According to a voicemail left on my business audix this morning, I’m headed straight to Hell. I’m going there because I didn’t tune in to 94.7 FM “Christian Family Radio”. Didn’t I know that this was “The End of Days”…? (Well Schwartznegger has got his nose up Satan’s Ass, but I thought there’d at Least be a kinky Gabriel Byrne 3-way to tip me off…)
Evidently I “haven’t been forgiven by the lord jesus christ almighty, eternal god himself, and therefore saved from an eternity of deserved punishment and suffering under the wrath of god in hell.” :rolleyes: (you have to say it in one breath, like the lease terms at the end of a car commercial, or Dan Akroyd in ‘Dragnet’ to get the full effect)
Luckily, I can tune into 94.7 FM Christian Family radio (because Spamming My Fucking Business Voicemail Isn’t Punishment Enough :smack: ).
Yes, we are in “…the time of sorrows, known as the great tribulations,” (especially those of us with voicemail) I mean, how was I to know that, “…god’s judgment has fallen on the church congregations…” (what, it can’t get up? No Medic-Alert?) “… and that we are to Flee from them…” (Believe me, Buddy, I Try! How you bastards keep tracking me down is beyond me…)
He left off with this nice closing, “And may the lord be Merciful to you too.” :dubious:
You mean, you were ‘Saved’? And if I get ‘saved’, the best I can hope for is to spend the rest of my days telemarketing Christian Family Radio??? :eek:
Holy Bob Marley, Batman!!!
***“We be Spammin’……! Spammin’ in da Name of de Lord!!!” ***
Saved…? I’d rather be backed-up off-site.
Hell can’t be that bad. Sure maybe you’ll end up laying in smelly donkey feces while some cacodemon cuts your skin up with Gilette razors. But I’m sure it gets boring at day 100.
And its not like you can have sex in heaven either.
I think the folks who subscribe to this type of vision of Hell believe that God will transformed all of the damned, and endow them with an ability to suffer from torment that can only be described as “godlike”.
(That’s the wonderful thing about throwing out one liners at the dope, someone will always come along and make them better [or worse, as the case may be]!)
