Dammit! I gave at the office!!!
What? Oh. Crap!
OK, here’s ten bucks (can’t seem cheap in front of the employees).
[sup]'night all![/sup]
Spritle, you don’t HAVE to listen to me… true enough! But I, on the other hand, don’t HAVE to tell iampunha and Mnementh NOT to thrash you within an inch of your life, either!
Your desk is in the corner, behind the photocopier…
[sup]this time I’m REALLY going to bed![/sup]
::gets $5 out of pocket::
Here my $5, FCM, I thought you’d be by sooner or later [sub]especially since your Eau de Molto Troppo showed up ten minutes ago[/sub].
[sub]Speak for yourself - tight jeans ain’t flexible![/sub]
Hey boss – I can’t seem to find a leather miniskirt in my size. Plus, I’m not used to shaving my legs, and they’re a gruesome site. Can I take the tight bluejeans option instead?
P.S. Did I mention that I’m able to fix most standard office machines with only a letter opener? It’s a skill that’s come in handy quite often…
Hey boss – I can’t seem to find a leather miniskirt in my size. Plus, I’m not used to shaving my legs, and they’re a gruesome sight. Can I take the tight bluejeans option instead?
P.S. Did I mention that I’m able to fix most standard office machines with only a letter opener? It’s a skill that’s come in handy quite often…
Astroboy14, I’d like to be the office cut-up, who wears goofy ties, makes awful puns, zaps coworkers with a joy buzzer, plants whoopie cushions on chairs, posts unfunny and borderline sexist cartoons on the bulletin board in the break room, and does little to no actual work.
Oooh, ooh, I wanna be the systems person who is the only one who knows how the network and computers work and humiliates everyone who approaches with a question/problem! You don’t have to pay me much, 'cause I get off on the god-like power my position holds! Bwaaa-hhaaaa-haaaaaa!!!
(I don’t get to be like that in real life…damned customer service culture…;))
Ok, everybody, everybody?? Can I have your attention?? As you all know, Mothers Day is coming up soon, and since there are so many mothers in this company, I thought it’d be a good idea to have a potluck over lunch, say, next Friday? So, I’m putting this signup list on the breakroom bulletin board. I need you all to sign up to bring something in. And you single guys can’t get away with just bringing napkins or plastic forks - I expect you to bring REAL FOOD!
Now, you’ll see I’ve broken the list out by food types - salads, meats, veggies, bread, desserts. Let’s get a good variety. And just to make it REAL fun, since it’s for Mothers Day, why don’t we each pick one of our own moms’ best recipes? OK?? Guys?? Don’t forget to sign up now!
I already did all the work you had planned to tell me about on Monday, so I am taking the day off.
However, I anticipated that you would want Prima’s resume, so I had it faxed over. It’s on your desk. I have already prepared the proper forms and contacted her. She can start Monday. And by the way, next Wednesday, at the BIG meeting, please check your chair before you sit down. Fiver plans on planting a whoopie cushion.
Ooooo…I wish to apply for the position of Executive Assistant. You know the one that wears the “innapropriate office attire” that all the guys love and the women talk about.
I have experience and refrences on request.
[30s voice]Whatever you say, boss.[/30s voice]
::flexes arms across chest and tenses up neck so it’s wider than his head::
jr8, you may try the tight jeans subject to the approval of myself and the other males… we’ll let you know! Oh, and could you please wear a tight top showing a lot of cleavage? We’d appreciate that.
Fiver, you’re hired! Your fist assignment is to booby trap [sup]Mmmm… Boobies![/sup] TTT’s office. I suggest the whoopy cushions, and maybe some black shoe polish on the phone…
TroubleAgain, you’re hired! Our office computers run Korean Windows, however… so you’ll have to spend your evenings taking Korean lessons for the next 10 years or so… as for the pay issue: it’s a good thing that you get off on the power!
FairyChatMom, sign me up for a big vat of chili and a bottle of tequila! Woo Hoo!
Lyllyan, good work. Please spend your day off thinking of ways to make me happy…
Arden, scantily clad Exec. Assistant, eh! I LIKE it!! You’re hired! (gotta say this before one of the other office wise-crackers does: you do take, um, “dictation”, right?
)
I’m leaving now to go into the office… I expect to see you all lined up outside bowing and singing the company song, “The Ballad of the Feltched Marmot.”
Like a pro.
Astroboss arrives at the office and returns the bows of his subordinates as the last strains of “The Ballad of the Felched Marmot” fade away…
Good morning, people! Ladies, please line up for the morning mini-skirt/tight jeans/cleavage inspection.
Nice… Nice… VERY nice!
How YOU doin’, ladies?
OK, let’s get to work!
Alonist, felch me some coffee!
AB enters his office and sits at his desk…
bbBRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPP!
WTF? Fiver!!:mad:
Get to work, people! My BMW Z8 ain’t gonna buy itself, ya know!
I think I’ll be the office gossip.
With a whip
OK, Prima he’s your whip! And your first piece of gossip: whisper[sup] I hear that Tommy Two Tie still wets the bed, and his wife makes him sleep in the bathtub every night! Don’t tell anyone, K?[/sup]
Somebody needs to go next door and get me a soda. And tell that bimbo that if she comes near me with an envelope, we’re going be taking a collection for her get well present.
Hello, I said I needed a soda. I get kinda talkative when my sugar level gets low. Maybe you should bring me a donut, too. And make sure it’s fresher than the jokes that Fiver doofus is always pulling. Everybody thinks they’re a comedian.
I’ll get 'ya a soda and a doughnut Kallessa! I need to go get some smokes anyhow (BTW: as you can tell from the haze hanging thickly from the ceiling, this IS a smoking office!)…
AB pushes open the door and immediately is covered with grape jello from a bucket balanced on the lintel…
DAMMIT, Fiver!!:mad: Thsi is an office, not a playpen!!
What is everyone laughing at? This isn’t funny, it’s juvenile!
Get to work, everyone!
::perches on Astroboss’s desk and does her nails while he’s gone::
::psst Arden?::
did you hear about what Astroboss and Astrogirl like to do on weekends? And why she really keeps going away?