Wedding questions I have no idea of the answers to.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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**1. Am I changing my name? **
I dunno. Are you? Do you think of yourself as Alice N. Wonderland? Or have you started thinking about how your name would look written out Alice N. Hubbysname? (Alternatively, Alice W. Hubbysname?)
If marriage was a surprise, how about kids? If you are planning to produce or adopt any, give some thought to whether you want to answer a lot of stupid questions about why their names differ from one of the parents.
Has Future Husband given any indication that he cares? Proposed joint/hyphenated name? Proposed a new invented name for both of you? Proposed taking your name? Made an issue of you taking his?

2. Are we writing our own vows?
How do you feel about saying something special vs the effort to come up with “something special” to say? The traditional vows have the advantage of being mildly poetic, as well as traditional. More importantly, they are short. In the height of the “We wrote our own” craze of the 70s, the worst thing about the wedding was listening to ten minutes of one person swearing undying love and laundry to the other one in what sounded like a legal contract written by a lovesick 14-year-old poet, to which the other responded with a similarly long response. The best vows written by the couple explain, briefly, what they intend to do with the rest of their lives together. “Why” is acceptable, but not necessary.

3. When are we going to start a family?
“Getting married IS starting a family.” (If pressured about kids: “I can’t imagine what would prompt you to ask such a personal question.” ) (I’m sure Miss Manners has the exactly appropriate reply in one (or more) of her books.)

4. Are you inviting X, Y or Z to the wedding?
“We’re inviting you to the wedding. We hope that you will come to celebrate our joy with us.”

5. Where are we going to register?
This one is more open-ended. If you each have your own stuff and really have no need for new china and bedsheets, think of how your guests can give you something meaningful, then pass that word along through the grapevine. If you are both starting out and need a lot of stuff, consider registering, after all–just don’t go nuts with $60+ items. One argument is that wedding registries are greedy and tacky. The opposing argument is that millions of people in the 21st century have no clue what sort of gift is appropriate to a wedding and the registry provides them with a way to find a gift that will not embarrass them or you. (Do not enclose registry information with the invitations; it shuld only be passed by word of mouth.)

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Yeah, that’s the easiest question here, because everyone registers at The Bay and everyone knows everyone registers there. Plus,you get to spend the afternoon in The Bay with The Gift Registration Gun! It’s fun, honest!

For the rest of the questions, I guess you have to think of answers or tell people to mind their own business (yeah, that always goes over well with family when a wedding is involved). A set answer of “We haven’t thought of that yet” could work nicely, too.

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1. Am I changing my name?
Is he changing his?

2. Are we writing our own vows?
If you have to think about whether to do it, don’t do it. Writing your own vows should be because you have something to say.

3. When are we going to start a family?
Who knows?

4. Are you inviting X, Y or Z to the wedding?
X & Z, also P, D, & Q, but not Y.

5. Where are we going to register?
Kitchen supply stores are good. Or, say, Target.

24

Don’t write your own vows. If I hear one more embarrassing “I promise to always be your swoodgy woodgums”…

Seriously, the traditional vows are lovely. Toss out “obey”, say “husband and wife”, and let’s all get out of this damned church and start the drinking.

25

Sorry, duplicate post. Guess I need to get to quittin’ time and start drinking myself.

26

You guys are so awesome!

The name thing is really a bit of a thing - neither of us has any opinion. I have a ‘famous’ IRL name. If the Mr. changed his last name to mine he would also have a ‘famous’ IRL name which is sort of hilarious.

I guess I could hyphenate. Although I’m not sure I want to be Mrs. Wonderland-Lang, you know? It seems a bit twee or something. Also if we have kids and they get married to another hyphenate then it could wind up as Walter Jr. Wonderland-Lang-Smith-Jones. That seems sort of mean.

Honestly, neither of us has any opinion. I guess I’ll just start answering that. “I have no opinion.” In fact, maybe I could change my name TO that. Alice Ihavenoopinion. That could work.

I guess we’ll go ahead and register with the Bay. If people want to do something else the can, but if the want to get a gift and aren’t feeling creative that makes it easy.

Ok, more questions (because you all are doing so well with the first batch):

  1. Where are you going on your honeymoon?

  2. Is your dog going to participate in the ceremony? (Seriously. I thought my answer was ‘Hell NO!’ but apparently it’s becoming common.)

