stalker Guy. Not saying that any of your friends would say such a thing, of course. But it could happen, and it has.