You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs!
Sons of a window-dresser with your silly knees-bent running about and prancing behavior.
You tiny-brained wiper of other people’s bottoms.
I’ve actually used this one a few tmes)
How do you think I got this outrageous accent, you silly King!
You second-hand electric donkey-bottom biter.
okay, so 20 years later it still makes me laugh out loud.
must be drain bamage.
If memory serves, the second verse is
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
and his elbows broken,
to have his kneecaps split
and his body burnt away,
and his legs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
As if you needed me to help you find Monty Python scripts on the web, here’s all you need:
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/scripts/
not that I think people should stop adding to this thread or anything. Coming up with lines from memory is the fun part.
my sister was once bitten by a moose…
Why not trei a holiday in Sweden this year?
The Management wishes to inform that those in charge of sacking those responsible for the credits have now been sacked.
Arthur: Now what happens?
Bedevere: Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise, not only by surprise but totally unarmed!
Arthur: Who … Who leaps out of the rabbit?
Bedevere: Uh … Launcelot, Galahad, and I … uh … leap out of the rabbit and …
Perhaps, if we were to build a large wooden badger…
And…
God: Arthur! Arrrrrthur … King of the Britons …
<Everyone prostrates themselves>
God: Oh, don’t grovel … do get up! If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people grovelling!!
Arthur: Sorry lord…
God: And don’t apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it’s sorry this and forgive me that and I’m not worthy… What are you doing now?
Arthur: I’m averting my eyes, o’ Lord.
God: Well, don’t. I really don’t know where all this got started. It’s like those miserable psalms. they’re so depressing. Now knock it of
Arthur: Yes, Lord.
(A huge Roman amphitheatre, sparsely attended. REG, FRANCIS, STAN and JUDITH are seated in the stands. They speak conspiratorially.)
Judith: Any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
Reg: Agreed.
(General nodding.)
Reg: Francis?
Francis: I think Judith’s point of view is valid here, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man–
Stan: Or woman.
Francis: Or woman…to rid himself–
Stan: Or herself.
Reg: Or herself. Agreed. Thank you, brother.
Stan: Or sister.
Francis: Thank you, brother. Or sister. Where was I?
Reg: I thought you’d finished.
Francis: Oh, did I? Right.
Reg: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man …
Stan: Or woman.
Reg: Why don’t you shut up about women, Stan, you’re
putting us off.
Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan: (pause) I want to be one.
(pregnant pause)
Reg: What?
Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to
call me Loretta.
Reg: What!?
Stan: It’s my right as a man.
Judith: Why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Stan: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies?!?!?!
Stan: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants
them.
Reg: But you can’t have babies.
Stan: Don’t you oppress me.
Reg: I’m not oppressing you, Stan – you haven’t got a womb. Where’s the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
(Stan starts crying.)
Judith: Here! I’ve got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can’t actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody’s fault, not even the Romans’, but that he can have the right to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg: (pissed) What’s the point?
Francis: What?
Reg: What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can’t have babies?
Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg: It’s symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Help! Help! There’s been a flood, and now I’m floating away in this church. Also floating along are all these very small rocks, cherries, and lead. Help!