Gah. That sucks, but at least you do have other family (whether biological or chosen), and you have a loving relationship, and you have people who care about you.
All these asshats have is hate, and intolerance, and neither of those things will keep them warm at night. Sounds like they never deserved to have jeremy evil in their life in the first place.
It’s not often I get the chance to say “I agree with december” but I think his advice is good.
Either way, and in any case, best of luck to the both of you. May the road rise up to meet you and all that jazz.
I think a substantial portion of Scott’s outrage stems from the vile, passive-agressive way in which they communicated their “beliefs.” That probably mattered a whole lot more than just their backasswards attitude.
Sending such as nasty note in a birthday card is like me showing up on your birthday and giving you a box wrapped in pretty, colourful paper with a big, fancy bow on top. Just when you think I’m playing nice, you open the box to find a turd inside. Ha-ha. Fooled you.
Who cares if those fuckfaces “don’t believe in it”? Fine. They can fuck off and go do their own thing. But to go out of their way to be nasty and hurtful is even more aggressivley offensive.
As for Scott getting between is soon-to-be-spouse and his non-laws: I don’t think that’s much of an issue since Jeremy has already legally de-familyfied himself from them. I see no problem with cutting them off completely if it puts an end to the turds-in-a-box.
BTW – Where do I send a wedding gift?
Normally I would agree with the people saying don’t cut them off completely, try to communicate with them.
However, given the passive-aggressive behavior they’ve shown with the birthday card, I think any further contact with them at all would be a bad idea. I’ve seen it tried before. The parent used the pretense that she was willing to keep the connection open and discuss the issue only to inflict further hurt. Parents know too well how to push your buttons, and sometimes you can’t heal from the harm they’ve done until you’ve excised them completely.
Don’t even send them nasty notes or any response at all. Return any communication from them unopened.
By the way, although I haven’t contributed to any of the threads leading up to your marriage, I have watched them with glee–congratulations to both of you, and have a wonderful time.
Not if you would feel that you are giving into ignorance and evil. I personally would feel like I “lost” by letting things like this pass, and in a way I would be right, since after awhile, it simply would not be worth it to spend years trying to build a relationship with an asshat, even if it does pay off.
I, personally, would just do as much as possible to distance myself from memories of prejudice. I wouldn’t write a scathing letter nor take revenge any other way: that too would be allowing them to win. Neither would I write a neutral statement of the facts, since that would, odds are, set me up for more of the same, as a response. Of course, that’s jsut my feelings, ymmv.
Life’s too short to suck up to people, you have to weigh what they can provide.
So then they won’t be buying you and Jeremy a love napkin?
Bastards. Now I may just have to get two.
so sorry about the parents, but as I have often heard in my life since coming out, you ahve the family you are born to, and the family you make. most of us in the G/L/B/whatever world have been hurt by our biological families, so we cut them out. some return to us becasue they really do love us and come to accept the happiness we find in our lives. but if they do not, as it seems J’s family is not, then it is upon them, and not us to change.
jsut break off contact, return mail or other items unopened, and just subtly let them know they are out of your life. maybe some day they will honestly try to come back in, and maybe then you can decide if you wnat to let them back in or not. like December said, don’t burn bridges now that you may regret burning later.
Hey scott, how’d you pull off getting married? Best of luck to you, of course.
But a warning: you may try, and sincerely desire, to remove his parents from his life. You probably will not succeed. They may be dickholes, but they will continue to be meddlesome interfering dickholes despite your best efforts. You probably need to try your best to convert those dickholes to a more accepting position, or else this will be an issue constantly hanging over your heads, disrupting your marital bliss.
It would be nice if you could just cut those people out of your life, but the sad fact is that they will find a way to remain part of your life. I find that most people, when enough time separates them from the reality of what they deem an unpleasant situation, eventually reach a moderate position of acceptance. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that these folk will eventually lose the passion they presently feel, and come to some semi-rational position that you can deal with.
I believe it’s a man who has the “talent” to open his arse-cheeks wide, wide, WIDE! (No, I have never seen it and I am never going to)
And to Scott: Fuck 'em. Congrats on your wedding, mate. I hope things turn out all fine and dandy.
Well, happy fucking birthday!
