Go Alien, you’re hired. Welcome aboard.
Get busy.
Well, in that case:
::spies Q.N. Jones at the coffeehouse::
Mmmmm, that smells nice! What flavor of tea is that, that you’re drinking?
I just wanted to commmend **brachyrhynchos
** on all her earlier compilation and coding efforts. Thanks!
Since we’re talking about brachy’s list, I should point out that Super Gnat isn’t the only millionaire in town. A certain middle-school teacher has a live-in chauffeur, a live-in gardener, and a live-in cook, and is advertising for a live-in pool boy. I don’t think she’s paying for all that on a teacher’s paycheck. 
I am a nurse at the local hospital. I am single and live with my best friend who is also single and looking for a job. ::putting classifieds in front of her so she can help pay the rent::
You can usually see us at the local bars and clubs looking for single guys to have fun with.
On my spare time you can see me at the local book stores and at the library reading all of the wonderful books that they have.
Depends on what she teaches, doesn’t it?
Millionaires in Dopeville? I see a tax hike in everyone’s future. I need some new office furniture (do you know how hard it is to get certain stains ouf of a leather desk blotter?) and my secretary’s boob job appointment is next Tuesday.
Nope, no income tax in Dopeville. Everything is paid for through sales taxes.
Do we have a movie theatre yet?
I meant to say (putting)
Just saw the advertising for Doperpower, I’ll be sending my friend over right away. (can you give her a good paying job, I also want her to help me pay for the electric bill, she is always living the lights on all the time)
I beg your pardon? Mr. Firefly, it is bad manners at the very least to speculate about another’s income. I suggest you MYOB, or perhaps pick up a book on etiquette while you’re schmoozing at the bookstore.
Mr. Chance, I believe I mentioned Math and Science. If you can’t keep up, take notes.
[sub]Times like these, I could really use some lorgnettes…[/sub]
RTFirefly I know this particular school marm and I got the dirt on how she affords her staff.
[towngossip](hey, a drunk bear stumbling around town picks up on stuff ya know)FairyChatMarm (heehee I like that!) keeps a list of the crimes those little jds in her class have been up to. She uses that list to bribe their parents for huge sums of money monthly. She also provides her staff with certain errr…umm…cough benefits cough to keep em happy. [/towngossip]
[sub]swampbear, who smells cookies cooling in the kitchen window of a certain school marm and goes lumbering off[/sub]
Well, you know, for a moderate fee, I can be hired to glare haughtily at people and go, “well, really!”
Wow, swampbear, want a gossip column?
And FCM, I don’t need no stinkin’ notes. That’s what I’ve got reporters for.
No income tax, I"m talking about the personal property tax and the real estate tax. It’ll be a modest increase (my secretary only wants to go up to 38D).
Official Notice:
Open Mic Night at Skerri’s will be changed to Wednesday nights. (I can’t compete with Eve!) Bring your thinking caps and get your brains in gear. Win prizes, impress your friends, and pull a lot of useless knowledge from your nether regions! The $5 entry fee includes one beer or bar snack of your choice.
First place: A copy of the entire “Straight Dope” catalogue (Shame on you if you don’t have it already!)
Second place: A withered banana peel. (Come on, everyone knows second place is “first loser”. And no, I can’t remember where I heard that.)
Third place: Your choice of a $25 bar tab, or a $25 gift certificate to the Dopeville bookstore.
NOW HIRING:
Short order cook for late night bar crowd. Must be able to make great burgers and put up with owner’s goofy attitude.
Designated Driver needed. Great pay, van provided. Help me get these ginheads home safely! 
Jonathan Chance I’m yer bear for the gossip column. Only in Dopeville could the town bear write for the local newspaper. What a town! Come to think about it, only in Dopeville would you find a drunk bear stumbling down the street and eating cookies.
Gah. And now I realize that it’s Open Mic night, and not Trivia Night. Darn it! Well, the rest of the info applies to Monday nights.
Open Mic Night on Wednesdays! Come play your guitar, tell some jokes and have a great time! Rebound Guy is your host!
And taking notes.
Pisces
The new dishwasher was not a good idea. Perhaps you should have checked that you had running water first.
Gemini
Today’s word is synergy. Roll it around your tongue, like a Fisherman’s Friend. Spit it out, it tastes disgusting. Now you understand why you are twins.
Libra
I see a tall dark stranger in your life. He speaks in small capitals and uses agricultural implements. Sorry.
Sagittarius
Christmas is always hard on the wallet. Expect some financial news in January. Expect the bailiffs in February.
Aquarius
You have running water. You have much running water. Talk to your nearest Piscean, he/she/it needs your help.
Taurus
Your partner has some news for you. You hope its good news. I hope it’s good news too. But I am not a Taurean, so my odds are better.
Aries
Next year will bring dramatic changes to your life. On rechecking your birth certificate, you find a typo and are really a Leo. Counselling is available.
Cancer
Christmas will bring many surprises, some good, some bad. On balance, this year the good will outweigh the bad. But next year… sheesh!
Capricorn
The pink feather boa, the stuffed goose, the leather surgical support, the 5 litre can of Texaco 20W50. What a daring sex life you have. Personally, I prefer Castrol GTX and swans, but what the heck, it takes all sorts.
Leo
Ah Leo, Leo, Leo. What more can I say? Except, here kitty, kitty.
Virgo
Your new hobby has introduced to a great circle of friends. Among them is a potential partner. Also among them is a stalker and psychopath. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you which is which, rules of confidentiality and all that.
Scorpio
Next year will bring many good things to you. You will meet your perfect partner, the win the lottery, cure nagging erectile dysfunction … oops, sorry, that’s not your year, that’s mine.
Methinks a great way to stay current and keep up with this hectic community would be to give swampbear a sort of “batphone,” so he can simply press a button to alert us to a great story/photo op. Besides himself, I mean.
And isn’t today Thursday? What’s happening Thursday nights, Skerri? Well, whatever. I’ll be there.