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:smack: Well, now don’t I feel like an asshole? :stuck_out_tongue:

I admire the girl’s fashion sense, though. You really should let her plan the wedding. She can collaborate with NinetyWt! It’ll be fab.

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To see your relatives, at the monkey house, at the zoo!

Sadly, no. He doesn’t have any monkey pajamas. sniff

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Ack! I hope not - this is the fun, non-asshole thread. And I told my niece she was very cheeky for asking that - she didn’t care, proving my point! :smiley:

I agree. I actually have a sock monkey at my cube at work (because what cube is complete without a sock monkey?) A number of my coworkers have urged me to get one of the dresses listed in NinetyWt’s link. :slight_smile:

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  1. To bed.:smiley:

  2. I thought he might perform the ceremony…:confused:

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As for #6, I’d highly recommend telling them that you’re going to Idaho. It’s tons of fun to watch people’s reactions. Ranging from “what the hell are you going to Idaho for?” to :: oh gosh, what do I say about Idaho?? :: to “What, are you really into corn or something?” (No, that’s Iowa.)

I really did go to Idaho for my honeymoon, so I didn’t tell people that just to be a jerk, but boy was it fun to throw people for a loop.

32

I am incapable of being humorous here on the dope, so here are my answers and suggestions. **The Superhero **and I got hitched 9 months ago so most of this stuff is still pretty fresh in my mind.
**1. Am I changing my name? **
Do either you or Walter have much of an opinion about this? If you both like your current names, keep them. This is by far the easiest choice. If you like Walter’s last name better than yours, take his. If he likes yours better than his, he could change his to yours. Or you could do what we did and make up a new last name (we used the letters from our original names to make a new name. Luckily, it worked out well.)

2. Are we writing our own vows?
You might try poking around the internets to find interesting vows if you don’t like the traditional ones, or ask whoever is officiating your ceremony for suggestions. We used a great thread on the indiebride messageboard and found tons of ideas for our ceremony, vows included, and just tweaked them a little to make them our own. The Superhero not only wrote his own vows, he memorized them. Mine I wrote out on a piece of lined paper and stuck it in the bodice of my dress.

3. When are we going to start a family?
We never got this question. I would probably answer something along the lines of “We’re having fun practicing” or “We’ll let you know.” Because really, it’s your own business. To us, getting hitched was the creation of a new family that included the two of us and our cats. YMMV.

4. Are you inviting X, Y or Z to the wedding?
Any questions about the guest list should probably be deflected if you haven’t put together the guest list yet. If you guys are paying for your own shindig, you get to decide whom to invite.

5. Where are we going to register?

It sounds like you have this one figured out, if there’s one store in Canada where everyone registers. We didn’t put any registry information in invites or anything, but if people asked we told them and we did mention it on our wedding website.

6. Where are you going on your honeymoon?
Um, this is something only you can answer. Are you taking one? We went on a pre-wedding honeymoon because of **The Superhero’s **school schedule.

7. Is your dog going to participate in the ceremony?
I think this would be waaay more of a hassle than it’s worth, personally, but if you have a dog that you feel could handle the situation and really want the dog there, go for it. “Hell no” is a good answer, IMHO.

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If you’re thinking of writing your own vows, be sure to clear this with whoever’s officiating at your wedding before putting a lot of effort into it. The rabbi who married me and Mr. Neville wasn’t willing to have us do custom vows. Part of the reason for that is that vows aren’t really a part of a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, though I suspect wanting to spare guests from stuff like “I promise to always be your snoogy woogums” might have been a factor, too.

34

You “start a family” when you get married.

I seriously wish people would stop using “start a family” as a euphemism for “have kids.”

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Echoing featherlou here. Stave them off with a nice “I’m still basking in the engagement, I really haven’t thought of it yet!”. Put it off for as long as possible, and once you do, stick to your guns.

Come to think, every single one of those questions (except #2 and the last one, I had Catholic Mass and I don’t own a dog) led to some sort of confrontation with someone in my or my FH’s family, so I wish I hadn’t shared quite so much at the time. You should use this as practice making desicions that only involve the two of you! Plus you do want to enjoy the engagement. It’s a sweet time.

**1. Am I changing my name? **
Latina, we usually keep our last name. My father and sister were hurt but it meant a lot to my husband, so I did. Don’t regret it. Feel a twinge now and then, but I’m a hopeless romantic and the look on his face when he called me “Mrs.” was and will continue to be worth it.