Sheesh, and I thought the never-ending battle with my mother about whether or not I’d have brideslaves was obnoxious.
It boggles my mind that someone would go the time, expense, and trouble of buying a birthday card for someone they’re estranged from for the express purpose of getting a nasty jab in at what’s supposed to be a happy time.
Good luck guys!
Scott, while your anger is justified, I concur with Scylla that you should not become the go-between and protector for your spouse. The best thing you can do is to support your spouse in dealing with his parents the way he wants to, and to let him do it. He needs to take responsibility for that. If he doesn’t, and he starts to long to reconcile with his parents, he’ll blame you for getting in the way.
Who knows, one day your spouse and his parents may truly reconcile. Where does that leave you after your outburst at them?
While it would be perfect reasonable for you to communicate to your in-laws how much you love their son, and why their actions are hurtful to you (because they are hurtful to their son, whom you love), it would be a Bad Idea to force an outcome based on your anger when it is your husband’s decision of what to do with his parents.
Undoubtedly, it is perfectly appropriate not to invite people to a wedding that they’ve already voiced their disapproval over, but let that be you husband’s decision. He’ll respect and love you more if you support him in the decisions he makes rather than make decisions for him.
And if he has trouble making those appropriate boundary decisions (whether it’s letting his parents ruin his wedding day or letting his spouse make decisions for him), then he should get counseling. Couple counseling in this situation may even be preferable so you two have a united front and strategy.
Peace.
moriah, if you aren’t a counselor, you should be.
Poly, don’t suppose you’ve gotten any word from your Friend Upstairs on when we get our spring vacation[sup]1[/sup] from those visitors?
[sup]1. We here talk about “oh, it’s vacation time already?” when we get young-sounding people posting here because of their new-found time. So a vacation WITHOUT them would be nice:D[/sup]
My dear mother, the Voice of Authority on all wedding etiquette, gave me sage advice while my own soon-to-be relatives were refusing to attend my wedding.
The classier you act, the worst they look.
If, at some point, anyone asks about the absence of your partner’s parents, and you respond with an extended tirade of insults against them, someone who didn’t know the situation could assume the worst about why they declined to attend. If you respond “They just couldn’t bring themselves to attend. Isn’t that unfortunate?”, people will assume that his parents are asshats, because you are so obviously nice and gracious a person.
Plus you then tap into that whole Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers against an unfeeling world, the-family-was-against-us-but-our-love-will-win-thru thing.
By all means, vent in the Pit if it helps - that’s what the Pit is for.
And be supportive of your fiancee. This is probably harder on him that anyone else.
Best wishes for your future happiness to you and your intended.
Regards,
Shodan
Ugh. I never understood how people can oppose something that is actually a responsible act. I mean…as I shake my head…do I need to go on?
Good luck. I don’t even have the energy to curse the ignorant fucks.
Ignorance does take long to fight…because it usually takes death to end the generation(s) of it.
Thank-you, Baker. While I am not a licensed counselor, I am a loving nurturer and member of several 12 step programs… oh, wait, that’s Stuart Smalley.
A minor in psych helps, as well as a long history of working as a first contact for people in crisis. I do lots of damage control and referrals to real counseling.
Peace.
Don’t worry, I was just venting here. Jer has already sent his ex-parents an email, and he informed me that they won’t be calling here ever again.
Pretty much everyone who we’ll be inviting knows that Jer’s ex-parents are evil, hate-filled pustules - all the more reason for them to come and be there for us on our special day. 
When I told my own parents that he’s estranged from his, and why, I really felt closer to them.
(Now I wanna invite all of you who replied to this thread!! Maybe I’ll just post a link to our gift registry instead… :D)
I agree with Scylla here. You are feeling supportive of your partner and are horrified that anyone could hurt him. But his feelings may be more complicated. The best thing you can do for him right now is to listen to him. Let him be the one to rant.
scott evil, as usual I’m a day late. I am sorry that you have such hatred and bigotry at a time when all should be happy. Gladly, you will not have to deal with them any longer.
I wish you happiness.
Don’t forget, if you are going to the Montreal Dopefest, it would be a great chance for a shower!
Now the guys will have to sit through the silly games, the "ooh that’s so cute " responses!