Well, I’m going to Hell…

[SmartAleq]

Well, it ain’t funny but it’s cool so here goes:

"For none go to Paradise, except only these. Those old priests go there, and old cripples, and maimed wretches, who grovel all day and all night before those altars and in those old crypts; and folk clothed in old threadbare cloacks, and old rags and tatters, who are naked and barefoot and full of sores, who die of hunger and thirst and cold and misery. They go to Paradise. With them I have nothing to do, but to Hell will I go. For to Hell go the fine clerks and the fine knights, who have died in tourneys and in great wars, and the brave soldiers and the noble men. With those I will go. And there too go the fair and gracious ladies who have two or three friends besides their lord; and there go the gold and the silver, and the vair and the grey of fur, and there too go harpers and minstrels and kings of the world. With those will I go . . . . . . "

Aucassin et Nicolete, French, C12

[Askance]

@Cervaise

And since you’re not coming, either, where does that put you?

In a handbasket?

[slortar]

I’m too lazy to tie my shoes regularly, what makes you think I’m going to have the wherewithal to go to Hell?

Is there some sort of afterlife for those who don’t have the gumption to toddle off to one of the big attractions? Like, maybe an “aw, shucks” instead of a Hell, or a “gosh, willickers” instead of “Heaven”?

[Cluricaun]

@slortar

I’m too lazy to tie my shoes regularly, what makes you think I’m going to have the wherewithal to go to Hell?

Is there some sort of afterlife for those who don’t have the gumption to toddle off to one of the big attractions? Like, maybe an “aw, shucks” instead of a Hell, or a “gosh, willickers” instead of “Heaven”?

Behold the sort of bad ruler of Heck itself, the not really dark lord Stan!

[FriarTed]

So who LEFT that voicemail - a customer, a manager, a crank or someone from that station?
Alas, C’tian Family Radio- always a kinda fringe-Calvinist outfit, really went off
the tracks by 1994 which founder/owner Harold Camping proclaimed to be the
possible year of the End, after which we are now living on borrowed time by
God’s Grace (apparently, that year God proclaimed all churches as invalid &
under His judgement so that true C’tians should now worship at home while
listening to… Christian Family Radio! (or is it Family Christian Radio? I actually think that’s it!).

I do hope these voicemails isn’t Camping’s idea of PR!

[Mince]

If Hell has none of these obnoxious, irritating, over-the-top proselytizing faith-mongers, it’s preferable. I just hope I get sent to the Ironic Punishment Division and forced to surf porn on the internet 24/7/eternity.

[Count_Blucher]

@FriarTed

So who LEFT that voicemail - a customer, a manager, a crank or someone from that station?

It wasn’t a client or a coworker. It genuinely sounded like some sort of promo for the radio station (although anyone who’d leave that kind of promo is a ‘crank’ in my book). I’m very tempted to record it to an MP3, upload it to a website, and post a link here, but that might be against board rules/policies. Technically, its still an advertisement, even if it told me I’ll burn in hell. Lets just hope this isn’t a growing 6th Avenue trend…

[Auntbeast]

I’m renting a bus and taking the autobahn to hell. I’m pretty damn sure I qualify for the express check in.

One of the joys of being a southerner is that you routinely get told you are going to hell. Not in the cuss you out kind of way, but in the “you read that magazine and you are going straight to Hay-ell.”

My first website was titled “Hell in a Handbasket”
My favorite bumper sticker “its your hell, you burn in it”
I only have a bible in my house because it belonged to my great grandmother, it is in a box with my other wedding paraphenalia.

I get telemarketing calls for churches all the time. Unfortunately, they are always automated, so I never get to have any fun.

[DrDeth]

@Mince

If Hell has none of these obnoxious, irritating, over-the-top proselytizing faith-mongers, it’s preferable. I just hope I get sent to the Ironic Punishment Division and forced to surf porn on the internet 24/7/eternity.

Good news- yes. Bad news- only porn there is Furry-Fatty-Bondage.

[LucyInDisguise]

Y’all jus’ gotta get yurselves some of these …

Inexpensive, and watching peoples faces when you hand one to them is way more fun than just cussin’ 'em out.

OTOH, who knows? They actually may just come in handy one day …
Lucy

[Marley23]

@Bippy the Beardless

Will there be whaling, lamination and gritting of teeth?

If you laminate your teeth, it’s much harder to grit them. They do get pleasantly shiny, but you also have to deal with a plasticky aftertaste on everything you eat.