Welcome to the peep show. Or, go rent a porno you little freaks!

The BBQ Pit
1

Yesterday afternoon, spring had definitely sprung. As my husband and I sat on the couch watching mindless TV, we found ourselves, in a word, horny. Figuring we had about 1/2 an hour to take care of our sorry state before our evening engagement, we took off for the bedroom.

To set the scene: like I said, it’s spring the windows were open (which we forgot). We live on the first floor of a garden-style apartment building. The blinds were closed.

We were rather, um, occupied when we heard rustling in the bushes outside our window. I figured it was the wind, shaking the branches. Then we heard giggling, which was distinctly NOT the wind. Then we heard a pubescent male voice say “Holy shit” and more giggles. By this time we had frozen, stopped what we were doing and looked at each other in disbelief. My husband threw a shirt at the window which made the blinds shake and make a lot of noise, but they little fucks didn’t move their sorry asses until he started to get off the bed and come towards the window.

My husband grabbed his clothes and started for the front door. I stopped him, because I figured he might have killed the little bastards. Now I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have let him.

Those pipsqueak little weasels insinuated themselves into MY bushes, found a small strip in MY blinds through which they could see MY bed and figured they had a free fucking show??? What the hell happened to privacy? Or at least discretion. I know they’re teenagers, but come on. It’s not like I was screaming in marital bliss or trying to become an exhibitionist.

Needless to say, we’re off to Bed bath & Beyond for some opaque curtains tonight. I think I should find the little maggots and charge 'em for them.

So, Teeming Millions, what ought I do to these mangy voyeurs the next time I see 'em? The best my husband could come up with, short of ripping them limb from limb or calling the cops was to tell their parents. But there must be a better way. Let me have it!

2

Crap in the bushes. That’ll get 'em. If they want to look at you nekkid, they’re going to have to stand ankle deep in your poo.

3

Don’t fuck with the windows open. If the people outside your apartment can hear you fucking then it was you who insinuated yourself into their business. The kids wouldn’t have come to your window without reason - they must have heard you. They should still take a beating for peeping, but no, you do not have the right to fuck if it means that your neighbors have to listen to it on the apartment sidewalk in the middle of the day. Have a little respect for your neighbors and shut the windows first next time.

4

I think you should contact Chris Cunningham and see if he has any spare masks from the ‘Windowlicker’ shoot and dress yourself up as one ofthese beauties.

Alternativley you could just call the rozzers.

5

Three words:

Remote Controlled Sprinklers

6

'tis fun to watch sex. Anyone who says differently is not a human. As has been said, it’s unlikely these teenies were peeking into random windows, they musta heard something interesting irrespective of your professed silence. Y’all got busted, that’s all. Next time give them a real educational experience.

That is all.

7

I’m torn. I value my privacy…

But as someone who was an adolescent once, I laughed my ass off…

8

You should put a stern-looking sign next to your window forbidding flash photography.

9

How do you suggest that they rent a porno?

10

Try it again. But this time, get some squibs and fake a murder. When the police come, explain that you were just role-playing. The elegance of this is that the kids nail themselves for their peeping ways by calling the police on you.

11

Lighten up and let it go.

12

  1. For Elvis’ sake, I don’t even masturbate with the windows open. What do you expect?

  2. My advice is to talk to their parents about it, then set it up so that next time they peek in they get an eyeful of mom giving dad a rusty trombone. They’ll never get an erection again.

13

Tee hee hee. You can try the opaque curtains, but it just happens sometimes. I used to live on the third floor of an apartment building, with nothing else nearby. But one time, after finishing up with my girlfriend, I found a goddamned electric company guy outside my window in a cherry picker! He’d been replacing the streetlight and stopped to take in the free entertainment.

14

Have hubby spooge out the window onto the little punks. That’ll learn 'em.

15

  1. Ask hubby to share his stories from when he was a young teenager.

  2. Take appropriate precautions as you stated.

  3. Laugh it off.

16

Or if you simply must fuck in the fresh breeze (I rather enjoy it…I have fond memories of a certain young lady, an open window, and a violent thunderstorm raging outside,) plant deterrent vegetation outside your window. I recommend roses, Spanish bayonet, and other yuccas. It will also serve the extra function of keeping other, even less savory, characters away from your windows.

17

Hey, anyone who looks in my window and sees me naked deserves to go blind.

18

At least what you and your hubby were doing was consensual. and in the same species.

19

Species, hell. He went outside of his kingdom (yes I know it’s apocryphal. Funny anyway.)

20

Purd has a good idea, kinda.

Twist.

YOU rent the porno, bring the TV into the bedroom, replicate the circumstances that brought the little blighters to your window in the first place, then wait for them around the corner, with a camera. When they take the bait, snap your shots, then grab the little buggers by the ears and drag 'em back to their parents, photos (or videos) in tow.

That oughta do it.

If not, pee in a squirt gun. Keep it by the bed.