I just got this one: “You can depend on the trust of the collective”
I found it kind of creepy. Someone was paid to write that bit of hive-mind inanity! If that can get into a cookie, then I’m sure we can do better!
Let’s see your best stuff!
Wait, aren’t you now trusting the collective to help you come up with better fortunes? It came true!
I prefer the more straightforward: “Resistance is futile”.
I’d chalk it up to poor translation.
Beware the black owl.
“He who bases decisions on a message in a cookie is doomed to failure”
Ha. I had chinese just this morning. I asked my husband to read me my fortune. He cracked it and ‘read’ it to me;
“You are a superstitious retard”
“Your children hate you because you are a terrible parent.”
I like the rude ones:
You are a fool, and everything you attempt will fail.
The ugly, stupid child is the only one that is really yours.
Next time, try a low carb diet, lard butt.
in bed.
Error 404
Fortune not found.
Yeah, we always did the “in bed” thing. Until I got one that said, “You like children and animals.”
My crowd said “. . . between the sheets”–different words, same idea.
I once went out with a friend and her 12-year-old daughter, and taught them the addendum. Soon, the daughter and her friends were mouthing “. . . between the sheets” after every sentence the teachers spoke.
…but certainly better than the one in the OP:
Help! I’m being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery!
“You will die, alone and afraid, knowing that not a single human being ever loved you, lucky numbers 3, 18, 80"
The last one I got said “Joe Don Baker is in your linen closet”.
**They’re laughing at you. Not with you- at you.
**
I am the Lord thy God. Bow to me. NOW!!!
Your lucky numbers have been taken from you until you are ready.
Did Joe Don Baker ever come out of the closet? (I always knew that sumbtch was queer.)
You do not have a novel in you, only a limerick.
Don’t look up. Room bugged—act casual.
I sought to discover my fate
From a note in a cracker I ate;
The ersatz advice
Wasn’t what I’d call nice,
But the moo goo gai pan sure was great! 
Can your fortune come true if it is incom