So... now your job is writing fortune cookie fortunes. What do you write?

As a segwayfrom this story.

They need to be short, reasonably clean and not lame like these run of the mill generic fortune cookie sayings.
Here are mine - What are yours
Really? It had to be those shoes?
Bee’s love you even if you don’t love them back.
Is that really all the game you’ve got?
You are stronger than 1000 camels!

Nobody likes you. Accept it and move on.

Your children are trying to kill you.

There is only one way out.

Broken cookie, broken dreams.

Sorrow follows joy on the rollercoaster of life.

It probably is a tumor.

I could do this all day, but enough for now. <-Is that a good cookie saying?

You will not be able to add the words “in bed” to this fortune.

You will not be able to add the words “in bed” to this fortune in bed.

Still works. Sorry, dude.

No matter where you go, there you are.

The light at the end of the tunnel could be you.

Sanity is for losers.

I would write actual fortunes and none of these sayings one often finds. These are fortune cookies, not cryptic saying cookies.


“The man in the red sweat pants will betray your trust”
“Your death will be quick and painless”
“Your death will be long and lingering”
“On your 75th birthday, one candle will extinguish before you blow it out”

Look behind you, NOW!

You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.

You have a particular set of skills.

To order The Antidote, send a SASE and $29.95 +shipping to SNF industries. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

I’m right behind you.

I’m watching you.

Eww, I can see your boogers from here.

Stop masturbating so much.

Your hands smell like Chinese food.

This fortune is #546 in a series of 1000. Collect them all.
This is not a fortune. It is the “pin” on the grenade that you have just pulled
Inspected by #5
Do not remove this fortune Under Penalty of Law
Learn Chinese! Food Poisoning = Shíwù zhòngdú
Now that you’ve made it to the Chinese REstaurant, here is the next step. Leave $50,000 in unmarked bills under the park bench if you ever want to see the Chairman again.
We have the most elegant proof of Fermat’s theorem, but this fortune is too small to write it down.

“You can be whatever you want to be as long as you keep your aspirations really low.”

“The magic number is 17. Just figure out where and when to use it.”

“Almost everyone you know is faking it. Identifying the real ones is your goal.”

“Pie is better than cake so get one on your next birthday. People will thank you.”

“No one is ever lonely or unhappy if they have a pet goat.”

“Help, I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory”!

Well, if you really want to kill . . . Sorry, you took the wrong cookie.

“This coupon good for one free shoeshine at Bobby Mack’s Shine-O-Rama.”

Cookie not fit for human consumption.

Thank you! The main thing wrong with fortune cookies is they don’t have fortunes in them. These are great. Especially that first one!

”This cookie contains potassium benzoate. That’s bad.”

“You’ll meet a tall dark stranger. Who will hate you.”

“Stop licking the sugar spoon.”

“Your local sports team will continue to suck for the foreseeable future.”

“You will have a short but lucrative career in the medical guinea pig industry.”

“Don’t pet the bitey things.”

“They found you. RUN!”

The kitchen is infested with cockroaches.

Here’s one I actually found in a cookie: “To be healthy, eat more Chinese food”.

At the same restaurant, some of the fortunes were ads for psychic hotlines, and I got one that gave a phone number to call if you wanted to advertise in their cookies.

“You will die.”

“Confucius say: Man who go through turnstile at airport sideways going to Bangkok.”

“Confucius say: Person who fart in church going to sit in own pew.”

“…in bed.” Works for me!

How about something more cheery:

“The person who gave you this cookie didn’t wash their hands after using the toilet.”

“I know what you did, and you will pay for it in blood.”

“They’re all laughing at you behind your back.”

“There are rats in your future. So many rats.”

“Horoscopes are all lies. Only fortune cookies hold the truth about your future…what little there is left of it.”

“Play the lottery tomorrow using the numbers 3, 12, 23, 26 and 37. You might win. You might not. Who knows? Not me - I’m just a cookie.”

“He watches you in your sleep. One day soon, he will do more than merely watch…”