The US and Canada have the longest unguarded border in the world (coret me if I’m wrong). Canada also has two major league baseball teams and the US accepts Canadians very warmly (although we will make fun of the accent from time to time). With all this friendliness between the two nations, I was wondering what could cause a war between the US and Canada. Here’s what I came up with:
The US, finally tired of French people praising Jerry Lewis as a comedic genius and not letting us forget that they helped us during the Revolutionary War, declare war on France and carry our aggression over into Quebec.
The US decides Canada is only staying there to keep Alaska separated from the rest of the country and decide to do something about it.
Canada gets sick of the US making fun of their accents (aboot :: snicker snicker : and constantly poking fun of our dollar being valued higher than their dollar. (Admit it, US citizens, how many times have you found a Canadian quarter in your pocket and been pissed you can’t use it cuz it’s not considered ‘real’ money?)
Well, there is that current issue about extradition to the US for a murder commited in the US by a Canadian. I say America carpet bombs Ottawa and… wait… Canadians won’t notice Ottawa missing… how about Quebec City…nope, no good, you might his some American tourists… hmmmmm… can’t do Toronto, they are practically American. Montreal has some pretty nice stip joints and excellent smoked meat so that’s out of the question. The Maritimes? Nope, even less chance of anyone noticing. Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg and Regina are essentially in the middle of nowhere so why bother. Vancouver is so darn pretty it would be a shame.
Well… I say that settles it… Canada is essentially not worth attacking. It’s very simple really. If America wants Canada then all the US gov’t has to do is, for a limited time, offer every Canadian a US$ par exchange on the Canadian dollar. You will be amazed how fast Canadians will begin singing the star spangled banner - the Quebecois will lead the chorus.
Since the British Columbians reluctantly let Glen Clark go I think the odds of war between the U.S. and Canada have gone down considerably.
Their have been a few wars already, n’est pas? IIRC, we were on opposite sides in 1776 and again in 1812. Here in the Northwest we had “Fifty-four forty or fight!” and the Pig Wars in the San Juan Islands. So it might not take much.
I once almost precipitated an armed conflict between our countries all by myself. Part of my work involves simulating air missions. The default map background for the software was the Pacific Northwest region, essentially Washington and British Columbia. Since I couldn’t be bothered to change maps I put the simulated strike targets on Vancouver Island. This was during the “Salmon Wars” so it was good for a laugh when outsiders dropped in for demonstrations.
Until the Canadian Air Force came by.
There wasn’t enough time to change the demo, so I had to demonstrate a simulated mission against British Columbia to Canadian Air Force personnel. The very worst thing was that one target I had selected was the airbase these guys were stationed at.
Fortunately, they were very good natured about it. They pointed out at what point in the scenario they would scramble their jets and shoot us out of the sky. They were kidding. I think.
You Goofy Yanks ain’t got a chance against the mighty Canadians!!!
We have many weapons, and we’re not very afraid to use some of them…
We have several hundreds of thousands of flash frozen beavers, cocked and locked on many yank targets.
We have buckets of flash frozen maple syrup ready to be dropped from our recently upgraded bi-plane airforce.
Our armoured units have just fed the dogs and remounted the black powder rifles on the sleds…which just happen to be…ya you guessed it, flash frozen.
Our Commander, Burton Cummings, and his aides, Anne Murray, Myles Goodwyn, and Dan Hill, are well versed in the art of war. Well…well versed in the art of singing.
You get my point!!! Don’t make us mad or you’ll all be dressed in flannel by the end of the week.
In closing, Jesus was a Canadian…“Forgive them Pierre, they no not what the do, eh?”
You may want to post that again. I can’t get past the above sentence. I can’t believe you can use the words “cocked” and “yank” in the same sentence without talking about sex or masturbation.
Then there’s the whole joke about having all those Canadian beavers cocked.
Has anybody seen Canadian Bacon (Starring John Candy)?
How do we know Canada isn’t massing for an invasion already? 90% of their population is already gathered on the border with the U.S…they can attack any moment!! We must defend ourselves!
We also control your entertainment industry. Michael J Fox isn’t ill. He was recalled from active duty. Of course our most valuable asset in the American theater is Peter Jennings.
Yeah well go ahead and try to invade the U.S. I don’t know if you have been to Michigan’s U.P. lately, but we have been silently massing the greatest collection of potato guns the world has ever seen.
Besides the war wouldn’t be any fun anyway, It’d be over to quick. We’d have to even things up, like just Idaho vs Alberta or something.
Here we go afreek’ngain…
Because the average Canadian penis has roughly the same girth as a beer can, and the average length of atleast two American wanks, (or yank wanks) the average Canadian female has no choice except to be locked after engaging in “canoeing” with a Canadian male.
Or…if you can’t buy that load of tripe, then how aboot this.
A cocked a locked beaver is nothing to be trifled with.
Honest Officer…I was cleaning it…and it just went off!!
and constantly poking fun of our dollar being valued higher than their dollar. (Admit it, US citizens, how many times have you found a Canadian quarter in your pocket and been pissed you can’t use it cuz it’s not considered ‘real’ money?)