WANTED: A Person With A Warped Sense Of Humor To Help Me

In My Humble Opinion
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I made a list of about 50 cliche’s (for a friend who is dying) that people use and I added a few lines to each of them to create a warped view. I am stuck and need help. Here is an example of a few of what I have:

YOUR HELP IS MUCH APPRECIATED!!!

“You win some, you lose some”
Although, I do have the habit of saying this one during sex.
“Can I ask you a question?”
This drives me crazy when people ask me this!!! Ok first of all, that WAS a
question. What I want to say is “Do you want to ask another question? This
will be your second, and that’s my question limit, so make it a good one.”
“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”(NEED HELP)
“Grow up” (NEED HELP)

Bite the bullet”…(NEED HELP)

“Have a nice day”
Cashiers are forced by their bosses to say this to every customer. The
cashiers don’t mean it though. What they’re really saying is, “Please, God,
I don’t want to get fired.”
“Keep your eye on it”(NEED HELP)
“Old as dirt”(NEED HELP)
“One day my ship will come in”(NEED HELP)
“Take it like a man”(NEED HELP)
“See ya on the flip side”(NEED HELP)
“You’re crusin for a brusin”NEED HELP)

THE CRAZIER YOUR RESPONSE - - - THE BETTER IT WILL BE. THE OBJECT IS TO MAKE THIS DYING FRIEND LAUGH AGAIN!

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"One day my ship will come in”

Just hope it isn’t named the Titanic11
or isn’t the Staten Island Ferry
or an Oil tanker on a reef
or isn’t the Ship of Fools

“Take it like a man”

Go off in a corner and brood
Blame somebody else
Get drunk
But not like Liberace

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George Carlin always had a great response for this

‘YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, Just give me my FRICKIN’ change

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“One day my ship will come in”
And I’ll be waiting at the airport.

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How about this one. Does anyone think this is funny?

BITE THE BULLET
From an old Russian Game…similar to Russian Rullete but for poor people who had no gun…they would take turns “biting the
Bullet”…If it blew up you lost…Thus one who bites the bullet is considered crazy or just a poor Russian is search of excitement.

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don’t let the door…
No but Tony the Enforcer will hit you on the way out

Bite the bullet.
Putting it in a gun is far more effective.

Keep your eye on it.
But keep your hands off it you damn dirty ape.

Old as dirt.
Which isn’t as old as most people think seeing how Thomas Edison invented dirt in 1892.

Take it like a man.
Take a man and like it.

You’re crusing for brusing.
Well, I am a sub.

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“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”(NEED HELP)
It’s okay to let it hit you on the way in, however.

“Grow up” (NEED HELP)
What, some folks grow down?

“Old as dirt”(NEED HELP)
Yeah, but is it freshly made dirt?

“One day my ship will come in”(NEED HELP)
Too bad I live 1,000 miles from the nearest port.

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“You win some, you lose some.”
Or lose most, as the case is for the majority of people out there.

“Take it like a man.”
And stubbornly refuse to ask for directions or admit you need help.

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“You win some, you lose some”

Sometimes you don’t want “Some”.
“Can I ask you a question?”

Can I imagine an answer?
“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”

I see it hit you on the way in.
“Grow up”

If I grow up do I have to get the stick in the ass too?
Bite the bullet”

really hard…towards the back…

“Have a nice day”

Or a stroke…
“Keep your eye on it"

“What is ‘lower eyelid’? Alex!”
“Old as dirt”

and thoroughly potted
“One day my ship will come in”

Full speed and with a lot of screaming
“Take it like a man”

Yeah wimpering and praying for death
“See ya on the flip side”

Yeah flip this…
“You’re cruisin for a bruisin”

Yeah. I’m looking for a date…you did know this is an S&M club…right?

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“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”
Well, actually, it’s one of those sliding doors, so…

"Bite the bullet”
Seems kind of pointless, though. All you’ll do is hurt your teeth.

“You’re cruisin for a bruisin”
Yes, I’m looking for someone named A. Bruisin. Got a problem with that, punk??

“One day my ship will come in”
Unfortunately, it’ll come in when I am, shall we say, otherwise engaged.

“Old as dirt”
And not that special gourmet dirt you find at plant stores, either.

“See ya on the flip side”
Does that mean I’m going to be flying through the air shortly?

“You win some, you lose some”
Unless of course you’re the [insert name of bad sports team here].

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“Grow up”
As opposed to “out,” tubby.

"Bite the bullet”
Or better yet, the entire gun barrel.

“Keep your eye on it”
If you can’t, I have a mellon baller that should help.

“Old as dirt”
But only half as pretty.

“One day my ship will come in”
Knowing you, it’ll be a leaky dinghy.

“You’re crusin for a brusin”
Shut the fuck up, asshole.
Sorry to hear about your friend, Isabelle.

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“Can I ask you a question?”
This drives me crazy when people ask me this!!! Ok first of all, that WAS a
question. What I want to say is “Do you want to ask another question? This
will be your second, and that’s my question limit, so make it a good one.”

