Primaflora, you can be a brown-noser, if you like… or you can fetch coffee… we’ll find room for you!
Nah I don’t brown nose too good.
And fetching coffee is beneath my dignity
You’ll need to find something where I feel needed.
Hey, I can felch coffee- and I brung a marmot!
I’ll be the thankless drudge that has to go around fixing all the boss’s mistakes.
OK, so we got Alonist as official company coffee-felcher! And he brought us our official company mascot! Huzzah!
I thinking of a design for our corporate flag: something with a marmot wearing two ties, perhaps? Hmmm…
Also working on a flow chart of our organization, it should be pretty easy: me and Two Tie Tommy(who is on double-secret probation since the cyber-sex incident) on top connected by a line, lines going off to the side linking to Astrogirl and Mrs. TTT, and everyone else below in a jumble…
Euty, as official Astroscrewup-fixer, you will be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
What to do with Prima? You do windows Prima? Can you translate Korean into English and vica-versa? Let me see your resume, please…
Get to work everyone! Life has NOT endowed me with the money I need for the lifestyle to which I (would like to friggin’ be) accustomed: I need money!
These suckers is endangered -don’t give 'em any coffee.
I wanna be the harried-looking middle-aged woman who’s been around forever, knows how it used to be done, knows where all the old files are, does as much work as ten others but is pretty much ignored because she can’t pull off the mini-skirt look. And just to make it interesting, I’ll wear too much perfume and I’ll always be passing around envelopes to collect for b-days, retirements, get wells, new babies, and other such mundane office events.
Can I?? Huh?? Please?? I can even pull my hair into a scruffy looking bun…
I regret to say that I have extensive experience in taking meeting minutes, can type 50 wpm, and know all of the MS Office Suite software. I’m not sure how I look in a miniskirt but I’ll give it a go; however, the first one a youse who pinches my ass will get such a slap…
Do you need Flunkies, or Minions?
Flunkies still have to be paid.
Minions, on the other hand, can subsist on your charismatic radiations and the crumbs that fall from your mouth as you eat.
Flunkies will suck up, but their hearts really aren’t in it. Minions will fawn and ego-stroke with great abandon.
Just a thought.
I want to be the CEO’s nephew who has painfully few skills but gets the corner office with no true responsibilities. You guys will have to be nice to me, invite me out to bars w/ y’all and stuff.
I’ll get used to you talking about me behind my back - mostly b’cause I won’t get that you’re talking about me. I’ll just interrupt your talking circle and start laughing with you or just nod knowingly, desparately trying to fit in.
(Of course you’ll hire me; my uncle will make you!)
I am applying for the position of Olympic Class Slacker who, during moments of company wide deadline panic, will pick up the ball and run laughing past all who are pulling their hair.
Oh wait a second, I already have that job.
You guys need a bartender on staff?
Can I be the ever so efficient older secretary, the one who has your call waiting before you asked for it to be placed, gives you folders as you ask for them (remember Radar in MASH?), the one everyone ignores until I’m not there,and then the office falls apart?
Ooooh! Can I be the front-desk receptionist who handles 8 12 incoming lines at once (two of which have asked “how are you?” :mad: ), who can fix the copy machine getting a minimum of toner all over everything (sometimes), who drinks way too much coffee, who complains about FCM’s perfume but never confronts her about it, and who is just too damned busy at work to have a social life, much less a normal life. With no social life, I am at work a full hour before start time and leave a full hour after everone else. I am professional, but I have a slight sardonic edge to my voice, hiding the resentment because no one ever thanks me for the extra work I do.
Oh, and I wear jeans and collared shirt to work (because of the copier). It’s in my contract.
FairyChatMom, you’re hired! But before you approach me for donations, know that I gave at the office! 
Oh, wait a second… DAMN!!:mad:
jr8, you’ll be working directly under Astrogirl (a position that I find quite delightful, FTR, but I digress…). She would prefer you to answer her every request with, “Yes, Mistress.”
As for the pinches on your tender little bottom; I, for one, would never think of such a thing! A grope or a fondle, perhaps… but never a pinch!
Rue, we need both! We don’t care whether their hearts are in it or not… they both grind under the heel with the same satisfying crunch!
[sup]I’m gonna like being a Robber-Barron![/sup]
Spritle, you’re hired… but only because Two Tie Tommy says I HAVE to hire you! Sheesh… nepotism!
[sup]General muttering in the background: “Spritle is friggin’ USELESS! Why’d they hire him??” “I hear he’s the nephew of TTT, and TTT’s wife said she wouldn’t… you know… until he gave Spritle a job…”[/sup]
Sweet Walter, the position of Olympic Class Slacker is already filled (by ME!), however we do indeed need a bartender! You’re hired!! I’ll take a scotch and soda… take TTT a scotch on the rocks.
You’re hired, Lyllyan! You will be responsible for keeping things operating smoothly while TTT and I drink in our offices (and, rumor has it, hold bizarre rituals involving marmot felching and virgins…)…
screech, you sound perfect for the job! You’re hired! See Kallessa. She will show you the training video, get you a name-tag and a hair-net, and teach you the company song (which everyone lines up in front of the building to sing as TTT and I arrive at work each morning).
This little corporate family is shaping up nicely!
But, still, what do we do with Prima? Hmmm… Prima, you any good with a whip? We still need a company Moral Officer!
Get to work, everyone!!
Oh, and screech, one more thing: we will discuss the dress-code issue further after all of us have had a chance to check out and compare notes about your butt in those jeans…
Sometimes a tight pair o jeans beats a mini-skirt hands down!
Heck, Astroboy, I’m in.
I would like to be considered for the position of bored, cynical marketing guy who believes he doesn’t need to know the product to sell it.
As a bonus, I want to be the guy who gets to slap around vendors because, just this once, I’m in the position of having the Y/N power.
I don’t look good in a mini-skirt but I do a great bored.
OK, Jonathan Chance, I like your attitude regarding vendor relations: you’re hired!
You will hang out in front of the office (when your duties do not require you to be on the phone), doing your best bored, and shooing away the proletariat… feel free to spit upon them and curse them.
As for the mini-skirt issue, please wear it until we have all seen you and compared notes… then we’ll have you try the tight jeans. We will need to await the input from our non-hetero friends/employees. Required dress is a flexible, but important, thing!
Regarding the product knowledge issue: no problem! Our product is as flexible as our dress-code! Basically, we do whatever we can con people into paying us to do (and I do mean ANYthing!)!
I’m going to bed. But that’s no excuse for the rest of you to slack off!
Keep working!
I expect you to be outside the office tomorrow morning, bowing and singing the company song!
Hey, Boss, sorry to interrupt… uh, you know Patsy in Accounting? Well, tomorrow is the third anniversary of her dog getting spayed, so I’ve got this card for you to sign… And if you’d like to kick in for the gift - most everybody else is putting in about $5…
Great! When do I start? Do you want me to introduce myself to the staff?
Oh wait. I don’t have to listen to you. :0
I’ll see you when I get in.