3. When are we going to start a family?
I married a man with a child, so I married into their family. Adjustments continue to be made on both sides, but it did result in certain aspects he took for granted that I did not, and I’ve learned by doing. My mother still asks, every time she calls, if I am pregnant, and I reiterate to her that I have a child, just not one I birthed.

4. Are you inviting X, Y or Z to the wedding?
Horrid one. Lasted months. Mr. Flea is estranged from father, and this resulted in almost a year’s worth of tearful fights and outright threats regarding inviting him. He finally caved to my MIL. Also, I ended up with most of MIL’s childhood friends and work buddies. Even though we paid for our wedding, you end up making a lot of concessions based on people that offer to help with money. You accept the help because you need it, but then you’re obligated. Awkward. Don’t truly regret it because the gifts were good and I loved my wedding day, but I would have spared him the drama and myself the stress. I planned our end of the list as follows: Asked after a couple of pals every day, wrote them down, then went over it with him one day. Then gave parents the # of people they could invite, and held as fast as I could. Any parent that went over the # had to pay for their extras, since I was trying to save for the honeymoon.

5. Where are we going to register?
Didn’t want a shower, then I wanted to register for honeymoon. MIL wouldn’t hear of it and threw us traditional shower, but got good gear in the end. If you already live together, use to upgrade: nicer towels, nicer dishes, or to get things you would never buy but are so lovely to have, like a cashmere throw to cuddle under.

6. Where are you going on your honeymoon?
This was actually an issue between me and FH. I had always dreamt of Venice for a honeymoon. He was interested in Spain. I eventually got my way, we went to Italy, and it was the single best trip of my life. I loved every second and recommend it highly if you are not a beach person.
I got married a little over a year ago, and here’s my take on it: Minimize the amount of work. I got married in a traditional ceremony, picked certain readings, etc but otherwise by the book. The ceremony goes by in such a blur, I might as well not have bothered. All the little details will drive you nuts, and people are only being polite by asking. They don’t really want to know, unless it’s to share their own horror stories or give you unsolicited advice. It’s like asking what you’re going to name the baby:they want to know so they can mock it, and you don’t need that.

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For the kids question, the practicing is a good answer. “We keep trying and trying and trying and trying, but nothing happens! Maybe we’re doing it wrong.”

I love Shayna’s idea of getting a list of stuff you might use, but not necessarily at a specific place. I always thought registering was uncomfortably close to asking for things, which I didn’t like, but I love this idea. Now to just get divorced and married again to put it to practice!

Don’t write your own vows. Yeah, the vows are traditional, but you’re actually, you know, vowing something. I’ve heard too many “original” vows that don’t actually promise anything: “I saw you that day and love you in blue so what the hell? Let’s get hitched.” I admit to liking the formality of the traditional vows; people, I think, need the reminder of the gravity of the marriage they’re entering into (along with all the happiness of the day). They’re just so weighty; I love that. But yeah, no obeying. Hells no.

And many congrats, BTW!

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  1. Yes. Kick it old school on this one.

  2. No.

  3. Immediately after you get pronounced man & wife. Note this is literally true, and does not commit you to having children.

  4. Depends on if X, Y, or Z are likely to give gifts worth putting up with their company.

  5. At least one fancy dishes/housewares place, a liquor store, a casino, and a “marital aids” online store.

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Nude interpretive dance. To whale song.

Before honeymooning in Idaho.

We were going to start a family, but that horrible accident Walter had a few years ago left him, well…singing soprano…

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Especially if you think your parents or other friends/relatives might burst out laughing if you did say it. I’m sure mine would have said something like “Good luck with that” to Mr. Neville if I had promised to obey him.

40

Storytime: A friend of mine got married in a traditional southern baptist wedding, since her MIL hated her and this was a concession to her to try to make peace.

At the rehearsal, she mentions that she asked to have the “obey” taken out, because she’s a feminist and felt it was antiquated and had no place in an equal partnership. The minister, a lifelong friend of the groom’s family, accedes.

Fast forward to the wedding day, MIL is outside the church crying nd accepting condolences. Her only smile comes during the vows, when the minister slips it into the vows and all of her bridesmaids and the entire bride’s side of the church let out a stunned gasp. At that point, she had no choice but to graciously continue, red-faced, as she vowed to “Honor and Obey” between her teeth. The subsequent looks telegraphed between her, the groom and the MIL during the “man is the head, woman is the neck” homily were PRICELESS.