[I like that, I’m going to use it next time someone uses this phrase on me]
“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”(NEED HELP)

-That’s what my foot is for
“Keep your eye on it”(NEED HELP)

-Because physical contact with strippers is not allowed
“One day my ship will come in”(NEED HELP)

-I’m just glad mine doesn’t come prematurely
“Take it like a man”(NEED HELP)

-Just don’t take it the way the man in the prison shower room takes it
Sorry to hear about your friend. Hope these help you and aren’t too warped.

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“Have a nice day”

Sorry, I’ve made other plans

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“You win some, you lose some”
But if you are winsome, you rarely lose any.

“Can I ask you a question?”

  • Apperently.
  • No.
  • My ewe doesn’t respond to unsolicited inquiries.
    “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”(NEED HELP)
  • Let me do it instead.
  • It prefers a challenge.
  • Like it must have on the way in (judging by your face).
  • Open it first.
    “Grow up” (NEED HELP)

"Bite the bullet”…(NEED HELP)

  • It has to learn sometime.
  • There is no other way to prevent male Ets from attacking.
    “Have a nice day”
  • You can save the other half for later.
    “Keep your eye on it”(NEED HELP)
  • Not much help, but Elmo Philips (if I remember his name right) had a line in a song once “As I was walking down the street something caught my eye…
    And dragged me 15 feet.”
  • will help charge you up. (You have to say eye and on quickly to understand)
    “One day my ship will come in”(NEED HELP)
    -How dirty do you want these?
    “Take it like a man”(NEED HELP)
  • I hope this one doesn’t answer my last question.
    “See ya on the flip side”(NEED HELP)
  • or this one either.
    “You’re crusin for a brusin”NEED HELP)
  • And yet I now begin to sense a trend.
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Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.
It might break your thumb.

Have a good one.
I already have a good one. What I want is a long one.

You’re cruising for a bruising.
And you’re troopin’ for a whoopin’.

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“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”(NEED HELP)
Let ME hit you on the way out, its much more rewarding

“Grow up” (NEED HELP)
Instead of Grow OUT, like you obviously have been doing Fatass…

Bite the bullet”…(NEED HELP)
Instead of those Canolies you’ve been shoving down, they are much less fattening…

“Keep your eye on it”(NEED HELP)
Sorry about that cararact in the other…

“Old as dirt”(NEED HELP)
You Talking About my Mama!!!

“One day my ship will come in”(NEED HELP)
Yeah right, and you’ll be at the airport

“Take it like a man”(NEED HELP)
Bent over and greased up. hmmm… no thanks.

“See ya on the flip side”(NEED HELP)
When I flip you one, it works from both sides…
“You’re crusin for a brusin”NEED HELP)
Don’t start no rooting and tooting, won’t be no cuttting and shooting…

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“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”(NEED HELP)
It has no respect for court orders.

“Grow up” (NEED HELP)
I’d rather “move on up” like Weezie and George.

Bite the bullet”…(NEED HELP)
With relish!

“Keep your eye on it”(NEED HELP)
Or face the consequences! (to be said maniacally)
Will it bite my nose off if I don’t?

“Old as dirt”(NEED HELP)
Dirt’s rather useful, you know. Most plants grow in it, and without plants, then the entire food cycle would be damned. And have you ever been to a day spa? Mud baths? Exfoliating sand scrubs? Heaven, my friend, is just one gigantic mud puddle, where beautiful men and women frolic in sheer white robes, which tenderly and enticingly cling.

“One day my ship will come in”(NEED HELP)
It’ll be a dinghy.

“Take it like a man”(NEED HELP)
Look, you’re the one that wanted to play Drop the Soap, you take it like a man.
Only if I may cover you in chocolate syrup first.
Wailing and shrieking at the cruel, cruel world.

“See ya on the flip side”(NEED HELP)
The earth is not flat like a quarter; it is round like a pomegranate.

“You’re crusin for a brusin”NEED HELP)
Okay, this will involve set-up. First show him this picture of Steve Martin in a speedo. (It’s at the bottom of the page.) Yell, “BAM!” as loud as you can. Then, periodically throughout the conversation, yell “bam” again and flash the picture. I have never failed to see anyone laugh at this. (Of course, I’ve only tried it on one person.)

One thing my little brother does that’s funny the first few times is to say, “Okay, I’ve a got a really funny joke to tell you. deep breath, bracing himself as if to take on a sumo wrestler . . . Okay, it’s coming, it’s coming, just a sec . . . creeps up and whispers into your ear A baby seal walked into a club. pulls back Isn’t that FUNNY?” Yeah, he’s 16. It works with any short joke, as long as you don’t do it too often.

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“Take it like a man”

“But I don’t have any balls” (only works for women)

:smiley:

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“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out–please let me do it!”

“Grow up–instead of out!”

“Old as dirt–and twice as ugly!”

“You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’–and I’m the captain of this ship!”

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THESE ARE GREAT! Thanks!!!

If you can think of any other cliche…let me know. I thought of another one that is commonly used and need help with it too.
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”

Someone suggested this for it…but…I didn’t think it was that funny.
Attributed to Andrew Jackson and his horse…when the former Indian fighter once said he had a horse so dumb that while he kept leading it to water, the foolish mare would not drink up…